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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Local ex. Struggling to move past it.

21 replies

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 10:50

I just saw my ex bf for the first time since our summer break up. We live in a v. small town but I've been away for work these past few weeks so have been able to distract myself. But seeing him has left me feeling pretty sick and full of adrenaline - even though we didn't speak. FML.

Both in our thirties no DC. He behaved like a total gent for the first few months and instigated things: intro'd me to his friends and fam etc. A couple of weeks after we returned from a week-long hol (his idea) he started switching it up and I could feel the interest level dipping. We had a chat he told me his 'heart wasn't in' our 6-month relationship, it had gotten pretty serious and that his feelings hadn't grown for me past getting to know one another/we felt more like mates.

He went from being someone who was super kind and consistent to shrugging me off. What's worse is that if he'd had a conversation with me I would have likely agreed that we would be better as friends. It would have made this process a lot nicer and less awkward when I see his parents (also local).

A month after our b/up it was my birthday. I happened to drive past him that day and he turned the other way. So, yeh that told me a lot. We have had no contact and I blocked his number at that point. I know he was a bad match for me, but this local issue continues to sting. I feel like I can no longer complain about this because it was months ago but I'm dealing with an area that I love that now feels tainted.

So now I'm back living in a small area, feeling sick everytime I see him/his fam and feeling quite sorry for myself to be honest! If he'd handled this better I would be feeling less shit. I've bumped into his dad and had a polite conversation some weeks ago. That was awkward but this morning was legit horrible.
I have a new job in December and am tempted to relocate. At the same time I don't want to be forced out of my home because of a short-term thing.

I think this is made worse by the shitty behaviour I've experienced from men online. Needless to say I'm not dating at the moment and have come off OLD which is perhaps making this situation feel bigger than it is…

I just want to move on and feel better! Please don’t pile in with the ‘at least he didn’t string you along’ because it’s little consolation!

OP posts:

Gallowayan · 20/10/2023 11:05

Thing about something that upset you a few years ago and how upset you feel about the event now. Ask yourself how important this will seem in 10 years time 5 years time 3 years and so on

Not dismissing the way you feel.Your feelings are what they are and you sometimes just have to accept that you feel bad
and live through it.

It will pass. Don't make any big decisions about moving away until your emotions have died down

category12 · 20/10/2023 11:35

It's the first time you've seen him, bound to knock you back a bit.

I think you need to just keep going about your business like normal until it no longer bothers you.

You've spoken to his family since the break up. You've now seen him. Nobody died. Nothing bad happened. You just feel a bit bruised.

You won't always have the same stress reaction to seeing him.

Mari9999 · 20/10/2023 11:48

@Birthdayblu
Breakups , even when mutually agreed, are usually awkward for a bit. This is just your awkward bit. You will get past this . It should not be necessary to move or relocate. You can't run from awkwardness. You cope like an adult knowing full well that this too shall pass.

There was probably a momentary bit of awkwardness for his dad in meeting you, but he is not going to sell his home and leave town because of it. It will be less awkward each time that he runs into you.

Put on your big girl panties and accept that this was not a relationship that was working for both of you. That happens , and life goes on without major disruption.

Original poster

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 12:02

@Mari9999 I don’t really feel your comment about his dad is fair - he’s not the one in a breakup!

OP posts:

Original poster

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 12:05

@Gallowayan you’re right. Time will heal this. I know I need to hold off on decisions until this feels less bruising. I appreciate you not telling me I’m overblowing this!

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 20/10/2023 12:05

@Birthdayblu
His dad is not a party to the break up but he is a party to the collateral awkwardness through no fault of his own. He too probably felt some discomfort in running into you.

Original poster

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 12:13

@Mari9999 i would argue it was a damn sight worse for me but point taken

OP posts:

4naansjeremy · 20/10/2023 12:55

I had a breakup 17 years ago after stupidly getting involved with the friend of a sibling. I took it badly at the time and as they were always on the periphery of my life lots of regular activities would end up feeling very stressful.

It took a while but now the only thing that makes me feel awkward is the memory of the thoughts I had within my own head.

It will pass.

Alphyn · 20/10/2023 14:22

It’s all quite new and raw so seeing him is probably triggering a “fight or flight” response. I think once it’s happened a number of times, your brain will start to register that there is no threat and maybe you won’t feel so triggered. I experienced that with exH too and it takes a while to detach and just treat that person like a distant acquaintance (or total stranger, if that’s how he’s behaving).

frozendaisy · 20/10/2023 17:59

Ex is not king of the village.

It was a fling.

You live there

Honestly no one else will care

If you genuinely like his parents then say hello.

If not do polite and get on with your day.

Honestly OP no one will care. Pretend you had the conversation.

