Social media

[Sunflowerray]

Hi just looking for some opinions on this please. My partner won't let me follow him on Instagram. This makes me uncomfortable as I feel like he's hiding it from me. His reason being that he doesn't want to see mine as he doesn't want to know who I am following. I've never said he can't see mine. For me I feel paranoid that I can't see his as I feel like he's hiding it from me. Ive suggested I just follow him and he doesn't have to follow me back but he will not compromise with this as he says it's just so I can check up on him. The odd occasion I have brought it up it turns into an argument. Any thoughts on how to resolve this? Would it bother you?

I don’t know, playing devils advocate, isn’t a person allowed to have some areas of their lives disconnected to their partners? I’m too grumpy-old-woman-esque to understand social media angst, but just wondering this.
For example - I often tell my DP detailed, entire conversations I’ve had with friends, then other times I don’t, I’m not hiding or cheating but I’m keeping that conversation private because I’m an adult and I have every right to choose not to share everything.

Are there other parts of your life together you are unhappy about? It may be the tip to an iceberg you aren’t wanting to admit to yourself. Do you feel cherished? Cared for? Respected?

Why do you think it's petty?

Personally I think it's a very big issue.

I'm not a big SM user but my DH and I follow each other on our accounts. Neither of us have anything to hide and it's never occurred to either of us that we require privacy in this regard.

In contrast I'd never consider looking at his phone or WhatsApp/Signal conversations with his friends and vice versa (even though we both know each others phone PIN in case of emergency). We respect each others privacy in respect of having a life/ friendships apart from each other.

BUT SM is different because you are sharing that content with a wide group of people rather than close friends on a private WhatsApp group for example.

A person who is prepared to "share" their life with many people on IG or other platforms but not their partner can have no other reason than that there is things they are posting they don't want the supposedly person they are closest to to see.

That's very different to being able to have private conversations with close friends.

So that means he doesn't want you to know what he's posting because it reflects a life/opinions/actions that he knows you won't like.

That's why it makes you uncomfortable - because you KNOW he his deliberately hiding an aspect of his characters from you that's he's comfortable sharing with many other people.

It's a pretty big indication of where you rank in his priorities and that's a hell of a reason to call time on a relationship when you rank below every IG contact.

Ultimately you can't truly love a person you don't know and you can't know someone who chooses to hide an aspect of their life from you while simultaneously sharing it with others.

I agree with you re: privacy- see my last post but the difference here is between private conversations and social media and that difference is significant imho.

Alternatively it's a petty reason to destroy trust in a marriage by not allowing your partner to follow you on SM.....

Make an account of someone you know he knows for example who is on his fb. Just use one of their pics as the profile pic I’m sure h add you then.

he’s definitely hiding something.

He is 100% following scantily clad young women posting thirsty pics and doesn't want you to see. Wait a few days and create one like that and add him.

Fight for the Marriage, try counselling, therapy, etc look for a help. There is definitely lack of something.... Please read 5 Languages of Love - Chapman and start to talk in your husband language and you will see miracles! It works!

Do you have mutal friends that follow you both? Family/friend/friends husband etc? Could you have a look that way to see what the big deal is?

it does sound suspicious and the gaslighting makes it even more suspicious

Well he's hiding something that he thinks would scupper your marriage. Boyfriends? Very young contacts? Some sort of fantasy? Andrew Tate style nastiness? Extreme politics?

I'd not cope with that either. How can you trust him? The silly thing is the imagining is probably worse than the reality.

As you say, you have a child to consider. It's an immensely difficult decision if he won't be open.

@Covetthee yes we do have mutual friends/family on there but no one I would feel comfortable asking to look to be honest.

@MintJulia absolutely agree the imagining is probably worse than the reality and unfortunately I am someone who overthinks things so my mind is coming up with all kinds of scenarios. I am not trying to invade his privacy but I need openness and transparency in a relationship.

Either create a fake user or I'll add him on my established account and report back? 🥸

Split was unrelated but I will say I do have trust issues in general when it comes to relationships.

Could this be why?

Because even before I got to that post I was thinking he's either hiding something or is there a possibility you constantly question him about every like or comment from the opposite sex?

If it's not the latter, then it really does sound as though he has something to hide.

