How do you actually leave a long term relationship?

[G33g]

I’ve been really unhappy with my dp for a while now. He knows im not happy and hasn’t done anything to try and turn things around. We have 3 dcs and absolutely everything is down to me. He doesn’t help me with anything what so ever. Literally all he does is pay the bills. He doesn’t even empty a bin. Just rocks in at 7/8pm and eats his dinner then falls asleep. Anyway. How do I even start that conversation. He will be so so petty and nasty I’m not sure I’m ready for how difficult he is going to make it. I’m also absolutely heartbroken that it hasn’t worked out after almost 10 years together. How do you just cut ties with someone like that. It’s going to be so messy. Luckily we’re not married and don’t own the house we live in so he is moving out no question.

I think discuss it with him as he may have no idea. Don’t jump directly to divorce. Relationships do go through crises.

The first step is to talk about it.

From there, well, it's different for everyone. You work it out as you go along.

We have before and it’s not gone very well at all. He’ll just get angry and say I’m being ridiculous or something along those lines. He’s threatened to take the kids with him, he can be so horrible and childish and I’m dreading it.

Hmm couple therapy maybe?

Whose name is on the rental?

When does the contract renew?

Can you afford it on your own?

Yes I can afford it on my own, it’s owned by a family member and we pay the rent to them

@Rania78 i have thought about that but I’m just not sure I actually love him enough anymore

Hmmm maybe you don’t think you love him because you are angry with him? If you discuss in a safe environment maybe you will let resentment go and love him again.

I’m not minimizing his nasty/childish behavior, but is he working long shifts? Getting home between 7 & 8 sounds like a long day. Is he so exhausted that he can’t face having a conversation? Just wondering whether a lack of work/life balance is affecting his mood.

My DH once worked those hours and he was much happier when he changed jobs.

'It's over'
'Don't be ridiculous you #!!* '
'It is. I don't love you any more, and I don't want to live with you any more.'
'I'll take the kids.'
'#insert reason he can't take kids (work for example depending on their ages). However, once you've calmed down, we can talk about contact arrangements. I can give you till x to find a new place.'
'You can't do this to me.'
'Yes. Yes I can. And I am.'

@HamBone Yes he does work long hours sometimes, but other times it’s because he’s gone and done whatever he fancies after work instead of coming home to his family

OK, that’s different. You definitely need to sit down and talk. He can’t dump all the childcare on you and you need to find out why he’s avoiding coming home. It doesn’t sound like either of you are currently happy. 💐

Amd three children put a lot of strain on a relationship. How were things before having children?
i don’t know the background but doesn’t seem he is a bad man. He is not happy either, but doesn’t strike to me like a relationship that cannot be saved

Really @Rania78? Really? A man who the op has described as petty and nasty. A man who knows his wife is unhappy and couldn't care less? A man who contributes nothing round the house? A man who the op doesn't like at all? Flip it - why on earth would you stay with him? What's in it for the op or their kids?

@Rania78 things were lovely. We just had loads of fun all the time. When the first 2 were born he wasn’t too bad. Would cook dinner and clean up. Do the food shop. Run the hoover round every now and then. But then dc3 was born, he got a new job and started earning more money. The more money he earned the less he did indoors and here we are now he doesn’t lift a finger. @arethereanyleftatall exactly, absolutely nothing will change for me if he’s not here but the kids will probably be a bit upset. They never see him during the week anyway so I’m not sure they will really notice too much

Don’t know. I am not in the relationship. Just wonder whether they should sit down and discuss calmly. He seems to think he controbutes enough. Let him talk. Let her say what she thinks he doesn’t do.

You get your house in order and you go.

You get a solid brass pair of em and crack on.