Help me word this message please!

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I worked with a woman many years ago and we became good work friends (after an initial fallout) and when she retired we kept in touch, and met for coffee and cake when we could, but as with all good intentions contact was more sporadic especially after covid, and I haven't seen her in person since before that. She was a bit of a mentor for me.

She remarried in her 60s (her husband had cheated, and then died on his honeymoon which wasn't with the OW btw, the OW was long gone, whole other story) and she was very happy with her new husband and they had a good life. I was looking her up on Facebook this week, to see that her page is now in the name of her husband with Widowed as his relationship status. I am really shocked and upset. I don't know when or how this happened. I've searched online for funerals and deaths but there isn't anything.

I want to send him a message but I don't know how to word it. We never met, but she talked about him all the time so I felt I knew a lot about him. I know he made her really happy.

I just started to write to him but then thought I would ask for some words of wisdom to pitch it right. I don't just want to say the usual condolences, but if possible I would love to meet up with him and chat about his wife, as she meant a lot to me in my early career years, if he would like to do that. I found a group work photo of our small team with both of us on and I wanted to send that in my message, too.

I'm so sad about my friend, and it's so nice too that our friends aren't always from our own age groups. Today too, one of the cats I care for in my cat sitting business is being PTS - and it is pissing down outside too - so I am not having the best day.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received. Thanks.

I was in a slightly similar position a few years ago. I would start with a short message saying how shocked and sorry you are and that you were good friends years back. Maybe offer to show the photo. He may want to establish some contact but he may not, it’s impossible to know.

In my case the widower was pleased to have some messages and we kept in touch sporadically- there was/is a long running case surrounding her death. We met once when I was in his town which was good but won’t happen again.

Sorry for your horrible day. Maybe don’t rush the message, let it form in your mind for a few days?

I would write a version of what you put above; some memories of your friendship, what she meant to you, how sad and shocked you are. I would wrap up by saying you don't know how recent it is but you would love to meet up whenever he's ready, at any stage.

I was in a similar position, this is what I sent -
Hi ? you probably don't remember me, I worked with your mum years ago. I heard that she may have passed away. If that is so I would like to say how sorry I am and send my condolences to you and your family.

I sent it through messenger, not Facebook.

Thanks, yes I was going to go through Messenger.

OP, I think just say what you have written in your post. Agree with PP to let it develop a bit over the next few days before sending. Your haste to meet up with him might be a shock reaction, but sending a message sounds like a kind gesture.

I might send a message to him...but I wouldn't meet up with him. You don't really know him and chances are he's probably a nice guy but men can be funny sometimes and you're a younger woman wanting to meet up with him. Men can read all sorts into the most innocuous of things.

I hadn't thought of that, he is 70 years old so nothing on the cards like that, his stepson (my friend's son) is 46 and older than me and his daughter is my own age.

I know your intentions op but like I said, men can be a bit funny sometimes! He will probably be fine but some men, no matter how old they are see any type of attention from a younger woman as an invitation.