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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he a narcissist

12 replies

Cyeo123 · 20/10/2023 23:27

The below happens when he decides to fall out with me (I never do anything wrong to my knowledge he just seems to cycle a lot with his emotions and I get the brunt of it all)

Calls me names that he knows upsets me (I’ve had this for YEARS)
Uses my toddler as a weapon (tells him to say “get away” to me or “go sleep in the other bed”)
No empathy
No apologising
Speaks to me as if I’ve done something truly terrible
Silent treatment
Says he regrets getting married
Says his life is boring because of me
Belittles my feelings, calls me pathetic if I cry
I feel like I always have to be happy or it sets him off on all the above

things he does rest of the time that has me suspicious that’s he’s a narc…

Always talks about himself and achievements
Loves a compliment
Sees things as competition
Feels I should be more grateful for the life he says is providing us (he is a lot more successful career wise)
He hates it if I’m poorly, it’s like it annoys him
Doesn’t understand the weight of motherhood and being a working parent etc (fellow mothers will understand how your brain never switches off), I can get overwhelmed, he feels I don’t have the right to as his job is very stressful so he’s the only one who should be stressed, my job isn’t as good and he tells me so
Gets extremely irritable if he doesn’t have a “plan” (eg what we’re doing at the weekend, what’s for dinner)!! This is more
often than not what triggers him to fall out with me
Will not do anything alone, expects me there even when he cuts the grass
Slags everybody off
Always wanting better
If I dare to tell him I’m feeling down he will leave me alone with it as it just pisses him off and won’t come back til I say I’m feeling okay

He has a lot of good qualities too. But I’m tired. Ive told him he can no longer speak to me how he does. It’s the name calling in-front of our son and using our son as a weapon that’s getting to me. He doesn’t like the confrontation and here I am feeling guilty like it’s all my fault and he’s the innocent one like I always do. He tells me to go away and then it makes me want to do the opposite. I feel like I should’ve tried harder. Put more effort in. That’s how he makes me think. Sometimes I don’t know what’s even true anymore. Is it his fault or mine. I never know the answer.

I do find it hard to be happy all the time because I find all the things he says hard to forget
i do get overwhelmed
I do accept things are harder since having a child and having no support
i wish I could be more imaginative with plans. More exciting. More successful. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to put up with this. Or maybe he should just meet someone who ticks all his boxes and let our 14 year relationship go.

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 20/10/2023 23:31

There are no good qualities that cancel out that treatment... You need to divorce..

Honest2afault · 20/10/2023 23:36

It's really hard to know who is in the right or wrong without seeing how these situations play out. I would ask:

  • what you both do
  • how much you both earn
  • how childcare responsibilities are shared
  • how often this behavior occurs
  • What sorts of things you have said to him during arguments

If he says he regrets getting married outside of heated arguments that is probably a sign that your relationship is over and he is with you for your son's benefit.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 20/10/2023 23:46

It doesn’t matter whether he’s a narcissist. We’re not qualified to diagnose personality disorders. What matters is whether this relationship is acceptable to you.

A partner is supposed to add to your life and lighten the load, not grind you down for their own ends. He sounds like my STBXH, which is why I’m no longer with him.

Forget about the 14 years. This is the sunk costs fallacy. If you were to start dating him now and he behaved like this would you continue to progress your relationship?

JamTomorrowToo · 21/10/2023 00:14

LTB.

Sometimes life is really that simple.

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2023 00:29

How would it change things?

Do you feel you need to be able to label him a narcissist to get the validation that he is abusive?

Because you don't.

He is abusive.

Fancy labels on top or not.

What matters now is YOU need to get away from him.
Hes not going to leave you because he's a cat and you're his mouse. Unless another mouse comes along perhaps.

You need to be the one to run from this asshole. Don't spend your life waiting for your jailer to free you. Free yourself.

DominoBlue · 21/10/2023 00:41

Yeah I think so.

