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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do in this situation?

5 replies

Bluela18 · 20/10/2023 19:56

So , I was brought up by a very strict lady, not my real mother. This was in the 80's so maybe normal back then. She did run a good household, we were very well dressed and very clean and well groomed, washed every evening and fed well. We had chores we had to do and would get pocket money at the weekend. We were allowed out to play , everything was on time, we knew every minute of every day what would happen, breakfast time, lunch, bath time bedtime etc.

She was a no nonsense lady and we would often get thrashed, really thrashed. There was no emotion from her, she said jump you asked how high. I was thrashed for things like getting my socks wet, or reading a book in bed when I should have been sleeping , she swung me by my hair and dug her nails in me. She punched me a couple of times, there was blood on the wall, she said tell anyone about this I will do it again. But I always respected the way I was brought up and put it down to strictness?

Anyway someone in the family did something to me that they shouldn't have SA ,and when it came out she lied to the whole family and the person also got away with it. The whole family turned against me and I was on my own from the age of 16. I didn't speak to any of them for 20 years.

My life is absolutely fine, I live a quiet life always trying to do better and brought up some happy healthy kids. Im a very well balanced person. This lady, my strict mother and I have been in touch for a few years. I'm not sure why but im always concerned about her and her health and trying to make sure we get on. Shes now an elderly lady, tells me all this sweet things, you are my little girl and we got on so well. Then we called eachother. It seemed to have gone OK. But 6 months later I've never heard from her again, I know she's fine. But I feel guilty as hell and feel I should get back in touch as she's elderly but then I think back to my past and think why should I? But then I think life is short, but maybe she didn't like me even though we had a laugh on the phone??
Sorry its long

OP posts:
PierceMorgansChin · 20/10/2023 20:23

She took on parental responsibility, keeping you clean and fed was her duty, she doesn' deserved a medal for it. You don't owe her. She abused you and she protected another person who abused you. I think all this is above mumsnet pay grade and you should address it in therapy

PaminaMozart · 20/10/2023 20:27

I think all this is above mumsnet pay grade and you should address it in therapy

I agree. @Bluela18 - I think you need to get counselling to explore all these issues. But reading up on boundaries and self esteem would be an excellent first step.

Bluela18 · 20/10/2023 20:51

PaminaMozart · 20/10/2023 20:27

I think all this is above mumsnet pay grade and you should address it in therapy

I agree. @Bluela18 - I think you need to get counselling to explore all these issues. But reading up on boundaries and self esteem would be an excellent first step.

Thank you for both responses. Thank you for touching apon self esteem and boundaries. I was looking for general advice about what to do lol , but amazed this was something that was picked out from my post. I think it's spot on

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 20/10/2023 22:51

You don’t owe her any loyalty and I doubt very much that she would ever apologise to you for her terrible behaviour.

Personally I don’t see anything positive in it for you, and In fact I think in reality it would be very negative for you and stir up some terrible memories.

Leave her be, she doesn’t deserve you.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/10/2023 22:57

That sort of violence against a child is appalling. It wasn't the norm then, it wasn't just strict, it was abuse. And then she was complicit in you being abused, she knew about it but not only didn't prevent it, she hushed it up and lied to protect the abuser. That is sick and twisted.
She might be old, but it doesn't change who she is. Please don't get back in contact with her, it couldn't possibly lead to a good outcome for you.

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