Feeling worthless/crazy

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So mum of 5, we’ve been together for 20 years, currently on mat leave from my two jobs.
had an awful pregnancy this time, really took it out of whole family.
we got together as teenagers, we’re teenage parents, against all odds were still together.
few things I wanted advice on pls
sex as soon as we started having kids my sex drive has severely diminished, his sex drive is that of a teenage boy. We still have sex 2-4 times a week. I have explained to him over and over again, how I don’t always feel like it etc, I always feel like he’s nice to me, then we have sex etc and then I feel like I don’t exist. He is who I lost my virginity to, I have only ever been with him. I do believe I have underlying issues with sex relating to childhood, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. He feels like it should 1-2 times a night as that is what everyone else does
me time the baby we’ve just had has been a shining light, it’s been magical. The baby has been an absolute delight and I love doing everything for and with baby. I think it has to do with us having this baby when we’re both older and appreciating moments we might not have when we were younger. But y half makes me feel crazy and worthless sometimes
for example tonight, all 5 kids are home, I have just tested positive for Covid so I’m feeling dreadful, don’t feel up to making dinner so we’re ordering in. He calls at 4:30 he’s finished early and going to the pub for a couple of hours, ok. 6:45 he rings he will be back shortly jumping in bath and to order food when he gets in bath so it will be here when he gets out. When he does get home, he’s taking work calls, nipping outside for a cigarette, doesn’t get in the bath till 8, food arrives 8:30 ish, he gets out everyone eats except me, my plate of food is still waiting because I’m getting baby to bed. We never have dinner this late. Baby is a bit grumpy, other kids go to bed after eating so late. He goes out side for another cigarette. 9:30 rolls around, baby still isn’t settled, he just plonks himself down in the front room, my dinner is still sat there, he knows I’m ill. So I ask him, don’t you feel selfish? Don’t you think I would like to eat my dinner? Get in the bath? Go to the toilet without someone yelling mom? Why should I have to ask you for these things? I also feel very guilty for asking these things, I love being a mom but would love some me time. He twists it around, saying I would only be sat there on my phone anyway so why bother. I said if I was sat here on fire you wouldn’t even get up to help put it out, his reply if you said you were on fire I’d have to question wether you were or weren’t on fire. So your calling me a liar about being sick, now I’m putting words in your mouth, I ask him to explain. Baby settles about 10:30, normally in bed by 8, other half’s in bed snoring, I’m sat here fuming and still haven’t had dinner
am i losing it? am I wrong? I can’t possibly be this wrong!!!
this isn’t the first time

Sorry op but...he sounds horrible.

I also wonder, does he have form for making your life harder when you are ill? Or at times like Christmas or your birthday? Or say, when youre paying attention to something else important such as...study for a driving test or getting ready for a rare night out with friends?

Things like, starting arguments or picking fights with family or having a huff like a 5 year old?

I ask because these are common behaviours from narcissistic abusers. And there are already read flags of that in your post (making your life harder when you are ill, guilting you into sex, twisting things,making your reasonable requests seem unreasonable ect...).

It's bad op.
He's not a nice man. The bare minimum a partner should be, is nice.

With all due respect OP, you have brought 5 children into this world with your partner. This cannot be the first time that you've noticed his shitty behaviour?

I'm not having ago at you for kids, as I am one of five, I'm just trying to understand is this a change in him, or has he always been a wanker, but you've only just realised?

5 kids and Covid! You must be shattered!

He sound like a twat regardless. If it were me, tomorrow I would make sure there was no dinner on his return (although realistically, I'd have kicked his arse out of bed to help tonight anyway).

Ps:

Its not crazy to want kindness and compassion. Or to want a partner to care and think of how to make your life easier when you are sick.
Or to respect 'no' without pouting or otherwise coercing you into sex you don't want at that time.

And you are not worthless. If someone makes you feel like that, consider that they are the ones that are worthless. They add no value to your life. They only take.