@WhateverMate yes there have been occasions when I've asked who someone is but it wasn't a constant thing. He has also asked the same of me in the past.

You wouldn't be ending the relationship because he won't let you follow him on SM though. You'd be doing it because you don't trust him and he is behaving in a way that is untrustworthy.

Whatever he is doing on there, it's not innocent is it?

This. You sound controlling OP, he has a right to some privacy. If the roles were reversed I think most replies would be leave the jealous bustard

Hmmm probably one of those situations where unless you hear from both sides (and obviously we can't), it's probably not as cut and dried as we think.

If I was with someone who questioned me due to their own trust issues, I might ban them from my SM too.

I suppose it would depend on how much of a headache they were giving me.

It's a tough one when you've been together for such a long period of time. However, there's usually a reason why people split up the first time. I appreciate that if it was the early stages of dating then it would be much easier to walk away. Having said that, this is YOUR life. You still have years ahead of you, is this how you want to live? Is this the standard you want to set for your child? Leaving a 10 year relationship is hard in the short term. But LIVING another 10 years in this kind of relationship will be even harder.

I can see a few people commenting saying that social media is a minor thing to be getting upset over and whilst I agree that social media is a minor thing, it becomes all the more suspicious and odd that he would be so secretive about something so minor. I don't know anyone who outright refuses to allow their partner to follow them on Instagram, let alone block them completely.

My gut feeling is that he was living a different life during your split, and he now wants his cake and to eat it too. Regardless, it's odd behaviour that I could never ever tolerate, and it will magnify your insecurities. It is no wonder you have issues with trust.

I don't follow my DP on social media because I am insecure and would pick fault over nothing, so to mitigate that and recognise it's my issue I just don't follow him.

So I guess in this way I am your partner as in I don't want to see his account.

He however does follow me, because it's important to him to be able to see me and I have nothing to hide.

I think he is up-to no good OP one way or another.

@uuser21413 yeah I totally get what you are saying and of course I do not want to spend the next 10yrs feeling insecure about my relationship. I suppose I feel a bit stuck in limbo now... Part of me is telling me to just ignore it and the other is telling me this isn't right.
Yes I agree SM is a minor thing but I can't deny it is creating a massive amount of distrust in the relationship.

I do not feel I am being controlling towards my partner, just looking for a certain level of openness and this isn't it.

Agree with @Traysho

its Social media for Christ sake, to the people saying he’s ‘obviously cheating ‘ that’s ridiculous , he has a right to keep it private if he wants to, secretive yes; hiding things maybe but not necessarily.

it’s no different really to him asking to see your WhatsApp messages or similar. They are your private messages and only you have the right to choose who sees them.

it is likely IMO, that he is following people that he thinks might make you uncomfortable, maybe because of how they come across on SM ( skimpy clothing etc) but let’s me honest, he can look at much worse online and unless he is DM them then there is no harm done.

Sorry but many women feel differently to this. We do care if they follow accounts like that, it's a red flag to me.

Sorry but many women feel differently to this. We do care if they follow accounts like that, it's a red flag to me.

Why is it a red flag?

Show me one man or woman who doesn't appreciate looking at a fit, athletic body and I'll show you a liar.

Did you never have posters on your wall as a teenager? Growing older doesn't mean not wanting to look at 'virtual' posters.

Not really the same it might be ok to you but its not to some women. Also One poster is different to following multiple accounts of semi naked people .

Many women don’t like it as it often isn’t just the men enjoying a beautiful woman, it often crosses a line when because of the interaction whether thats a like or a comment or DM

yes the women will hardly reply but its utter cringe seeing men comment on these womens posts and then see that they have pics of their wives and children on their pages. Even worse when its older men on barely teenage girls accounts.

can’t imagine how i would feel if that was my husband and a family member/friend came across this stuff.

@Covetthee covered a lot but it's definitely a red flag to many many women, just google it. Most of us don't like it, it makes us feel insecure, inferior, less than. Most women can't compete. Then they wonder why we don't want sex. Blah blah men can compartmentalise and they love us etc.. we don't like it.
Men being sleazy isn't a given, I've been with men who pass all my sleaze tests. They don't feel the need to follow accounts and fill their heads with perfect images, and even worse like and comment so they feel they've had an interaction with a hot woman. Pathetic