tired and demoralised, DH being unsupportive, how to change things

[tiredanddemoralised]

I've just gone back to work 2 days a week, I'm finding it great, but it is tiring. I'm finding the constant washing up/ tidying/cooking a real struggle, especially as DS2 has just hit the really messy part of learning to eat. DH tends to fly off the handle if I complain, blaming me for not noticing what he does do. I do notice, and thank him for it etc, but when cooking each meal seems to be preceded by me wiping down smeggy tables and preparation areas and doing the bits of the washing up he hasn't done, I think its normal if I don't feel entirely grateful.... I've looked at other threads on this issue and tried hard to focus on the positive, make that extra effort, etc, but I really try hard to be kind if he's at a low ebb, but I seem to get blamed and its all a big deal if I need extra help...

sorry. needed a rant. but I really feel I despise him sometimes for taking advantage of me

Hmm. Well it's not your job to thank him, it's his child's mess too. I think a lot of people complain of similar stuff - that men don't notice the mess or do just half the job. Persevere with it though. And don't be too grateful because he's been "good", he'll come to expect it when he should be just doing his bit.

Perhaps make a point of making your two work days different - do you do a full day? I'd use those days to say "right, I've worked as much as you have today. we need to share the home workload equally".

Got the same malarky at home. How about setting up a schedule. The 2 days you work, he will do all and one day of the WE. The other days it's you, but setting the table or wiping it/kitchen area, filling the dishwasher is his 'special thing'.

This way you're still doing the majority I'm afraid, but at least he has set chores and set days.

Men like orders, gentle orders...their own little space where their efforts are being recognised and praised...

thanks for the tips, but I find when I'm poorly/ having a tough time with sleeping (he genuinely sleeps through the bawling children, although at one paranoid stage I did think he was faking it) things get really behind and he doesn't cut me much slack... whereas when he is sick he pretty much checks out.

i know some people recommend total strikes but this seems really quite an aggressive stance esp in front of DSs

(although as I write this I realise that they should see a firm line being taken on this... I don't want some poor woman (or indeed, man) cursing my slovenly sons and the doormat of a mother and lazy father who gave him this poor example...)

but I really think my marriage might be at risk if this issue escalates. we had a firm talk about this yesterday which ended in me crying about how tired/miserable I was and him telling me I was just wrong when I said he wasn't doing a fair share. appalling really
[shocked] that its got like this. I thought times had really changed and men and women were supposed to be more equal.

T4T

Stop seeing it all as your job, and maybe he will too.

And your husband has no right to fly off the handle at you.