Thank you for replies so far.

please don’t ever think my kids are aware of any of this, we never argue in front of them or loud enough so they can hear, I will protect them at all costs

Friday morning, he’s off work today. Baby’s still asleep (like I said dream baby, won’t be up for couple hours unless disturbed)
he’s still in bed because it’s his day off and needs to rest, yet I’m still up feeling like this, didn’t sleep great and I was up very late
big kids have left already for college and high school, they’ve had breakfast and are sorted for the day
two middle kids are up getting ready but we don’t leave till 8:30

im riddled with guilt now for actually posting this in the first place
I do appreciate your replies and I feel like a fool
no this isn’t the first time, and I know it won’t be the last
sometimes I think we’re only together out of familiarity, it’s all we’ve ever known and we’ve grown comfortable
now there’s days when I think wow I love him so much, then there’s day when I feel like I could live without
5 kids i know, but genuinely they are awesome kids, never been a bit of trouble, kind, caring, loving, always good in school, don’t get me wrong they can be a pain and they love to argue with each other. I love being their mom

it all started when second child was 1/2, so 13/14 years ago
at the time I wasn’t working, he was in a very professional stressful job. If I’d ask for help, he called me a bad mom, bitch, fat, ugly. He was watching porn all the time (each to their own but I’m not into porn, just makes me feel dirty) would never help, I didn’t deserve or require help because I was sahm really quite awful, this lasted about 6 months, we went through it all and he hasn’t treated me that bad since

now he will sit and moan about things, or me etc, so I have told him to leave, my thinking is if your that unhappy just leave
I been on my own before, 2016 he was working away 3 months at a time, I was on my own did it all on my own and I can be on my own again

He most definitely has a drinking problem, I’m not saying he’s drinking hard liquor, but he’s drinking 5-6 cans or lager a night.
ive asked him to slow it down, he says he will, won’t have a drink till the weekend, but then it’s I’m having a drink today because he’s had a hard day. When I pull him on it, sometimes he’s said he has to drink because of me
i don’t drink, had alcoholism in family as a child and it’s not for me
it’s not like he’s sat at home pissed every night, it’s more of it can’t be good for you type of situation

We both work hard, I work a full time job which covers 4 days, then I work a second job 1/2 days a week, he works Monday to Friday at a manual job, it’s his own business, he earns double if not more than me at his job. Since our relationship started as teenagers we always shared our money, there’s been times when he hasn’t been in work or earning and the same for me
hes said on a few occasions I’m only with him for his money, and I’ve told him plenty of times as much as he earns there isn’t enough money in the world to make me stay with someone
don’t get me wrong no one in our house goes without, we have a comfortable lifestyle and kids have more than they need
but I don’t go out, I don’t have friends to socialise, I don’t get my hair and nails done, I don’t buy new or expensive clothes , if I do spend it’s on the kids
I don’t want to go out or have any of them other things, I like a quiet life, my house has everything I need in it, but don’t paint a picture like I’m some spoilt bitch that’s sitting on her throne

there are times when he makes me feel so special, beautiful and a great mom, then there are times like this
The sex is great, always gets the job done, but I don’t want it all the time

when it comes to the kids, I always tell them know your worth, especially my girls. My 17 year old, when she got a job, I told her you need to find somewhere that’s not going to pay you £5 and hour (minimum wage) your time is worth so much more, she’s at a great part time job earning £11 an hour plus tips. When it comes to her friends or boyfriend, know your worth, if they haven’t got time for you get rid, if they make you feel bad get rid, know you worth because your worth everything to me

when it comes to my partner and work, someone on site pisses you off, I’ve got your back, job not worth the money, know your worth, your time at work, missing your family

I should take my own advice and know my worth

You should absolutely take your own advice op.

