Due anytime now and husband arguing

[Marie0001]

Hi all

I've been having issues with my husband all week (well probably longer but we've been arguing etc). I am 40 weeks pregnant, due anytime now and feeling in despair alone and shocked to be honest.

My husband has just told me he does masturbate daily sometimes 2x a day- I had absolutely no idea. I brought up that I thought he had a very low Sex drive as I brought up our lack of intimacy - he never initiates and we do it extremely seldom so I said is it because you have a very low sex drive to which that was his response. I have been hurt lately because I have initiated it a few times and there is always an excuse. I suppose he was honest about the masturbastion but I just broke down when I heard this as I had no idea he did it (I expected him to do it but not so much). He said he does it but just thinks about me and when we first got married, no images / no porn etc. Don't think I believe that to be honest.

Also that he basically doesn't feel intimate with me because we don't share the same interests / have intellectual conversations anymore so he feels a lack of intimacy - it's been quite a lot to take in. He seldom shows me affection and is a very matter of fact person. On the evening of my due date he told me yes he prioritizes his work over everything else in that evening.

Feeling extremely hurt by all this at a time when I am feeling vulnerable and baby can come anytime now. He's not a nasty person and i know I'm just telling you the negative pointers here It's hard to know who to turn too whether I am overreacting due to the hormones.

I feel ready and I was planning a vaginal birth - I just don't know if I have the resilience to do it now. I keep breaking down and the last week has been awful with all the fighting. He was meant to be my birth partner. It's our first baby together. I now really want to do an elective c section as I just feel I cannot handle all of this. Is this even possible at 40 + 3?

I know I might get some husband bashing here which i dont really want but I just don't know how to digest it all. I would love to have some wisdom from you on this.

Thank you

I’m sorry for what your are going through with your husband. But to be practical, don’t chose a Cs unless you have to have one, as you will need a lot more care and support afterwards . And it doesn’t sound like you will get it from him.

Do you have a friend or family member who could be your birth partner ? Many women prefer someone who has had a baby herself as she knows what to expect.

And who can support you after the birth, when you and baby come home ?

I know you feel you have bigger issues in your marriage and mo you are not overeating - I would be devastated too.

But when you are 40 weeks pregnant you don’t have the time or energy to deal with anything except the impending birth and baby. Your health (mental and physical ) and baby’s health need to be your top priority.

There is a lot to unpack there and no I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel that way.

You can of course ask for a section, but you will need a lot of support for the recovery. Dh literally had to dress me/ do my shoes etc. You'd need to be asking now so they have a chance to get a date booked in and you'd need to line up your support..dh went back to work 2 weeks after my section and my mum came to stay a few days after and in between I pulled my stitches trying to lift ds and the car seat into my midwife appointment. It's very very easy to over do it and it will slow recovery.

In terms of how often he masturbates- that's not an issue in itself- everyone can do what they want in that regard. The issue is your level of connection as a couple. Pregnancy was really tough on us and we're still not back to the level of intimacy we were at pre Pregnancy with lack of sleep and busyness etc. So you do need to both make conscious effort to connect in other ways.

The question really is if he wants to step up and rebuild that and if now is a realistic time to be able to do that. I think you need to go back to him with a clearer head when you've had time to digest this and talk about what both of your expectations are for when baby arrives, how you will prioritise time/affection/ connection as a couple (and he needs to know and accept that the early months are called being in the trenches for good reason. Everything else takes a back seat and it's intense).

I think you also need to let him know clearly how his words have impacted on you, how they've made you feel, how much you need him to step up and support you and what exactly that looks like.

I'd be thinking about your support network, do you have a mum or sister or friend who could come stay for a few days if you need them or could you stay there?

Having a baby I honestly think is the biggest change a relationship can go through, it affects everything and can be really daunting so it could be that he's scared and pulling away but I still think he's been a bit cruel and unfeeling especially given how heavily pregnant you are.

I'm sorry for everything you're going through, but a CS will not help matters. At all. It's major surgery and you would need loads of support after. A CS is not a solution.

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback, it means a lot. I don't know who to turn to at the moment. I could ask my mum maybe to come up early to provide some support. but it would feel awkward her here with him too, I don't think I can go into all this with my mum to explain the situation. My sister leads quite a busy life and I don't know if she would have the energy or inclination.

I just feel so depleted by all of this and so not ready for the baby / giving birth now I fear the birth will be so much worse because I feel I have no endorphines right now as I am so teary and have been the last few days with all this going on. I have heard you need the endorphines to help the labour progress so fear it will lead to interventions anyway which can be slow recovery?

OP keep your chin up. You are going to be just fine! Vaginal birth is ideal if no complications, vast majority of births go this way. I think a birth partner can be overrated, when you're in labor the closer you get to giving birth the more internal your thoughts go, at least for me I sometimes felt like I wasn't even present as I was so focused inward. A partner can be nice to distract you leading up to things but make no mistake when the baby is coming, you will be in charge and you have all the power you need. I don't mean to sound silly, I'm not a woo person but I happened to attend a very crunchy childbirth class and some of what they said really resonated with me, our bodies know what to do. I was induced due to high risk pregnancy, so I had ALL the interventions, even the epidural in the end, and labor progressed just fine. The worst part was the bed in the labor room, it was so uncomfortable it made me cry so I think my biggest piece of advice is bring your own pillow! If you don't think you'll feel supported by him during the birth you CAN handle it on your own. I would set aside all the other concerns for after, you're in a very vulnerable state right now. Right now focus on what practical support you think you'll need following, people will be delighted to help, so don't be shy to ask. If he doesn't step up then in every sense of the word it is his loss.
Don't dwell on what the birth might be like, end game is your sweet baby finally in your arms. You've got this!

Everyone is different when it comes to recovery from major surgery.
I had 2 c sections and I recovered both quickly and well. Even when in hospital I was managing all my own personal cares as well as managing baby.
After my second section I also had my 2 year old to look after which I managed easily enough.
Down side is that you're not allowed to drive for 4 weeks which really handicapped me.
My surgery was performed under local anaesthetic so I was able to take my babies into my arms as soon as they were born.
Like I say, everyone's recovery will be different & some women have a tough time. Personally, I would recommend it.