Hi, I’m in the acute stages of a break-up (yesterday) and I thought I’d reach out to ask advice around it.
I am the one who ended it. This is the fourth time in three years I’ve felt compelled to end it, always for the same reason. In summary, our attachments styles were incompatible (his - textbook avoidant, me more towards the anxious side) and whilst we love each other (each in our style, me more overtly), I kept getting hurt and felt rejected a lot of the time, didn’t feel that the relationship was progressing as I would have liked, he wasn’t comfortable with emotional intimacy etc. It just didn’t feel that good for me a lot of the time. I have good insight into attachment theory and psychology overall and have done some therapy, so tried to be patient, understanding and tolerant, however in the end I decided I can’t stay in something which feels this way. He claims he was happy and is taken aback by my decision. We have talked many times on this topic so I don’t think he can be that surprised.
But…. it hurts. So I guess I’m asking for any tips on processing the break up and moving on when you still love the other person, miss them and the good times (there were many, and we saw each other most days), but ultimately you know this is for the “greater good” and your long term wellbeing. That we would never be able to meet each others’ needs, we tried so hard to no avail and so I MUST move on. Any tips on how to manage this acute stage and the war in my head (“what have I done, I miss him, should we reconcile” vs “I need to do this for me, it’s the right thing”).