33 years of marriage

[Mabes2]

Asking for advice. I have been with for 20 years. Just recently my partner (say over the 12 months) has been distant. I have asked him if he's chatting with someone back in January but he told me not to be daft. Last week I found off of FB messenger over 1 year to an old school girl friend. These messages (the ones i saw) we extremely innocent and reminiscing. As its over 1 year and the messages continued to be of an innocent nature he told me I am being silly and over reacting. I went ballistic. 1. I asked him months ago was he chatting and 2. keeping it from me. I contacted her and her husband has seen them and she seems a nice lady. Am I over reacting?

Why did you go ballistic? It sounds like he doesn’t think platonic catching with an old friend is “chatting to someone” in a cheating way. Her husband’s not worried having seen the messages. I’m not sure what the issue is.

Yes unless you have reason to not trust him

Why do you think he didn't answer honestly when you asked him about it before, OP? Could there be any legitimate reason to keep it from you? Would he think that you'd be jealous of innocent messaging? Have you ever given him any reason to think of you as a jealous person? If no, then I'd say there is a problem there in that he potentially wanted it to develop beyond innocent messaging.

I think “ballistic” is a gross overreaction based on what you have told us.

You sound very insecure OP. Has your husband given you any other reasons to doubt him, and why did you jump to thinking he might be cheating because he became a bit distant? This sounds innocent enough unless there are other things causing you to be anxious about his behaviour.

It’s a trust issue. If he’s lied to you, then yes ballistic seems appropriate.

Why have you put married for 33 years in your title and with him for 20 years in your main post?