Still resentful and disappointed

[Yesitprobablyisme]

Back story: Moved to dh's home country 14 years ago. Kids were toddlers. I only had older aunts/uncles, no cousins but I did have a good network of friends with tots too.
Dh has 2 sisters, one had kids similar ages to ours. He also had a child from previous relationship.
We moved near his family, mainly because I wanted my kids to have their aunts, cousins, brother around.
It never happened. I had birthday/Xmas parties at ours for years. Reciprocated only a few times.
It took me a long time to realise I was the one keeping in touch with Dh's family. He never bothered otherwise. I stopped hosting a few years ago due to health issues and because I was fed up always doing the hosting. I literally have not seen his sisters for years, bearing in mind we live 30mins apart.
My dd came home the other day and said she had met her aunt in town, apparently aunt had said hi, nothing else, just hi. Two years and all her neice got was a hi.
I realised I am still so angry, resentful and disappointed at moving here. I struggled for years here. Dh worked away a lot, I didn't speak the language and the family I had moved to were nowhere in sight.
I don't know how to get past the disappointment and hurt I feel. I know it's been years but I still feel so gutted. Dh doesn't seem to mind in the slightest. Im just sad really, for my kids, even though they don't seem too bothered by their distant family dynamics.
I think I just needed a whine really.😕

But you made the choice to do that, surely you were not forced to?

Did your h give you the impression that his family would want to be involved with yours or did you assume that being nearby would fix things ?

Do the rest of the family see each other without your family there or are they distant with each other too?

@stylishnot No I wasn't forced, just hopeful that dh would want to spend time with his whole family.
@BoohooWoohoo Dh didn't give the impression that his family would or wouldn't want to be involved. The fact that we had discussed moving to his country, to be nearer his family led me to believe that we would in fact be involved with them.

I think you need to let this feeling go.
Your DH might have thought his family will be more involved so there was no way he’ll know this is how it’ll all turn out.
If you had stayed back as well, it does not mean that the friends you had back then will still have stuck around. You’re in the country and have been for 14 years, you could have built a new network of friends if you want to and it’s not too late to start now really.

An example is DH and I have no family here. We used to talk about moving to the country where his family are so that our children can grow up close to their cousins and also get childcare help from Fil and MIL (the visa issue has been our only hindrance)
We went for bil’s wedding last year and stayed there for 3 weeks. We rented an Airbnb as everyone had a reason why their house was not suitable, in that time, we thought pil’s will watch the kids so we can at least go for a night out but they were just not up to it.
in the 3 weeks, we mainly saw them at the wedding activities and everyone was just busy with their own lives. It made us realise that we’re not missing out on anything and will never move there as now appreciate the circle of friends we have here.
The cousins speak every week on Skype so we’ll settle for that.
Now, going to that wedding was an eye opener, if we hadn’t done that, we would still have thought moving there will be a good idea and that’s why I feel it won’t make sense to resent your dh here.

@Tohaveandtohold I really regret not doing a trial run. You probably dodged a bullet with those 3 weeks of insight. The kids are good here, they probably are better off here than if we had stayed.
I don't blame dh, though I think he could have tried harder instead of just assuming I would do the get togethers.
I have moved on, but the aunt & dd thing just brought it all back up.

But your dcs and your dh aren't bothered, so the best thing to do is start planning the NEXT part of your life. Where will it be, how will you improve it, will it mean going home, renewing old friendships.

That's a much more cheerful and optimistic thought. 😊

I totally get why you'd feel a bit cheated.

It's an enormous step moving to a country where you don't know anyone in your own right there and don't speak the language.

You did this because you wanted certain things for your children. Things which seemed possible, even likely. None of it has transpired.

Meanwhile, you left your friends with their children behind. In the end, you could have had with them what you hoped to have with DH's family and never got. It does seem a real shame.

So what have you got in return for your troubles? Well, if you think your kids are better off there than if you had stayed, that's a consolation, but now they are growing up, what about you?

I get what you mean, because once I was living in a place I would not have chosen. A place my partner was happier in than I am. He didn't come from there even. I am the sociable more extroverted one. We got together quickly and moved. Stupid really. Anyway, I found that he liked to spend all day and night on his computer. No concession made that I had left everything behind and was now living rurally. I felt cheated. It seemed to me that if he wanted to spend so much time on his computer, he could have done that in central London for all the difference it would have made! But it made such a difference to me. So I get it.

As previous pps say though, what you need to do now is carve out a life for yourself now and be more selfish.

Do you speak the language now? Have you made friends in your own right? I am guessing your kids are settled there and don't plan to leave? What are your DH's feelings? Is he supportive of you?

My kids don't have extended family in their lives. They are young adult/teen and don't feel like that they've lost out. I come from a family where the grandparents weren't in my life too. It's better this way than the kids experiencing bad toxic situations like some kids witness.

I felt really sad reading this. Your in-laws have missed out on having someone like you, who values family and organises get togethers, in their lives. More fool them!

Good idea, OP. I sympathise with your disappointment and hurt, after you’d made the effort of moving so DC could be among their family.

But as PP said, now it’s time to look at the future you want for yourself and DC. Best of luck with it all.

I agree about the moving on and we have. Just the incident with dd and her aunt brought up all the feelings of resentment and disappointment I obviously still feel. I know a lot if people don't have extended family in their lives and some who do wish they didn't though 🤔
I'm sure my dc are less bothered by it as they don't really remember not being here. It's mostly me. The family I did have ,though older (and gone now) adored my kids and we saw them regularly. My friends with young kids were all very close. I feel I made a terrible mistake in leaving all that for what amounted to nothing. We never managed to replicate even a fraction of what we left.
Yes, what is done ,is done and we are where we are, just having a moment really😞

I think it is very sad. I guess you need to find a way to get closure on this chapter in your life in order to find happiness going forward.

I missed out on extended family because of a family feud, so I think I can understand a little.

I feel for you OP, that does sound disappointing and you’re only human so the encounter with the aunt brought it up again. All you can do though is put it aside and get back to today, and today’s choices. Regret is so futile.