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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

We're back ... Why am I not more excited?

12 replies

justkidney · 19/10/2023 13:02

Partner and I split after two years.
He got very sick and I ended up looking after him even though I have my own young children and a full time job. He became depressed and lay in bed half the day. Then he got moody and grumpy and refused therapy or help.
I couldn't cope anymore so I finished the relationship

A year on, we reconnected. He is s back At work in management, living independently, had had a year of therapy and seems like the man I met three years ago.

We've decided to give it another go and are enjoying the time together. My free time is limited as I have my kids all the time and I don't want them hugely involved although they are delighted that we are together again. I'm happy with seeing each other once per week to start.

He is also really happy we're together again but I'm wondering why I'm not jumping around with excitement and anticipation at the thought of seeing him every time.
I was terribly sad and lonely when we broke up but got used to my own company and freedom so to speak.

My children are my absolute priority in both attention and time so there is no room for movement there. He is perfectly ok with this.
Perhaps I'm worried or will fall apart again. I can't put my finger on it ....

OP posts:
justkidney · 19/10/2023 13:27

Any opinions welcome thanks !!! Shameless bump also...

OP posts:
PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 19/10/2023 14:08

Maybe the memory of how he behaved when you were together previously still lingers? Must have been stressful for you at the time, him being moody and you having so much on your plate. Things like that leave an impression.

Out of interest, how did he handle it when you ended the relationship?

DatingDinosaur · 19/10/2023 17:23

I agree. His past behaviour has tarnished your "now". You might also be wondering if history would repeat itself if he was to become ill in the future and if he has he learned and grown from that experience.

monkina · 19/10/2023 19:10

why and how did you reconnect?

JamTomorrowandToday · 19/10/2023 19:15

Maybe you’re in a more self-reflective “inner” phase? Maybe his presence is less attractive, and more distracting as a result?. Maybe you once thought the world of him, and now having spent more time in your own company have more perspective? Maybe some of the fantasy of another person has dropped off to be faced by the sheer reality?

HowAmYa · 19/10/2023 19:17

Maybe you're just not that into him any more.

I'm of the belief that once that feeling goes it never comes back. Once you're 'over them' so to speak.

If your broke it off with him now would you be gutted? Miss him? Cry? If no then it's clear its just not for you

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 21:19

It’s totally understandable
he wasn’t a great partner towards the end
and your subconscious is waiting for him to mess up again

when it’s broken it’s not always fixable

Alphyn · 20/10/2023 10:05

Is he going above and beyond to make up for his behaviour in the lead up to the split? I suspect that so much damage was done that simply returning to what things were like in the early days of dating is just not enough - like sticking a plaster over a wound that hasn’t healed. You sound like you got to a good place eventually so unless he adds a lot to your life now, it’s all a bit meh.

ThelmaBorden · 20/10/2023 10:42

because sub condciously you know this is an interim convenient arrangement for him, he is not required to do any courting or make a special effort - soon as he meets someone new at work he will slide away and your cynicism will deepen

justkidney · 20/10/2023 13:15

He is doing everything he can to make up for his behaviour towards the end.
I believe that he believes he will be a better partner and less selfish. I shall have to see. Words are no good to me and I'm not interested in them
Tbh.
I love him. I fancy him like mad. I really like him. He is a good guy who's gone through Some terrible stuff and finally owned that stuff and put in the hard work in. I don't doubt his intentions but it remains to t see how ye behaves in similar incidences in the future .

OP posts:
BMW6 · 20/10/2023 16:35

I'd say you're understandably wary of risking heartache again, given his previous behaviour.

Just take it steady - no harm in being cautious.

pizzaHeart · 20/10/2023 16:40

I agree that it’s you being cautious. You grew up in a way and became more sceptical ( more realistic like in my book). I doubt you’ll feel towards anyone as before.

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