Abusive Exes

[AlTrabek]

I'm a male, and I just wanted to contribute to the multiple dating threads which describes various entries about red flags when a potential date mentions previous emotional and psychological abuse from ex partners.
As someone who actually experienced both forms of abuse in the past, I never impart this information to any future partner for fear that they'll take it as a red flag, or I'm seeking attention.

My point is that not every male is using this as an manipulative tactic. It's just that those men who have genuinely been abused in the past, are more sensitive, and tentatively wary of entering a new relationship.

BTW, I'm not minimising those men who do use this tactic

Anyone can be abused.

But BOTH abusive men and women commonly disclose past abuse really early on. Usually alongside love bombing. To make you feel sorry for them and deepen the bond between you faster. And to test your reaction to being told for example, that all their exs are abusive. Which, if just accepted, may signal they are an easy target.

Women are more likely to disclose past abuse early on as they are asking you to be patient sexually with them though. Where as men are more conditioned to not show any sexual vulnerabilities they may have.

That's why it's arguably more worrying if a man takks about crazy exs early on.

Not to say men don't also do this too.

But realistically, the healthy thing yo do for both men and women after abuse is to heal as much as possible whilst SINGLE. That way there's no need to discuss past abuse early on in dating with new people (who may take your vulnerability as something they can exploit if they are similar to your ex).

I'm sorry you went through abuse op. But I think whilst we have to be wary of people's experiences...sharing about past abuse early on is usually a red flag either way. Because either they are trying yo get too close too fast for nefarious reasons. Or, they are just not healed enough yet to be dating.

Also worth noting that abusers often condition us to wear our vulnerabilities on our sleeves.

For example: we find ourselves being painfully honest about every little thing that may upset them that we've done, incase they find out about it later and go postal. So we may in new relationships, find we don't have a filter or appropriate boundaries. That we are painfully honest, even when it's inappropriate.

And that's dysfunction that ideally needs needs addressing and healing before dating (and would include sharing about past abuse just a few dates into knowing someone).