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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know it was wrong of me…

5 replies

Hurtandconfused12343 · 20/10/2023 19:54

But I looked at my partners phone again.

I looked at this phone last year and found some messages between him and a friend talking about women they know and how they want to sleep with them. I admitted to looking at his phone and told him I was really hurt by
those messages and found them disrespectful. He agreed he was being sleazy and said he wouldn’t say those things anymore.

Fast forward to the last month or so, he was getting very secretive with his phone and would lock his phone whenever I was nearby. This afternoon I had the rare chance to have a look at this phone whilst he was out. Messages from this friend started from September so he had deleted previous messages. He was talking about several women, but one person in particular. It was saying things about dreaming about living with her, meeting her in town, messaging with her and just vile sexual things. Now this woman I know he has messaged previously, but there was no signs of any messages from her on his phone so he’s deleted them. When I confronted him he said it’s me he loves and he doesn’t care about any other woman but me. He would never let another woman touch him, but he said that she had
touched him to his friend. He’s refusing to talk about it and gets angry and blames me.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know whether to believe him or whether he’s got things to hide

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 20/10/2023 19:57

Honestly, if you got to keep looking at his phone there is zero trust in this relationship.
I would just end it. He sounds like he's not happy with just one woman.

loseweightpleasegod · 20/10/2023 20:03

Leave him.

perfectcolourfound · 20/10/2023 20:14

Ofcourse you can't believe him. You've seen it with your own eyes - he's told his friend what he thinks about her / what he's done with her. EVEN IF you choose to believe nothing has physically happened and it's all in his head..... do you want to be with a man who spends so much time dreaming about being with another woman, to the point it seems to be an obsession.

You will always feel like second place while you're with him. At worst, he is cheating on you, has been for some time, and bragging to his friend about it. AT best, he wants to cheat, spends a lot of his time dreaming about this woman, and will take any opportunity he can, now or in the future, to be with her.

Don't be someone's backup option. Only be with a man if YOU are the woman of his dreams.

user21413 · 20/10/2023 20:38

He’s refusing to talk about it and gets angry and blames me.

What could he possibly blame you for when he's the one messaging his friend about someone / some women? Don't let this guy turn it round on you and make you think that you're the problem. The minute you even consider this, he'll have you wrapped around his little finger.

He's already got form, he's already lied, how could you possibly trust him to tell the truth now?

Do yourself a favour and get rid, otherwise you'll be stuck in this same old cycle this time next year.

Hurtandconfused12343 · 21/10/2023 07:01

You’ve all confirmed what I thought. We’ve been together 15 years and they have been mostly happy years until the last 5 or so. How do you leave someone when you have nowhere to go? I don’t know where to start in getting a plan in place for me and our children? He won’t leave as he put the deposit down on the house

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