There's so much to unpick from your post. So much that makes him the sort of person you should run from. But if you think of nothing else think of this - he drinks 5 beers a day around your kids. And you staying says to your children that you are fine with that. Because actions speak louder than words.

Your kids DO see the dysfunction.
And they see you stay.

So, they are going to grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable.

Also, that women should carry on doing everything whilst they are ill. And that it's OK to expect that from them.

They may not see the full brunt of how he treats you but they see that he doesn't treat you with care and compassion and that is enough in its own regard imo to show him the door and set an example for your kids on knowing their worth.

Because at the end of the day you can talk knowing your worth to kids all you like but it means nothing if you show them the opposite behaviour by your own example.

Thank you
your reply is hard to take in, but that’s only because I know it’s the truth
when you say out loud your kids see him drink everyday. They will think that’s normal, when moms sick but dads in bed sleeping, they will think that’s normal

he finally got up about 9, asked if I wanted to go for breakfast. Told him I can’t be going out with Covid, just the way he replied with oh yeah you’ve got Covid. Insinuating that I’m lying but not actually saying it.
asks where a certain pair of pants are that he put on after bath on Wednesday night, then left on bedroom floor. There in the wash, he’s literally having a go because I’ve washed the pants because he says they didn’t need washing. All of his clothes are washed dried and hung up in wardrobe. Trying to pick a fight. I asked him if there clean don’t leave in a pile on floor, just fold them or hang them back up.
the reply, you’ve got loads to do in this house why wash them?

also at one point I was sat on my phone checking big kids location, bad weather today and they both use public transport, once again he has a problem with me using my phone. It’s like he’s jealous.

busy morning, he’s left in a mood and left his phone here.

when he does get back I’m telling him to leave.

my boys should know how to treat women
my girls should know not to settle

'You've loads to do in this house' ugh. What a horrible shit he is.

Picking fights whilst you're ill and showing you nothing but contempt again too.

Well he can wash or not wash his own clothes in future because he'll be doing it himself!

Good on you for deciding enough is enough.
Be prepared there may be various crazy making behaviour from him when you tell him it's over.

He may accuse you of cheating, ('you're always on your phone!'). Or he may tell you you are breaking up the family (you are not. HE has done this through his behaviour. So don't let him put that responsibility on you).

You may get refusal to from him to leave. He may claim 'you're overreacting!' (maybe because 'you're sick' because - he'll suddenly believe you are ill beczuse it SUITS his narrative). These sort like to tell us we are overreacting or too sensitive. Usually when we are expressing our own needs instead of kissing their ass like they want us too.

Good luck op. It will likely take some perseverance your end. But as the young ones say these days - live in your truth.
Don't let anyone make you feel worthless. Even yourself through choosing to stay with cold, callous men. Be your own champion because you are worth fighting for.

You deserve good things, happiness and light.
And your kids deserve a happy mother who is no longer put upon and bullied.

Ps: he may also suddenly promise to change. But note that he never stuck to this in the past. Also, even if he did this time he'd only be doing so so as not to be out on his arse. Not out of care or compassion for you or the kids. It would likely also come along with an extra side order of contempt as time passed.

The problem is who he fundamentally is as a person just isn't a nice man. And there's no amount of therapy or abstinence from boozing or whatever else that'll change that unfortunately.

Even if he magically became decent, you'd still forever be walking on egg shells worried it wouldnt last.

You don't owe anyone your peace.

but I don’t go out, I don’t have friends to socialise, I don’t get my hair and nails done, I don’t buy new or expensive clothes , if I do spend it’s on the kids

I always feel like he’s nice to me, then we have sex etc and then I feel like I don’t exist.

But y half makes me feel crazy and worthless

These are all massive red flags. I'm glad you have decided to leave him.

Are you legally married OP? I'd suggest seeking legal advice before lighting the blue touchpaper. He sounds the sort to try to baffle you with bullshit about "you're not getting a penny" and "I won't pay maintenance" to try to pull you back in line.