Can a relationship survive lack of attraction?

[Chocolateweight]

If everything else is perfect ?

Over the last few months I’ve realised I do not find dh attractive at all and not to a neutral point to the point I look at him and sometimes feel repulsed? Then I feel guilty as he is the nicest kindest most hard working man - but I can’t fight how I feel ?? I don’t know what to do

Would you want to be with someone who looked at you and felt repulsed?

I wouldn't.

The relationship needs to work for you both. Not just you.

My perspective might be skewed because I was brought up to believe I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that the best I could hope for was someome settling for me. As a result, I've struggled with relationships because I've always felt settled for. It's a horrible feeling. I'd much rather be alone and would rather be alone forever than with someone I repulsed.

Your husband might not want to be with someone who only values his niceness and ability to provide.

Another poster using the word "repulsed". Is it the in-word or something?

If you're repulsed by him then it's time to call it a day. Everything else is just familiarity and fear of change.

Strange that you got as far as marrying someone you are repulsed by. Has he lost his looks over time, or did you never fancy him?

Always really fancied him. So it’s confusing to me. In every other way I love him and love his company but I’m avoiding intimacy

It’s only the last few months

How old are you?

His looks haven’t changed, it’s me I get this irritated agitated repulsed feeling and don’t want to be touched at all and then I feel guilty but it really is a repulsed feeling? I had a miscarriage just before this all started and part of me thinks is it psychological as I’m scared to get pregnant again as it was traumatic and painful and am I doing this to avoid the chance of that ?

40

If you truly love him, and are not actually repulsed by him, and are happy to live without the intimacy, would it be a huge problem to stay, unless one of those things changed?

It’s the guilt I feel too as my mind will the list off all the lovely things he does for me and yet I can’t cope having him near me ? Then i feel guilty and it’s just so awful

In that case, probably not. Another potential 40 plus years together is a very long time,

Sorry about your miscarriage 💐

Are there specific things that suddenly repulse you or is it general?

I can’t see how he won’t be picking up on your feelings about him, he must be really hurt. If you don’t think the way you see him is likely to change then you’re best off splitting up, for both your sakes. He’ll be wondering what’s going on, feeling awful about himself and rejected. Plenty of posters have done threads from his perspective.

I think attraction can come and go. I don't think every man or woman stays at the same level of attraction to their spouse throughout their entire marriage. Many marriages go through rough patches and for most there is a loss of attraction when life is rough and you are struggling with who the other person is and how they are dealing with the struggle. Some people do the work to come out the other side of the rough times, others bail or find new partners or decide it isn't worth it.

We’ve been together a long time already and this has never happened before so I feel like the strength of my feelings is possibly not real if that makes sense in that maybe I’m not actually repulsed by him but my mind is keeping me away from him as the mc was so awful ? I can’t find fault with him at all in any other way and I know I love him but it’s that attraction that’s gone and I wonder is that why ?

" I’m scared to get pregnant again as it was traumatic and painful and am I doing this to avoid the chance of that ?"

I think you answered your own question there. Perhaps you're not repulsed by him, just what he represents in relation to that? And to avoid it happening again, you're pushing him away.

Might be worth having a chat with your GP about some counselling to unpick that.

I think that has to be what it is as he hasn’t changed ? It’s not like he’s totally changed his appearance or anything

my mind is keeping me away from him as the mc was so awful

surely it’s this?

It could just be hormonal...age 40 things are starting to change and you are recovering from a miscarriage...hormones and pheromones are all over the place. If he's a similar or older age his testosterone will be dropping too...a chemical thing.

What's your life like in general? Do you both have hobbies and time apart as well as together? Are you always together, stuck in a rut, living in each others pockets? Or distant and rarely communicate?

I am going to go against the grain here. Because we experience physiological changes when are turned on or repulsed by someone, attraction is something that seems absolute and beyond our power to influence.

However, I think in women in particular, there are so many factors that play into it, on a deep- down animal level. When I was breastfeeding my children I experienced it, and I believe that my body was protecting me from ‘making more babies’ until this current one was a little less vulnerable. If you feel angry with or let down by a partner, that can happen too, animal instincts kick in.

On the other hand making plans together which make you feel excited and more secure about the future, this makes all those unpleasant reactions go away and you get a rosy glow again, in my experience.

Your explanation makes sense @Chocolateweight .

Does he make you feel pressured to have sex, or to have unprotected sex? Pressure/expectation can be a real turn off.

I had this after a miscarriage, I left the relationship and regretted it for many many years afterwards because it was a 'reaction' to the trauma of the miscarriage.
I would give it time and see if your feelings change before you do anything about it.

💐

Is intimacy being used here as a euphemism for sex? Or is there genuinely no physical, emotional or mental intimacy at all?

It could be hormonal really.