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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Making sense of an ex

19 replies

dreambream · 21/10/2023 01:31

I've been thinking a lot about an ex-boyfriend lately and I wanted to share my experience with him. I think it was negative in a subtle way. Please be gentle, I've never ever spoken about this with anybody. I was 20 when I met my ex boyfriend. He was 12 years older than me.

I was unbelievably naive as a 20 year old. At university I would attend my lectures and then go home, I didn't drink (because of religious reasons) so skipped a lot of freshers type events and ended up making friends with the kind of people that also didn't drink (maybe slightly nerdy people if you want to stereotype). My parents before university had been incredibly overprotective of me because of an unfortunate incident on my way to school when I was in year 7. A stranger groped me and they basically doubled down and I never went anywhere without them after that. In my teens I was always quite annoyed they wouldn't let me go to friend's houses etc but at the ripe old age of 30 something I'm beginning to understand why they were like they were.

Anyway, I met him at a part time job I did in a supermarket. It was the first time any man had flirted with me and I was very excited that he called me pretty. We went to dinner and some more dates. I had my first kiss with him and I had no idea what I was doing. I had never ever contemplated anything sexual. The first time I went to his flat, he asked if he could kiss me. When I said yes, he took my knickers off and gave me oral. I had no idea that that was what he was asking me. I remember being so shocked that I became totally numb, literally felt pins and needles all over my body. Anyway we were together for 4 years. In hindsight I feel like he must have known how naive I was. I didn't know anything when it came to foreplay or sex (I suppose mostly due to the aforementioned sheltered life) so he taught me. There were a couple of occasions where I didn't want sex and said so, and although it wasn't violent he basically forced me into having sex. It was that that made me break up with him.

He was also a bit rubbish as a boyfriend in general. I would have to lend him money, I would pay for our meals and trips and holidays 95% of the time. He would forget my birthday, not make a fuss over valentine's etc. (not something I care about so much now but 20 year old me wanted to be romanced). He would also be a bit racist (my background is Asian) and like a total doormat I would laugh along with his jokes. I cringe thinking about how little integrity I had. I always felt pressured to compromise how I felt and my tastes etc. He joked once he wanted to bomb a mosque and I laughed along. He never went to university or college and would always say how uni students are so lazy and do worthless degrees (all the while I was at university myself). Whenever I got a decent a decent grade he would say stuff like 'he liked to think part of it was down to him because he always put me in a good mood'.

He did however always compliment my looks and my body etc. and I felt very attractive and special etc. when he would do that.

So it's now almost 8 years since I broke up with him and I find myself looking at his Instagram (which is public), I had a dream about him last night, I still wonder what he does, and I remember the relationship as exciting. But looking back with a critical lens I feel like it wasn't like that and he was in actual fact a much older man with a girl who barely understood her own womanhood if that makes sense. I recently had a baby with my DH (someone completely the opposite of my ex boyfriend - he is kind, good job, well mannered, always pays for me when we're out etc etc. But maybe is not so sexually forward like my ex was...) and I wonder if it is my hormones making me still think about my ex.

My ex was my only other partner other than DH. And it's because when I broke up with my ex I vowed to only settle for someone who was essentially a checklist of DH. I went on a tonne of first dates (and a handful of second and third dates) and then met DH. So I suppose I've still had quite a limited experience with being in a relationship in that respect. But I've always for some reason longed for my ex. I feel like I broke it off because I knew he wasn't great but I still liked him for some reason.

Sorry it's such a long post. I wanted to share it because I don't know why I feel like I do. And sort of just wanted to get it off my chest

OP posts:

MamaBear2210T · 21/10/2023 01:41

Don't message him.

Original poster

dreambream · 21/10/2023 01:43

MamaBear2210T · 21/10/2023 01:41

Don't message him.

I won't. I hadn't considered that. I just look at his social media maybe out of habit/noseyness/curiosity

OP posts:

canyousmelltoast · 21/10/2023 01:59

This is something you need to put to bed once and for all. It is not worth pondering over this when you're in a happy marriage with a little one too. He was not whatever your rose tinted glasses might still see. You've already pointed out so many red flags that you've realised were there. Put him out of your mind, into the gutter of a bad previous relationship where he deserves to be. You're doing yourself and your current situation a disservice wallowing over this. You should feel so proud of yourself that you got away from that and have what you have now.

TeaGinandFags · 21/10/2023 02:02

As MamaBear said.

You're having a bad attack of nostalgia. It will pass.

What is currently happening in your life? Make plans for yourself. Nothing heavy if you don't want to but fun things like trying something for the first time or going somewhere new be it near or far. Or do something immature like reading a child's book (they're not bad).

Most of all have fun and leave this rut behind x

Morewineplease10 · 21/10/2023 02:03

The OP is wondering why she still feels that way. That is all.

OP, it sounds like an abusive relationship to me and maybe you were trauma bonded to him? This creates very powerful feelings that can last for a really long time. Maybe look into that and see if it resonates at all.

Glad you got away and are with a much better man.

fulawitt · 21/10/2023 17:35

Breathe. You had a near escape.

80s · 21/10/2023 18:03

The first time I went to his flat, he asked if he could kiss me. When I said yes, he took my knickers off and gave me oral. I had no idea that that was what he was asking me.
I'm in my 50s and it wouldn't occur to me to think he might be suggesting oral by asking if he could have a kiss. It's not naivety; it's him pretending you'd just said yes to oral.
You were 20, so mature enough in theory to have been able to stand up for yourself. But at 12 years older he would have known full well how immature you really were. (I was just as immature at that age, but fortunately didn't get in a situation like this.)
Sounds to me like he was taking advantage of you to the extent he could while making sure he kept himself covered; getting a gf who was technically old enough, making it look like he'd asked permission to do stuff; pressurising you into things but not laying hands on you.
It sounds like it was relatively traumatic from your description; could that be part of the reason he's playing on your mind? And you're thinking about how your parents treated you, as you have a child yourself. He's part of that story. Makes sense to me that you'd be thinking about it.

