Not sure if I should move in with my boyfriend

[Anawana]

Hi all. I'm a 30 year old woman with early menapouse and fertility issues running in her family. My boyfriend and I have been dating since January.

He lives in a house he bought with his ex. She moved out over a year ago and stopped paying her half. The house is on the market for a year now and no interest. Probably won't sell for another year unless they tap into negative equity, which neither of them want.

We want kids and I want to get married first. This is my boundary. He wants to live together first before getting married and it's his boundary. We were going to rent together once the house is sold, but it wouldn't.

Tonight he proposed I move in with him into that house without paying rent. I'll give notice to my landlord in January (our anniversary) and move in February. We'll live together till the house is sold then get married and have kids in our own place afterwards.

I love him so much and it's been going amazing but not sure if I should take him up on that. Let me know your thoughts!

I think go for it.

Definately stick to your boundary of no kids until you are married though.

I think its wise to live together first and see if all is compatible. But you could request an engagement too if you want. And set a wedding date a year from now.

That's a fair condition to ask for if you've only got so much time to risk before you need to start trying for babies.

If in 6 months after living together it's fine, start planning the wedding. Don't let him drag things out. Don't have babies before your needs (marriage) are met.

And be prepared to walk away if theres any indication its not going to work out.

Kids are not an entitlement afterall. If the environment isn't suitable or what you need then dont bring kids into it as there will only end up being resentment in the relationship.

What he wants is valid but he has to bring what you want to the table too and follow through within a reasonable time frame.

Another here who thinks living together for a bit makes sense to see if you are sufficiently compatible for marriage. You can maintain your position that you’re not going to have children until you’re married.

I think he’s doing the right thing. Since January isn’t long at all. Maybe he wants to see how you live together before committing to a full future. He’s also protecting his asset Aswell.

I live in my boyfriends house that he owned with his ex. It was very hard to get used too. I felt like I was stepping in to another woman's life even though I definitely wasn't as they had not been together a long time.

That all seems very sensible. It’s good you both have firm
boundaries on prerequisites for next steps.

As long as you keep a moving fund set aside so that you have the ability to move out quickly if it isn’t working I wound consider his plan.

I would also make sure you are using 2 forms of birth control. Even with fertility as a concern, the last thing you want is a pregnancy with a man who is having trouble extricating himself from his previous marriage.

It actually sounds like a good idea as long as you stick to your boundaries as pp have said. It means you can stick to your timeline and he can also make the right practical and financial moves, which are also an important part of setting up a stable environment for you to start a family once married. My only further advice would be that if/when you move in, do some things to change the house and make it feel like yours. After that, you should stick to the plan you have agreed together and don’t allow yourself to feel any resentment about needing to live there in the short term. Keep your mind on the positives and bigger picture.

Agree

Move in together if you must but DO NOT have any children until married. There are too many nightmare posts on MN of women who move into a man's house, are unmarried, have children together and then the relationship fails. Never put yourself in a position that you can't get out of especially when children become involved. On the flip side though you could move in, get on exceptionally well, get married, have children and live happily ever after. The posts on MN give a 50/50 chance of that happening though. I wish you luck.

I wouldn’t live unmarried in a house owned by the other person long term, but it seems like a reasonable option here, so long as it stays on the market.

As long as you're not being moved in to do the housework I think it's a good idea in the short term. Always remember your T&Cs though!

Thanks everyone. Definitely old enough to know not to bring kids into this mess, before the house is sold. Still debating whether it's a good idea for me to move in but your comments eased my mind up a bit.

Move in and make sure you have decent contraception. Put the equivalent of what your rent money is now in to a savings account.

I couldn’t move into a house owned by another woman.

You’re 30 and only together ten months. I’d wait until his house is sold and then rent somewhere together.

Also, I’d move in with the aim of seeing in living together works, not with the aim of then getting married and then having babies. Don’t rush yourself through an important step.

If you're not sure then don't do it.

Practical solutions aren't always the right ones.

Thank you. That's where I'm at. It does make sense for the future life plans and my head says to move, but my heart says otherwise.