How to date as a single parent?

[EmeraldTheSeahorse]

I'm a single parent, due to that I am unable to date (ex not involved) and have been single for many many years. I have been celibate the whole time. As my children are getting older and as time has passed I do really miss sex and intimacy but I've put them first and have not dated. I decided recently that due to not being able to date properly a FWB might be nice as I can't have a traditional relationship but the amount of people telling me it's a bad idea have surprised me and to not bother/always ends in tears. So what do other single mum's do? Are they really staying celibate till their children have grown up? (my ex left when I was pregnant so still a long way off!) I have a high sex drive so being celibate for so many years hasn't been easy.I know some.women aren't bothered of course but I feel too young to be celibate till my children have grown up as it wasn't my choice to be a single parent. Are they right? Or can it work out?

I guess what I'm asking is does / has anyone had a successful FWB or do they all end in tears

I personally haven't tried FWB because I know I'd get emotionally attached. Actually I need that emotional attachment to enjoy sex.

I've dated as a single parent. Had a 2.5 year relationship, but it only worked on the beginning because I had family who helped with childcare and he and I both worked shifts which meant we were sometimes off work at the same time and DC were in school.

Currently been single and celibate for 4 years and can't see that changing anytime soon. Despite DC being teens and knowing of at least 3 men who have expressed an interest.

I do have friends who have had successful FWB situations though.

I don't understand. If you don't have time to date how do you find the time for a FWB? Surely the time you spend with a FWB could be spent with someone you date?

In fwb situations I've found that... the sort of guys who want them want an uneven power dynamic unfortunately. They want you to fall in love with them,for their ego. If yoi don't they get arsey. If you do then they suddenly blow cold as they got what they wanted. Ego stroking.

It's a minefield and I'm not saying there are not healthy fwb out there but personally I avoid them now. They're supposed to be lighthearted fun. Maybe also, a little pleasant company. But often what we want from them...isn't what men want.

I'd probably stick to one night stands if I just wanted fun. Prolonged 'just sex' is a recipie for headfucking and weirdness. You really have to have excellent boundaries to navigate it.

Because I'm not sure a serious relationship would be happy with only seeing someone an couple of hours a fortnight 🤔

I don't think I could do ONS tbh. Don't think I would feel safe sleeping with strangers.

It's a challenge. I've been a single mum since ds was a baby.

I dated a single dad until his dd turned 17, independent/got a boyfriend, and then he suddenly wanted to travel but my ds was only 9, so that ended. That was 6 years ago.

DS is of an age now he is often away with school or his friends and can be left, so it's more possible now but I haven't tried yet. It's been so long, it's a bit daunting.

This. Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean joined at the hip.. Lots of people find they prefer relationships where there's a bit of distance and you don't see each other all the time.

It's a false equivalence to think it's either FWB or 24/7 live-in partner.

Because I'm not sure a serious relationship would be happy with only seeing someone an couple of hours a fortnight

Who says a relationship has to be serious?
What you seem to want is a monogamous relationship, just a casual one. And once you get to know them well, you can introduce them to your children after six months or whenever you feel comfortable, and you can start seeing them a lot more (if you want to!).

Many, if not most, single parents start off relationships via once a week/fortnight dates to begin with. And they get creative in how they meet - they take a day's leave here or there, or meet for a coffee when their child is at a club etc.

And they get babysitters... friends will generally help out on a quit pro quo basis if there's no family. I even did this when married if we wanted an evening or even night away! We'd look after friends' kids in return. Where there's a will, there's a way!

I have no friends that will babysit and I’m not leaving them with someone I don’t know. Will men really be ok having a relationship with someone they only see for a couple of hours a fortnight?! I was being realistic thinking men wouldn’t be interested with someone they could see so little?

I don’t think that at all but the only single mums I know in relationships are the ones who get weekends off from their children I won’t get that at all it will literally be a couple of hours a fortnight.

I’ve had a couple of really nice FWB situations since being single.

First was a guy I’d met online at the same time I met XP. We kept in touch for 5 years on FB (DP was aware and ok with that!) just as online acquaintances. We’d often said we should meet for a ‘purely platonic’ coffee. When I became single I asked him if he wanted to meet for a non-platonic coffee 😂

We had one date, got on well. Second date was at his house and 5 years of pent up curiosity got the better of me! Did that again 4/5 times but he travelled a lot so wasn’t around much so I knew it was just a casual thing. As someone with a high sex drive it was just nice knowing I had someone to watch a movie and have sex with, not much movie watching to be fair!

While he was away this summer I’d met someone else, a really lovely guy with some MH issues that meant he realised probably wasn’t ready to be online dating yet. We had been dating for a few weeks but dialled it back to just friends (I wanted to keep in touch with him as I was worried about him).

We met a few times for cinema and dinner etc as friends, but again, as soon as we started hanging out at his house, we slipped back into physical stuff. He was worried I’d expect more from him if we slept together, but while I love him to bits, I know he wouldn’t be a great bet for a relationship so for now we’re in a sort of limbo, where we’re not really just friends, but not in a relationship either. I plan to start dating again in the new year, and he’s always said he doesn’t want to stop me seeing anyone else, so it’s been refreshingly open. But just lovely to have someone to kiss and hug and much as anything, but also great sex.

First guy contacted me again recently and I’ve put him on hold until this thing is done, as I’d feel weird having 2 on the go at once. But as a nearly 50 year old overweight mum of 3 teens, it’s done wonders for my self confidence just to have these two (young, fit and extremely good looking!) men want to have sex with me 😂

Sorry for the brag, but just know it’s possible to have some fun sex with lovely guys without it having to lead to anything more if you’re both open up front about what you want.

Thank you, that sounds ideal! I really have no time for relationships I wish I did but I don’t I don’t have people that will watch my kids for me so it needs to be casual for those reason! Glad to hear it worked well for you

How old are your children OP?

You don't sound to want to solve this. It's easy to date if you can leave your kids. It's easy to find a babysitter that you don't know - most people I know do that (we don't have family living nearby). You can find a trustworthy person to leave your children with so you can date and/or have sex with someone.

If you aren't planning to leave your children how can you have either a FWB or a boyfriend? (They're both the same in terms of time commitment).

I will get some free time occasionally when they are at school to initially meet someone then when I trust them enough they can come over at night but no I would not be hiring a random babysitter from online and I don’t know anyone that does that irl.

You could ask school mums or neighbours about a babysitter, theres no need to go online to find someone.

Honestly I don’t know anyone that uses paid for babysitters and I’m not just saying that. Whilst I’m sure it’s popular on MN I don’t know anyone irl who uses them. It’s friends/ family/ or their ex. Even if I did find one I wouldn’t be able to use them regular enough for a relationship so just trying to be realistic any man I meet will most likely just be coming over at night once kids are in bed then leaving before they wake (once in comfortable with that)

When I was a lone parent of my eldest I used one of the staff from his nursery as a babysitter. And I did lots of coffee and lunch dates when he went to school.