No empathy - tick. Leaving you when you are ill, as he doesn't want to provide care or sympathy. You are no use to him when you are ill. You are there to serve him and be his adoring audience and you can't do that when you are sick.

He leaves you alone when you are sad or down but not because he is pissed off but he is doing it to get you to come running back to him, apologising and not daring to voice your issues with the relationship. How dare you have your own wants and feelings?

He blows hot and cold to keep you on your toes. You try to modify your behaviour to keep him in a happy/good mood.

Using child as a weapon - tick. Calling you names he knows you do not like; narcs are exceptionally cruel, he will know exactly what to say to really hurt you.

Needing an audience to witness his amazingness. Telling you how amazing everyone thinks he is. They say narcs will give you their shirt BUT only if someone is watching!

Calling other people down to make himself feel better than them. He has to do this to convince himself he is better than them. Its is fragile ego.

He loves a compliment, classic narc. I expect he is vain too?

You will never work as hard as him, be as tired as him - classic narc. Calling down your job, as in his eyes, it wouldn't matter if you saved 100 dying children a day whilst putting out forest fires and solving the national debt, as success is only measured in money. That is the only thing they place any value on. Pathetic really.

Stop trying to make yourself interesting for him as you will never be interesting enough for him. No one will. Narcs are chronically bored, nothing satisfies them. They will desperately want something, to go somewhere or do something and then when they have it it doesn't interest them and they go moody and bored.

Its not you, it really is him and his problems. Why are you his social secretary? Why can't he come up with all the fun/exciting things he wants to do? Because then he can grumble about how crap it is and how useless you are. Its his hobby. Narcs cannot take any happiness or contentment about what they have. They cannot appreciate anything as someone, somewhere has more and in their sick little heads that means they are better than them and that is not allowed. Like toddlers wanting the other toy.

The comments about regretting marrying you are cruel and designed to keep you downtrodden. Its important to him that you appreciate he lowered his standards to marry you. Narcs only get married to look normal.

As for his good qualities...what are they? And I bet they only come out when he needs to pull you back in or when he needs to turn on the charm and impress people. With a narc the good times are lies and the bad times are what the relationship truly is. You just keep trying to get back to the elusive wonderful times and you try to be more interesting/exciting/successful/richer/slimmer/sexier etc etc. Anything to try to fix yourself and get back to a place that doesn't exist. It is an act. You could turn yourself inside out and it wouldn't matter as its nothing to do with you. You are fine, its him, every time its him.

They are very broken individuals. Who will never get help as they cannot, will not, ever believe they are anything less that a total god of a man, the most perfect man that existed.

Just leave. Life will be so much better when you get yourself back. Don't let your child see you being treated like this. Show your child what normal and happy is. Get some therapy. You may need to do this to leave. Its hard but worth it. Its a lonely life with a narc.

Morewineplease10 · 21/10/2023 00:42

Yes I do think he sounds like a narcissist.

But whatever terminology we're using, he is a horrible man.

As you've described him/the situation I'd say it's over and it's on him.

Quandary23 · 21/10/2023 00:42

Honest2afault · 20/10/2023 23:36

It's really hard to know who is in the right or wrong without seeing how these situations play out. I would ask:

  • what you both do
  • how much you both earn
  • how childcare responsibilities are shared
  • how often this behavior occurs
  • What sorts of things you have said to him during arguments

If he says he regrets getting married outside of heated arguments that is probably a sign that your relationship is over and he is with you for your son's benefit.

No.

DominoBlue · 21/10/2023 00:44

And @Honest2afault is talking crap

SammyScrounge · 21/10/2023 01:15

Isn't it time you were away from this man?

trythisforsize · 21/10/2023 01:22

It doesn't really matter if he's a narc.

He's definitely a ####

stealtheatingtunnocks · 21/10/2023 01:27

What would you advise a friend in your situation. to do?

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