Partners horrible ex and my anxiety

[Banana1979]

I’m really sorry to be messaging this just wanted some advice. My current partner is constantly on the phone to me crying and upset because his ex-wife keeps changing contact days, Cancels them, their son does stay on average two days a week with him , but sometimes it’s none depending if she cancels. She also tells the CMS that he doesn’t stay with him at all. He is very upset and I am getting quite upset because I feel helpless, and also because I have my own child to look after, ( we live separately) and I don’t know what to suggest to him other than getting a child contact order in court or whatever it’s called. The whole situation is starting to make me feel very shaky and anxious. Today she turned up at his house and was screaming at him through the window as she thought he had forgotten his son school uniform. This is the first time she has done this according to him
again, I have told him he needs to go through the correct channels and get an order in place which details child contact between them I said there’s a year ago but still nothing has been done
He is my partner so obviously I have to support him but at the same time I can’t really deal with this stress anymore . I didn’t eat this morning because of it.I suffer from depression and anxiety. I don’t know what else to suggest to him .
any advice would be appreciated

Honestly, he’s your problem, not her. You don’t live together, you have your own child and your own issues. Why is he burdening you with this? You’re right. He needs to engage a lawyer and go back to court. You can’t help him.

But you can't solve his problems for him. He has to do it. So if his ex is messing with contact time, he needs to contact a solicitor or seek a more formal contact order. If CMS are being told he's not having the children in the times he is supposed to, he needs to go through whatever channels CMS has to prove that in fact he IS having the children x number of days.

Whining and complaining to you but not actually doing anything to solve the problem is not helping anyone.

I have said to DH and his family before, "I have told you what I advise, you don't have to take that advice, but continuing to ask me is not going to change my opinion."

Thank you, I’m still feeling pretty anxious and shitty about the whole thing
I want to support him, but it is making me ill this whole situation. I feel helpless in it because there isn’t anything I can do, and I just don’t want to give him the wrong advice. Anxiety stops me from eating and I still haven’t managed to have breakfast.

Step back. Focus on you and your child. You do not have to take this on.
It is impacting your mental health and therefore your child.
So choose your child. Step away. Suport from afar. Suggest he seeks professional help and sdvice. He is not ready for a relationship with you.

If he is finding it hard to handle he needs to speak to 1. A therapist for his anxiety 2. A lawyer.

But you can't support him if he's not doing anything? Supporting him means being understanding when he's frustrated because the legal process is taking a long time. Or cooking a meal for him and the DC because he's late getting in from collecting them from football. It's not being a punching bag for him when he's not actually doing anything to fix things himself.

Don't make it your problem, it's for him to sort out, or not. How long after separation did he start seeing you, because he is not ready and has not even sorted out all the steps to be separate? Only date men who have an established separate life with clear DC agreements that they stick to, otherwise this is what you get.
Does he often cancel dates with you because contact has changed? Is your time together based around her timetable? Nobody wants to date in those circumstances, jumping to an ex's tune.

If it's true that she was screaming at him, then that shows how bitter their divorce has been. It also looks like neither of them are over it. Him being upset by her, and her screaming are all shows of deep emotion, as they say, there is a fine line between love and hate. A person is ready, when they have a healthy nonchalance about their ex, even negative emotional attachment, is still being entwined too much.
He was never someone you should of started dating. The best support would be to either part ways until he sorts his issues out, or permanently, otherwise he will just drag you down rather than enriching your life as he should be doing.

Going through similar, he needs to go to MIAM and if that fails court. Just because he is upset doesn't mean he is still attached to his ex, it's cruel when your children are used a pawns or blocked contact.

Problem is sometimes once you stand up and say go down the court route, things get worse and they are taken away completely.

However, this situation isn't feasible and he needs to bite the bullet. You cannot make him do it, only he can. If he cannot I suggest you distance yourself and even in the case of court, the process itself is hard and things may not get easier for a long time.

Tbh op I'd leave any relationship that was making me sick.

You're not married, his problems are not your problems. You don't live together so that hopefully makes it easier to call it a day.

Value your own mental health the most. Especially as you have a child to think of.

I was watching a YouTube thing lately about how 80% of autoimmune sufferers are women. Because they take on so much extra stress and burdens and tolerate shite for far longer than men do.

You're not his therapist, his solicitor or doctor. You're not even his wife. Get out of the relationship and choose yourself and your child.

Thank you for all of your responses, they are all saying pretty much the same thing
I have been incredibly stressed @Pinkbonbon you are right. This has been stressing me for a while , I’ve developed hives , and toilet issues recently
it was the last straw today when I couldn’t eat anything, because it caused me such anxiety
I got with him two years after they were divorced and assumed because my situation with my ex is fine that his was fine too. I’ve not been in a situation where there is so much animosity so I’m not used to this
Someone also mentioned about emotions still running deep for both of them . @Opentooffers your response is food for thought I didn’t think of it that way before. He emotionally leans on me a lot and says he does not want to lose me. I am now wondering is that because he just can’t be on his own.

More than likely.

What about you, can you be on your own?

Is he really bringing enough to the table that it's worth doing damage to your mental well being and even health for? I mean what could he ve bringing to your life that's anywhere near worth your sanity or health?

Unless he's farting golden nuggets or something xD

He isn't bothered, he just likes crying to you for attention and sympathy. If that was not the case, he would have gone through appropriate legal channels long before now.

Maybe she is horrible. But hes not much better, because he doesn't seem to care what kind of environment this is creating for his child or his girlfriend.

Life's too short to spend with soul suckers.

Sorry

Dammit.
ZOMBIE