Husband said everything he's done was to make me happy

[Es2710]

My husband and I have been arguing a lot since I had my little one (she is 1 now). He keeps telling me I need anger management, but I don't think I do and I think I have a normal reaction to feeling unsupported and have done for a very long time.
Throughout COVID he spent his time during lockdown in the garage with his cars and I didn't see him (or anyone else) for entire days.
He now works shifts so I barely see him and he can go full days without having anything to do with LO.
While I was pregnant we were renovating a house so he did that 24/7 and, again, I rarely saw him.
We also have 2 dogs.
While trying to sort these issues out and save our relationship he then said he hadn't wanted to get either of the dogs when we did, nor have a baby when we did and he just did it all to make me happy.
No idea how to get past this and I have no idea what to say to him, as it seems like he still isn't taking responsibility for any of the problems we are facing by saying he's unhappy because he did everything in our lives for me? He also, however, in the next breath said that he would never change anything?
Feeling really betrayed and not sure he realises the enormity of what he has said.

I think you need to find your anger not try to manage it! What a pathetic excuse for a husband and father he is...you might find your life easier without him in it.

He’s an immature, avoidant type who hides from uncomfortable reality and blames you when he can’t hide anymore. He needs therapy to be better but it’ll only work if he admits he is the problem.

no, he does not realise and what is worse - he probably means it too

there are people who manage to be both avoidant and passive. they will go with whatever is asked of them but also avoid doing things they don't want to do...and he clearly does not want to be around you. your anger, while justified, is probably giving him an excuse for his behaviour too

so you need to think what you will do about this situation. he told you where he's at with his thinking, take it at face value

What a hero eh!

Regardless of the I did it to make you happy you both have 2 dogs and a child to look after these are the facts he needs to grow up, accept this and oh my god shock horror he light actually enjoy some of it if he wasn't throwing blame about.

Aren't you just bored OP?
I would last 5 minutes at best listening to this nonsense. Me big man, me had no influence over decisions, me said yes to please little wife, me unhappy now, but me big man will blame weaker members of family because me big man in charge except of big life decisions.

And round and round you go until one of you dies.

Yep 5 minutes at most.

I can see what his saying, his saying it did it to make you happy which I think is fine really but what he seems to not be getting is upon that choice, even though he was doing it to make you happy, he was still agreeing to be a dad and dog owner, so you can’t skip out on the responsibility. He needs to step up as he still chose to be a parent/dog owner regardless of the reason behind it.

Him working shifts and renovating your home is a positive. He's helping support his family.

If neither of you want the dogs, then rehome them.

But, you are both parents, so that will have to something he gets his head around! 🙄

That’s game over for me.

how can someone that is supposed to be your equal, to support and live you and ADD to your life rather than being loneliness , isolation and then guilt be surprised when you eventually tell him you are done.

He doesn’t sound like he is actively participating in family life anyway so I’d take the next step.

Oh god, I had this from my feckless ex. "I just went along with it to make you happy." At first I thought this was bullshit but these days I think it was one of the more honest and self-reflective things he has ever said (even though when he said it, his intention was to somehow blame me for his decision-making).

At the time he actually made the decisions, he insisted that he was wholly committed to them. But he is one of those people who have such a shallow sense of themselves that they will impulsively go along with major commitments they have given almost no realistic thought to, just because they have become besotted with someone who wants those things.

Later the infatuation wears off and they realise they've over-committed themselves because they never deeply wanted those things in the first place. Superficially? Yes. Deeply? No.

So they find themselves being a parent, even though there are not many aspects of parenting they genuinely enjoy. Without the joy, the responsibilities associated with parenting feel like an enormous burden. They become resentful, and blame the other person for 'tricking' them into parenting, without acknowledging that the real problem was their exaggerated idea of their own capabilities (narcissism), their own limited self-knowledge (weak sense of self) and their own inherent selfishness and tendency to view relationships as a chore rather than a pleasure (again, narcissism).

If he's blaming you for choices he freely made as a way to get out of his responsibilities, I'm sorry to say that there probably isn't much hope for salvaging the relationship. If counselling can help him see what he's doing, there may be a chance.

@CheekyHobson Your post summed up my experience of my exH so well & makes so much sense.

So they find themselves being a parent, even though there are not many aspects of parenting they genuinely enjoy. Without the joy, the responsibilities associated with parenting feel like an enormous burden. They become resentful, and blame the other person for 'tricking' them into parenting, without acknowledging that the real problem was their exaggerated idea of their own capabilities (narcissism), their own limited self-knowledge (weak sense of self) and their own inherent selfishness and tendency to view relationships as a chore rather than a pleasure (again, narcissism).

Gosh this rings so true of my ex husband. Except it was second child(ren) - twins - he said he had to make me happy.
Sometimes I think it's a burden to know the truth of how he feels. And other times I admire his honesty to admit he didn't really want them and therefore that affects how he feels about them.

OP I was you a year ago. I filed for divorce and packed his things. He never lifted a finger to renovate our home or worked particularly hard at anything and so I realised that he didn't bring anything to the table. Not even being a good parent.