Need stamina to leave

[Hotbathsrockmyworld]

I've been with my husband for over 20 years.
Obviously we've both changed a lot over that timeframe.
He has done some fairly horrible things to me over the years: violence, aggression, shouting, threatening, silent treatment, putting me down, making crude jokes, making me take the nothing after pill, secret online affair with other women in a porn\sex site, he lied about this so never really know the full extent.
I'm pathetic and never left him.
My own family were abusive and I've on and off been no contact over the years so no support network there.
I've got a10 year old daughter with him now.
During the pandemic he became much worse with aggression and basically being horrible and he moved out.
He did an annger management course and gave up alcohol and he is now for the first time a nice person. He moved back in with us and we drove moved house.

I mean he doesn't do anything bbad anymore. He's not like some awesome guy or anything.

I just am burnt out. I don't want him and all this time I've wished he could just leave. I earn pennies compared to him... He pays our bills. We don't really have enough to support 2 homes and I don't know how to work this out.
I think we have stayd together out of convenience and affordability, well I have
He wants a relationship with me and I feel pressured by him. I don't want him. I hate him. I hate what he did to me and my daughter.
I have nobody. I'm currently estranged from my family and they would only tell me how awesome he is anyways.
I had 2 friends previously whom I've lost touch with.

I've managed to persuade him to work in an office rather than from home and to see if he can get a room share.

He clutches onto this hope that we as a couple still have a chance. I feel so guilty for my daughter that I don't want him. We are such a small family with basically no relatives and no friends. It's lonely. I'm lonely. All his relatives are horrible.

I wish I could have my memory wiped sometimes then I wouldn't remember what an asshole he was.

It feels like such a short and recent turn around that he has changed I don't trust him. I mean I wouldn't care if he cheated on me anyway. But I don't trust him not to just do something awful again.

I feel so small and vulnerable. When he is at home I just feel either depressed and suicidal, or really really angry with him. And when he's away I feel such a sense of relief. I feel like I can breathe and smile and listen to music.

I literally have never told anyone except some tiny bits to my parents. Nobody would ever know how awful he has been.
I feel like I'm such a bad mum to my daughter. I wish I could stand up to him abd done it a long time ago. I wish I could have kept no contact with my own parents instead of letting them back in.

It's so hard doing life alone.

Im sorry this has happened and you have been through this. Especially with no support! Please DO NOT feel guilty! U have been doing the best u can in a situation and thats all you could of done! Right now ur saying u feel depressed and suicidal around him! Have u spoken to womens aid or are there any organisations in your area to go to for support or advice! Everything is possible in some way or shape or form! Ur life is for living and even posting on here is a start!

I’m in the middle of a divorce and I am going to give you the advice I wish I had had.

You feel awful and low because you feel trapped and powerless.

Before the D word is mentioned educate yourself on divorce and all financial matters. Make sure you know where all the money is. Get yourself signed up to all your bank accounts online. Make copies of financial information, regarding you and and you husband.

Look at the website wikivorce, it’s brilliant. Look up the Form E. Find out about mortgages, the benefit system (if you’ll need it). It will seem desperately hard at first, but like anything the more you try the easier it gets. Often a family solicitor will give a free consultation. Talk to one, or three or a dozen.

As you gain knowledge you may feel less hopeless. You don’t need to do anything, just learn.

You may find it’s not as bad as you think, and you may find out something that helps you plan a different future than the one you think you are doomed for.

Just don’t do what I did. Suffer in silence for years, then one day a blazing row, divorce gets uttered, and from then on your husband does everything to stop you getting hold of what suddenly turns from ‘our’ money to ‘his’ money.

Ive been married much longer and the split is 50/50 of all of our assets. I’m expecting to get about 50% of what my stbxh says is the asset pot. It’s totally in his power to misrepresent its value(which he is blatantly doing) because like a fool I didn’t do any of the things I’ve suggested above.

Just had another toxic row with him.
Previously he's been so horrible to me. He held me up against the wall by my neck and punched the wall next to my face on a nightclub.
He makes me feel like a different person when he's here. I feel so depressed and upset.
I feel like I don't know how to escape from this situation. He won't leave. I don't want to leave my daughter.
I feel like I'm a bad parent anyway. I'm nothing like I often to be when he worked away from home. I distance myself from everyone. I'm always bitter.
I don't want to see anyone and I feel like a big fake pretending to be a happy home when instead I feel like I want to vanish.
I'm worried about my daughter picking up on all this.
My parents lied to me Christmas before last saying they didn't want to see anyone but then had my sister and her fiance over instead but didn't tell me.
I just feel like I nothing in of no value to anyone even my own daughter hates me.
It's such a mess.