Accepting he's with someone else

[heyimoverhere]

I posted about this a while ago, long story short a guy who was flirting with me intensely but turned out to be seeing someone who he's now settled down with. The flirtation was meaningless, basically.

We distantly know some of the same people which I can't do anything about, and I'm going to end up seeing him and his new girlfriend next month. I've also heard that they may be getting married, and I can assume children are on the cards because I know he really wanted more before he gets too old.

The thing is, I'm dreading seeing them. I hadn't thought about it much but now it's on my mind again. I think this is going to bring it all to the surface again, even though nothing happened between us, really. This should be on "non-relationships" rather than "relationships" 😅.

Even though I know on an intellectual level he is with someone else, I know I'm going to feel really sad about it. I need to get a grip on reality and accept it but some part of me hasn't and I don't know why. Somehow I need to greet her with a big smile and say "congratulations" and mean it.

Why am I not truly accepting of the reality? I shouldn't still feel sad about this but I do feel deeply sad about it. 😔

i think relationships what never were are sometimes harder to get over than ones that did happen - because we can imagine all what ifs

besides, thought of potential partner choosing someone else may sting, even if we understand this is not a negative reflection on us

all that being said - meeting them in person may actually help you to get over the whole thing

Thanks for your insight. You are right, I'm feeling sad for an ephemeral feeling of happiness that he brought me and something that was only ever potential, not real.
It probably is a negative reflection on me, though, because ultimately he chose her.
Yes, hopefully seeing them will help me accept it. I probably shouldn't have avoided him until it was unavoidable.

just because he chose her does not mean you're worse than her - they may have been more compatible, that's all! chances are that you'd grow cold on him if you'd known him better and it still wouldn't mean that either of you were lacking in any way

who was flirting with me intensely but turned out to be seeing someone

So she's got an, at best, extremely flirty, inappropriately acting partner; that's not something to envy. He's a shit partner.

And "more kids" ... How many kids does he already have with someone he's no longer with?

I wonder how the relationship with the mother of his kids broke down ... Hmm.

A bloke who's already got kids by someone is also not a good choice if you haven't also got kids .... You've having to share his resources and sub his kids, and he doesn't have to do the same with you.

Unless he's rich, it's an inferior situation to having your kids with a man who only has kids with you.

The flirtation was meaningless, basically.

It wouldn't be meaningless to his partner. If she'd been aware of it, there would probably have been a major problem in their relationship, she possibly may even have ended it.

If that's how someone's acting when you're supposed to be in the honeymoon period; before you,'ve even hit the hard stuff (screaming, sleep depriving etc babies), and the early-ish lust that usually goes after a few years etc. .....how is he likely to act during the latter.

It's notable (in the unlikely circumstances that he's a widower) that's he's already had a failed relationship/partnership with the mother of his child/ren.

Then when he's involved with a woman whom he apparently sees as settling/partner material, he's flirting heavily with another woman.

I think you should thank your lucky stars he only flirted with you, and it isn't you who's with him, but doesn't have a clue about his behaviour to other women while with him.

If he has kids whose original family has broken down, he'd also be better to concentrate his attention, efforts and resources on them; instead of focusing on bringing more into the world. I wonder how they feel about that.

He sounds low quality.

It's very easy to let looks, charm, good communication skills/interpersonal skills, a good job etc blind you to someone's actual character and significant shortcomings.

It sounds like he's acted quite shittily towards you .... It's him who should be ashamed of his behaviour and uncomfortable in company with you. He's "lucky" you're not the type to have contacted his partner and shared all his messages when you found out he wasn't single.

He was single, sorry, they weren't official at that point.

a guy who was flirting with me intensely but turned out to be seeing someone

Sorry, I'm totally confused by this then

They weren't exclusive, he was just dating various people through apps etc.

This is what annoys me about modern dating. This have you're cake and eat it attitude. It leaves so many people hurt.

Multi dating when I was younger was called cheating or two timing. Why are we saying its okay these days?!

I think @GilberMarkham has nailed the key points. This guy sounds like a bit of a chancer.

Also @GilberMarkham - might you by chance be a fan of Tenant of Wildfell Hall? It’s my favourite Brontë novel.

It's mine too!

I think it's such a travesty that other novels get so much attention compared to it (like Wuthering Heights, which to me is incredibly overblown, whereas in ttowh, the characterisation is very good).

Was he clear about that with you?

Yeah, it's a potential fkg mess.

And if people are shagging (often) I find women get more hurt than men - they suffer from oxytocin more, and there's always a pregnancy risk.

Op, I don't know if you have kids yet or not, but honestly; a man who already has kids is no prize.

It's one thing if the woman has kids from a previous relationship too, but another if she doesn't. I've had a serious relationship with a man with kids and the complications and disadvantages are many and varied. All the compromise and tolerance etc is on your side., not his.
Unless they're really quite wealthy, his income will be being stretched to eg four kids in two households, instead of eg two kids in one household.
Young women seem to be being cultured to think that second hand men with kids are an equal prospect to men who have not been married or in a significant partnership with kids before; they are just not.

Also, they've got a track record of not staying with or making it work with a long-term partner, with kids involved; that's not a great precedent.
I find when serious relationships with kids in the mix break down that all sorts of platitudes about it not working, and not suited etc are thrown about; but the reality is that women rarely split from men they have young kids with unless they literally cannot stand it any longer (or he leaves them). It is rarely the case that it's the woman's behaviour that is selfish, untenable etc. There are exceptions of course, but that's my observation in 90% or more of cases.

I call it the circulating trash effect. That's what a lot of those men are, and it could take a decade for them to be back in circulation due to their next partner having kid with them.

What will you be congratulating her for?

I heard they're getting married.