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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married but living apart

16 replies

Couldthiswork · 20/10/2023 16:18

Hi there. Appreciate this us an unusual and unpopular scenario, but DP and I would like to get married but for lots of reasons intend to keep our own house. Does anyone know anyone that does this? We both very happy with the plan but I know most other people will find it odd

OP posts:

Meniscus · 20/10/2023 16:22

I know several people who do it in happy longterm relationships, both married and unmarried. I worked in another country for more than half of every years for a decade, and had my own house there. We only live together FT now because we have DS. It’s perfectly possible we will live separately again in future.

DustyLee123 · 20/10/2023 16:36

Sounds perfect to me.

kingkongs · 20/10/2023 16:39

Sounds like bliss, I'd love my own place 😂

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/10/2023 16:40

We live together but DH has had long spells of working overseas and might again in the future. Wouldn't work for everyone but it's fine for us!

Ultimately, if you're both happy with it, it doesn't really matter a jot what anyone else thinks. If it works for you, then that's good enough!

Hearmenow23 · 20/10/2023 16:40

My only concern would be who inherits your house. If you have your own dc I wouldn't get married.

Original poster

Couldthiswork · 20/10/2023 16:46

We are head over heels in love and really want to make the commitment, but without changing anything as things are bloody amazing just as they. We’ve both done the cohabitation thing several times and it’s just not for us. This really seems like perfect solution but when we’ve mentioned it to a couple of friends, they look at us like we are insane! It’s great to hear that you don’t think it’s a ridiculous idea.

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/10/2023 16:51

Don't be put off by your friends' reactions. I'm sure that they mean well, but some people just have very traditional ideas about what marriage looks like.

DH and I have had separate bedrooms for years. I know some people would consider that terrible, but it works for us, and we've been together for 28 years now, so something must be working!

Your expectations from marriage are a very personal thing. There are no absolute rights and wrongs. Just do what feels right to you.

Original poster

Couldthiswork · 20/10/2023 16:54

To be honest most the couples I know would love separate bedrooms!

Thank you, I think you are absolutely right and I need to stop worrying what other people think.

OP posts:

fyn · 20/10/2023 16:59

I worked with somebody who did this, they bought two adjoining houses. I think they man was a little bit of a hoarder so it suited them both quite well!

My DH also works away in the week so we just see him at weekends mostly, although he lives in accommodation provided by his employer.

Rania78 · 20/10/2023 17:03

Do whatever works for you and don’t bother with other people’s opinions and “social norms”.

i know a couple that has done this and they live happily married for 30+ years now.

221BBakerSt · 20/10/2023 17:05

We have separate houses but are literally one minute’s walk from each other’s gates (I’ve timed it 😆), it’s worked for us for a long time - I don’t really care what neighbours/acquaintances think, we are very much in love and very happy what could be better?
Enjoy your relationship.

mathanxiety · 20/10/2023 17:06

If it's good enough for your own dear king and his lady wife, then it should be fine for you.

It sounds ideal, tbh.

mathanxiety · 20/10/2023 17:07

Update your wills and be very specific about disposition of all of your property, when you marry.

Original poster

Couldthiswork · 20/10/2023 17:14

Thank you all, it’s so lovely to hear so many positive stories 😊. We’ve both been married before and both said never again, but that was because we assumed it would mean having to live together. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones that feel like this.

And yes good point re wills etc (I have children, he doesn’t). We would definitely make sure the legal side was all sorted before we did it.

OP posts:

Boleynforsoup · 20/10/2023 20:22

In an ideal world I'd like to like to have the option to live in adjoining houses with my partner rather than move in together as such. We love spending time together and usually spend four nights a week together but are also quite independent, I was on my own for 7 years before we met, so got very used to my own space but I do wish it was a little easier to spend more nights together sometimes.

However, we also both have our own kids from previous relationships half the time, so being able to be together whenever we wanted but also having the space to spend quality time alone with our kids too would be the dream.

Mydahliasareshit · 20/10/2023 20:51

I used to know a chap who had attempted this a few times with selected gfs. He was a bit unique though. He outrageously love bombed them for the first year or so, but always said his dream for the perfect marriage was living apart. The thing that connected each of these women he'd targeted was that they also had a property in the US. That was the golden hook for each attempt to make it legal for him, but he had no interest in reality in the women or sharing their lives. He is still a bachelor now in his mid 60s, I guess they all trusted their gut that something was 'off' in his OTT pursuit of them!

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