Original poster

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 20:53

It wasn’t a fling @frozendaisy. What a strange thing to say! I’m not arsed about ‘other people’ caring. I’m more bothered about how I navigate it from my own perspective

OP posts:

Frasers · 20/10/2023 20:58

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 20:53

It wasn’t a fling @frozendaisy. What a strange thing to say! I’m not arsed about ‘other people’ caring. I’m more bothered about how I navigate it from my own perspective

Edited

Op it was six months, it wasn’t much more than a fling. Clearly you fell for him very hard and he didn’t feel the same. Bur you should try to remember it was a very brief relationship that didn’t work out. Your reactions are deeply extreme, wanting to move away the area is tainted etc, all because you saw a guy who you dated for six months.

mayne counselling will help you accept it? It sounds like he was polite and honest when he ended it, it was serious for you, but not for him. And 6 months if a very short time to declare something as serious.

Original poster

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 21:10

@Frasers I’m sure you mean well, but you can’t possibly comment on my depth of feeling or the nature of the relationship - that’s not for you to say. It’s also off base to say my reaction is extreme. It was his perception the relationship had gotten serious; previously he’d been driving everything forward. I was actually going with the flow and was surprised by the sudden change in his behaviour. The switch up is the bit I’m struggling with. You’ve even claimed he was polite - how would you know that exactly?

counselling might help, but you’re wrong to tell me what the relationship was/wasn’t based on what I’ve posted.

OP posts:

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 20/10/2023 21:22

@Birthdayblu I totally agree with you - no one can tell you that 6 months is a fling as to you it wasn't.

I know a couple who married within 6 months of being together & are now celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
On the other hand I know a couple who've been together for a year & they still insist they're just going with the flow to see if it leads anywhere.

Frasers · 21/10/2023 09:18

Op, my apologies, and absolutely for you it was not remotely a fling, but you said he had commented for him it never got past the getting to know uou /friends thing, that’s what I was trying to say, for him it was, even if he indicated otherwise.

was he not polite?from how you detailed the break up, and explained why he no longer wished to date you, it felt polite, but if he was rude or abusive, then I’m sorry that happened to you

category12 · 21/10/2023 14:12

Birthdayblu · 20/10/2023 21:10

counselling might help, but you’re wrong to tell me what the relationship was/wasn’t based on what I’ve posted.

Oh there's a type of future-faking dater that likes to rush relationships along and get the other person all swept off their feet despite their better judgement, and then they go cold. Maybe he was one of those.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/10/2023 14:24

This is going to pass
and I understand that online dating is making it feel bad so stop that also

don’t relocate , just keep yourself going and know that this feeling won’t last forever

noooooooo · 21/10/2023 14:26

I’ve had similar and had to work with the man who who did all the same stuff, said he loved me, meet the parents, go on holiday, asked me move in with him - then, bang, it was all over😬 He said ‘we weren’t on the same page’ but he was the one doing all the typing.

I think the best advice was the first advice, from @Gallowayan. It’s about keeping perspective, don’t make any big decisions for future you on the basis of how current you is feeling. Also, it’s about building resilience. I hope not, but you might end up stuck with an ex with whom you have kids and will have no option but to deal with them. This is still fresh but it will get easier. You’re handling it well by being mature and pleasant to his family, one day he’ll just be someone you used to know.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 14:34

Frasers · 21/10/2023 09:18

was he not polite?from how you detailed the break up, and explained why he no longer wished to date you, it felt polite, but if he was rude or abusive, then I’m sorry that happened to you

What a lovely reply to a surly post.

I've got nothing useful to add other than agreeing with what everyone has posted.

Dery · 21/10/2023 14:48

@Birthdayblu - sorry you’re going through this. These things are always very uncomfortable for a while - especially the firsts: eg first time you run into each other again, first time you encounter other people who knew you as a couple. I’ve been through this a few times over the years and it’s a big ouch. But it passes.

It’s harder still in a small place where everyone is more familiar with each other and more aware of what’s going on in people’s lives. But as PP have said, the discomfort will fade so now is probably not the best time to make big decisions about relocating etc. Cut yourself some slack - focus on doing things you enjoy - spoil yourself a bit.

Original poster

Birthdayblu · 21/10/2023 16:45

@Frasers thanks for your reply. I had a pretty sharp reaction to the term fling when I met his mates, family and we’d been on holiday to Turkey for a week. That for me isn’t ‘fling’ territory. Imagine 3 weeks after being on a couples’ holiday together having the bloke you’ve been dating (who suggested doing all these things btw) go AWOL on texts and when you ask for an explanation he tells you he wasn’t really into you to begin with! Can you see how that landed? @donquixotedelamancha if that is surly, sobeit. He’s obviously entitled to change his mind but it still stung.

@category12 i think that’s what’s hurting my brain. I didn’t push for all the milestone stuff - he did. To suddenly be dropped felt brutal - especially when it’s practically on my doorstep. @noooooooo i’m sorry you experienced something similar and thank you for sharing that with me. You’re so right about the potential kids with an ex analogy. Food for thought indeed.

Thank you for all the kind responses. I take from your wise comments that I need to not make any massive decisions and mull it all over when things feel less stinging.

OP posts:

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