Would appreciate any feedback/advise any of you have to offer on my it's-almost-funny-it's-so-fucking-awful situation...It's hard to write about so excuse my meanderings.
(and shake....)
Okay- I'm 36 weeks pregnant, married to someone from a similar dysfunctional family and have a DD (2). When I was about 10 my parents had affairs (mum first then dad as revenge apparently) and my dad became an alcoholic (and was for about 20 yrs). I am one of three kids and we only found out that this had happened maybe 5 years later, once dad's drinking was well established and it all came out in a row. Anyway, around the time of the affairs polarva, my dad began telling me night-time stories. He started asking if he could come into the bed as 'daddy's tired too blahblahblah'. I remember him lying in bed with me and feeling almost paralysed...I remember the nightdress I was wearing (it was my first grown up looking silky nightie) and have a hazy memory of being touched across my chest area (was just starting to develop boobs). I remember the lighting being very low and have no recollection of stories being told, certainly not once he was in the bed. The overall memory is of feeling really uncomfortable. After my chest being touched, it's like a light goes off and my next memory is of the same thing happening again the next night. Might have happened twice/three times. Eventually I decided that I didn't want this to go on and the next night he came to my room, the minute I heard him at the door, I pretended to be asleep. I remember peeking and seeing him hovering in the doorway, whispering 'are you awake?'...he hung about for a bit and then left. I did this the next night too until he got the message. This never happened again. As a teenager I always felt he watched me, he seemed t hang around when I was coming out of showers/changing etc and I never wore anything low cut/clingy as if I did I noticed his eyes went straight to my breasts. It was all very non-aggressive/passive though so I never really consciously thought about it...when my younger sister started getting told stories at night by him I became really panicked and would wait outside her room in case I heard anything dodgy (even though I don't think I really had a concept of what he'd done to me- I just felt that she needed my protection). I also once found a photo from a family holiday of me lying on a sun lounger, wearing a swimming costume (lying on my front though) tucked away in one of his drawers.
His drinking was so bad though that that kind of took over- he was always either being chucked out or we were leaving...he was verbally abusive when drunk and me and my older brother were always in the middle of it, trying to sort it all out.
When I was 13/14, I started thinking about what had happened with the story-telling incident and I became really preoccupied with it. I felt I had to tell someone about it or I would go mad. I knew my mum read my diary (would find it open at different page) so I wrote it all down, left it where she would find it and went to school...well, my mum was waiting for me after school with face like thunder. She drove me home before brother and sister could walk there. She shouted at me that I was making it up, my dad would never do that and it was her idea to tell me a night-time story so my story made no sense (eh?). I was to throw my diary in the bin and never talk about it again. I was very upset but resolved to do what she said and just not think about it...dad was pissed all the time anyway so there was enough to be getting on with. I got a boyfriend and invested everything in him. Anyway, I moved out about 20, round about the time I had a nervous breakdown (had been having panic attacks since teens) and got some counselling... got into college and got on with life, met my DH etc.
Dad got sober a few years ago and my parents are still together. Ironically, I was closest to my mum out of all of us- maybe because although I was so angry with her for not protecting me, I always felt really sorry for her, wanted to protect her and 'make her see the light'. Proper co-dependent stuff.
She is very helpful in some ways and kind (although I see now that alot of that is manipulative) and was very keen to help when I had my DD.
I decided when my DD turned two that I couldn't ensure her safety around my dad and started worrying that he might do something similar to her...I decided to confront them and get some counselling.
Needless to say, my mum has responded in the same way- denial/disbelief 'you've always over-reacted', 'you've always been too dramatic', 'he was just drunk and you've misinterpreted his actions', being the standard response...dad denies everything, my sister fell apart and because she's the youngest and prone to anxiety/depression, I have been made to feel guilty for 'involving her' (em, she's involved already, surely, and she's an adult, not a baby), my brother told me that 'it's common to have a sexual tension between father and daughter'...he obviously doesn't believe me and after we spoke, I basically avoided him for a while because I was pretty upset with his response...he turned up at my door accusing me of spoiling his child's first christmas. We've not spoken since.
I didn't speak to my mum or dad for 5 months following the confrontation (by letter). Recently my mum got in touch and asked to see my DD. I agreed she could see her for 4 hours once a week... she takes her out swimming etc. We had a verbal confrontation also where she denied I had told her about the story-telling incident at all (she say I had written in my diary that 'he looks at me funny'), so I'm guessing that's what she is telling my bro and sis...when I asked her why she didn't protect me she said 'you don't need it'. She also said 'It's not what you're saying that's the problem, it's the way you've done it' (ie it's not the alleged abuse, but the way I've gone about confronting it- by letter and refusing to speak to dad after his denial).
The arrangement for her to see my DD has been going on for a few weeks and we are being civil but it's horrid seeing her every week. I want to do the right thing for my daughter and by her not seeing my dad, I thought I'd feel better, which I do, but I still find it so stressful just having my mum in my life at all while she's not only siding with my dad but actually lying about me telling her in the first place. My bro sis and have continued to have a 'normal' relationship with my parents and I see my sis about once a month (but we email most weeks). She doesn't want to get involved at all now and when I tried to mention the confrontation with my mum, she didn't want to talk at all saying 'I think everyone just wants left out of this now- we'll just let you and mum get on with it'. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGH!
I'm due to have my 2nd child in a few weeks and we have no-one else around to look after my DD, my sis and mum have agreed to look after her at our house while I'm in labour etc. BUT my DH and I are so sick of the whole thing that we're on the verge of un-asking them and trying to figure out another way of doing it. We're not happy for her to see our DD while she's lying to everyone but aren't sure what to do next...should we just cut her off completely? How can I have a relationship with my sis when she wants to be neutral? HELP!