Ex friend / relation keeps sending messengers

[Chalkdowns]

I know they call this the flying monkeys. I just wonder how people cope?

I have a former very close friend - relative (not immediate family) who some how or other felt slighted by me years ago. She cut me off and excluded me socially within my family, even taking one of my best friends and getting very close to her.

This was years ago but I’ve seen what she can be like and I suspect she has very fragile self esteem. Possibly an undiagnosed (as far as I am aware) personality disorder. She has on and off cut off a few other family members and indeed friends over the years and had a lot of fallings out. But is also attractive and people do like her.

Although it has hugely upset me over the years, I do seem to have some pretty good survival instincts and I have kept her at a very good arms length. When I made the mistake of meeting up one to one she became very intense and wanted to go over our history. But completely exonerating herself, playing the victim and blaming everyone else including me. I refused to engage much with this and deflected the conversation. She was unsatisfied and I received a tirade of angry messages continuing in the victim mode and attacking me and my family. This really upset me and has played on my mind for months.

Over the years I have ignored close friends and family who have obviously thought that I have been in the wrong (rather than wronged) and put up with messengers telling me how wonderful she is and how I should be friends again. Quite a lot of frowns towards me about it all. I have managed that by ignoring it. Though I have really minded.

But recently a very dear to me friend who has consistently been steady and loyal rang me up recently and said she had met up again with this friend-relative and would I consider making friends again? I feel really quite got at. And I can’t believe that this other friend, let’s call her Amy, is happy about being dropped for a decade and then picked up again. She is one of the victims. I suppose she didn’t get hurt like I did or otherwise why would she be manipulated?

I guess the thing to do is ignore it all like I have done but goodness it hurts. It feels so unjust. It feels like I really don’t have the skills to cope with this person. But I am also very fond of them from early childhood and I am so sorry for the mess that they must feel inside. It’s awful to witness.

I have read about BPD and she really ticks the boxes so even if she’s not BPD the descriptors are right for her.

any good advice?

Take your own advice I think and ignore her. Slightly jarring that she went through a mutual friend, but you don't have to respond at all. Try not to let it take up headspace.

I would be honest with these people about what happened. Why suffer in silence, especially with the close and trusted friend?

I did explain - but I’ve explained before to her and others and for some reason I appear to be less convincing than my ex friend - relative. I think I sound petty and perhaps a bit cold. Whereas she is very emotional. And I guess they warm to that.

Someone with bad is very difficult to have in your as they blow hot and cold so quick .
You can only cope really if you don't take personal the crap they come out with.
If it hurt you keep a arm length if they have to in your life .
Otherwise....
How I deal with is i apologise for any wrong doing they think I have done .
And let everyone think we are freinds again .
But don't be no met up if you see them be polite but don't give them anything.
That way it takes the drama ( what they want) away ...
If anyone ask you to be her friend say you are.

Are you sure its BPD?

It doesn’t matter what the dx is. Just deal with it directly and matter if factly. “Oh flying monkey! Thanks for letting me know old friend is complaining about me again. Its sad but what can you do? This is as much of a relationship as I want. This works for me. Would you like to go to a movie/ have coffee/ etc…?”