Here4thechocs · 21/10/2023 18:07

Please block his social media accounts

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 18:40

Just move on you’re married now and have a child honestly if you was single I could probably understand you thinking about this but married with a child? Are you happy? Don’t ruin things…

junbean · 21/10/2023 19:24

He traumatized you, that's why you're thinking about him. From your perspective you were innocent and seeking love and a good relationship. But what you got was abuse and being taken advantage of. It's normal to have a need to process it all. A lot of people look back on relationships and try to process it, even without abuse. You should really get into therapy so you can let it go. It's important to acknowledge what happened to you- the rape, the racism, all of it. When you shine a light on something that's been hidden you take its power away. You might not forget it and you might have a scar but you can heal. Thankfully you're in a better place now! You certainly deserve it.

Original poster

dreambream · 22/10/2023 01:48

Thank you all for your messages. My sister also once said to me that because of that relationship I now don't give anybody a second chance and I don't give any leeway on anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

dreambream · 22/10/2023 01:50

TeaGinandFags · 21/10/2023 02:02

As MamaBear said.

You're having a bad attack of nostalgia. It will pass.

Most of all have fun and leave this rut behind x

Currently not a lot going on. I am on maternity leave, very happy with my happy little baby but very unhappy about my body etc. I have some PNA and DH is very understanding. We haven't yet been intimate though since the birth.

OP posts:

Original poster

dreambream · 22/10/2023 01:55

80s · 21/10/2023 18:03

I was real wuss. I didn't know how to say no. Which sounds silly. But I was so incredibly sheltered while growing up which meant at the age of 20 I really lacked people skills or the ability to be assertive. I just knew how to be "nice".

At the time I didn't think it was traumatic. But I do sometimes think about how there was so much I was uncomfortable with in that relationship and I never stood up for myself and I guess I just regret it. Another example came to mind just now.. we were walking past a mosque and he kissed me for ages in front of it to show them he was "kissing one of their people". I felt so bad because I understood their sensibilities but just let him do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

dreambream · 22/10/2023 02:00

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 21/10/2023 18:40

Just move on you’re married now and have a child honestly if you was single I could probably understand you thinking about this but married with a child? Are you happy? Don’t ruin things…

I should be happy. DH is really everything I could ever want. I don't know what is wrong with me. But it's bizarre, when I think about my ex, I remember even romanticising not being able to afford much, smoking weed and living in a one bed above a kebab shop (literally!)

I think there are parts about motherhood that I am not finding easy. I have a whole new bunch of aches and pains and struggling to find much time for DH and I. And when we do have time, we're both too tired. We speak a lot about how we want to do things for ourselves but just don't get round to it.

OP posts:

80s · 22/10/2023 13:07

I didn't have any social skills at that age either. I think there can be a pretty wide range of abilities at that age. When I was younger I knew I was less mature and felt ashamed, but now my children are that age and older I know I wasn't alone in being naive, and I can be kinder to myself. Nothing wrong with being innocent, people develop at different speeds.

Your ex seems to have used lovebombing to manipulate you, too - and you were probably impressed by his street-smart attitude. He railroaded you into doing things and you were not well-equipped to resist. That sudden clash of cultures, rapid learning experience and the lovebombing must all have been very exciting. Most people experience that to some extent - finding it hard to adjust to married life/parenthood. Do you think that you might have swung a bit too far in the opposite direction when choosing your current partner? Are you worried that you've gone for someone too boring because of your experiences? (Could well be the case - but the answer is obviously not to swing wildly back round in the opposite direction again.)

category12 · 22/10/2023 13:21

I think it's what is called a trauma bond. He was your rapist and abuser, and he manipulated you, controlled you. You weren't wrong for thinking when he asked if he could kiss you it would be a kiss, not oral sex, but he steam-rollered over your boundaries and kept on doing so throughout your relationship. Made you feel complicit in your own abuse, really.

I would read up about trauma bonds.

category12 · 22/10/2023 13:24

I wonder if part of the reason you're thinking about it now, is the load of responsibility that comes with parenthood and adulthood.

With him, you just basically did as you were told, told yourself you felt as he wanted you to feel, the decisions were his. It's maybe kind of attractive in a self-destructive, losing yourself kind of way.

Worddance · 22/10/2023 13:31

He sounds exciting and controlling - probably very narcissistic and good at knowing what would give you a hit in terms of intimacy and emotional/sexual fulfilment. Not a nice man overall and you know it. But it's hard to let go of something where you were controlled, thrown crumbs and effectively played. It just is. It's a toxic kind of hormonal reward that hacks your brain and keeps you in a hungry/fed back and forth. For some reason that's hard to process and somewhat addictive. Even the heightened cortisol levels will feel like excitement, making other, healthier relationships feel somewhat flat.

At the end of the day, this relationship would have drained you of identity and autonomy. However difficult it is to leave it behind, you've had a lucky escape.

GreyCarpet · 22/10/2023 16:35

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree here but I get the sense from some of your words that you feel some guilt over 'your part' in this?

80s makes some very good points.

I think you need to find a way of forgiving yourself for going along with it. I was a very sheltered 20 year old too (due to upbringing but different reasons) and I look back on things that I allowed to happen with shame until I remind myself that the shame isn't mine to feel.

I think you just need to process that part of your past, perhaps by speaking to someone irl, and count your blessings for what you have now.

You did nothing wrong. You met a shit of a man who took advantage. And many of us have been there. Sadly.

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