Broken

[hidinginplainsight1]

I have been in a relationship for 7 years with a man 18 years older than me; he is in his fifties. We have a young child and there are children from previous marriage on each side.
I feel completely destroyed and broken. I have been cheated on several times, I have been emotionally abused daily, physically (only minor once and didn’t actually hit me) and I feel like I am mentally tortured some days. The last few weeks have been a little more settled, I’ve realised it’s because I am not conditioned into silence. I have learnt to never bring up any issues, never ask for help or show any upset. Otherwise, the abuse starts and I am shouted, sworn at and told I am mental.

I am devastated I am not good enough; he obviously wanted other women, he evidently isn’t going to marry me or buy a house with me. Despite me saying early on that I wanted marriage and him agreeing. So, so much has happened and it is too much to go into. However I am at a stage where I am so, so broken and drained. I don’t even sleep. If I turn over too loudly in the night, if he is in a mood with me I get told off and shouted at. I lie in bed with an aching back, too scared to move. Despite him playing computer games until 2am and waking me every night when he comes to bed and fumbling loudly for meds in the middle of the night. I used to get hassle for my alarm waking him (to get up with the kids for school). So I have no sound on my alarm, just a vibrate and pop my phone under my pillow. I worry this will wake him, so I end up waking early and unable to sleep as I am waiting for my alarm.

A few weeks ago we went to a wedding of my partners friend. I didn’t really want to go as the whole thing made me feel rubbish…seen as he wont marry me and is so horrible to me. The day after the wedding he came upto bed after me and tried to initiate sex, I said I didn’t feel like sex and did he love me? He started shouting ‘Get out of this bed, if you’re not going to have sex with me you can get out of this bed and out of my house’. I said can you please just listen to me, I just want to know if you love me and he started shouting ‘Why should I fucking tell you, I have told you in the past’. I said it shouldn’t be this hard to answer and he started shouting ‘I don’t fucking like you’ over and over. Said I was a horrible and nasty person and refused to tell me why. He said I was sneaky and disloyal (think this is because he thinks I talk to people about our relationship…not sure what he thinks but he apparently has access to my phone…I will come to that).
I got upset, I literally sat there sobbing, asking what I had done. He told me to be quiet because I was disturbing him. Then said I was mental, insecure and need to go to my GP for medication for my severe anxiety…this is because about once a year I ask if he loves me! It was horrible, I felt vulnerable and wanted reassurance but had him shouting at me whilst I sobbed. I know there is something wrong with me. Why do I love this man? I am nothing anymore. I am so lonely and hes made me hate myself.

The last few months he has really had an issue that I am disloyal, apparently because I talk about him. So I have discussed things with a family member/friend but obviously don’t tell him this. A few weeks ago he called me disloyal, I usually just ignore it but I asked him why and he said ‘don’t you forget I know what you do on your phone. I am tech savvy and I know what is on your phone’. I said ‘so you’re hacking into my phone, don’t you know it’s illegal’ and he said ‘I know exactly what I can and can’t do. I did the same to my ex wife and we went to court’…he is very tech savvy and I know he has had access to my phone as I recently discovered I have a drive where my photos go and he has deleted the ones I took of his cheating texts. So I don’t know what he can access and don’t even feel I can talk to people.

Obviously this is all awful and you should make steps to leave.

He’s a complete pig, op. Sorry, but you need to look at this objectively- as if it’s happening to someone else. What would you think of this situation if it was a friend going through it? He’s treating you abysmally. He doesn’t deserve your love. Find your anger.

What is your financial situation like? How supportive are your family and friends? You and your children deserve a much better life than this.

He sounds hideously abusive and you sound completely worn down. Do you have supportive friends or family? Anyone you can confide in and ask for help?

You're upset because he doesn't want to marry you ? I think this is probably the nicest thing he's done. You are in a horrendous abusive relationship. He doesn't need to hit you for it to be abusive. Please please please, for your own sake - get out

You sound completely worn down and exhausted. His behaviour is horribly abusive, are you looking to leave?

Oh good, the part-time doctor again! Still with him and exposing your children to an abusive home environment because you won't downsize your house?!

Beware this poster, she has had hundreds of threads with ALL possible advice and support and she won't take it. She just wants an echo chamber or tips to get him to marry her. I despair, he emotionally abuses your children for FFS!

'I am devastated I am obviously not good enough'. Hold up? Wtf?

Op think about how mad that sounds.

It's HIM that doesn't deserve you.

Abusers want us to feel 'not enough'. Like they are treating us like shit because they...Still love an ex we don't measure up to or because we just aren't good enough or because its pur fault they couldn't xyz whatever (eg: become a professional football player because they dated us) or whatever other shit.

NO ONE would ever be enough. Because they.don't.want.that. They want to make their partners feel 'not enough'. It's how they get their kicks. It's also how thry stop you from leaving. By making you feel that if you could just prove yourself (loyalty, love, trust in them, worth, goodness or whatever it is that day) that they would love you.

That won't happen because abusers don't love their partners. They just use them. For everything they can take.

Get out before YOU are totally spent.
Run.

I recognise her too

Responding to her is like pissing in the wind frankly.

Ah yes! Sorry I skim read the first time and just saw your last paragraph - Told you! He's got you on 'Prove your loyalty!' right now.

Wanna know the con? Are you sitting down?

He doesn't actually believe you are disloyal!
He just needs you to breve he does.
That way you are stuck on the merry go round of 'Prove your innocence'.

Get off the merry go round.
Stop playing his twisted game.

Leave him.

Yes, it’s the shouting, sadistic part-time doctor. @hidinginplainsight1, I was hopeful last year you’d finally had enough of this monster’s sickening abuse, which has been relentless from the earliest days.

The last I saw you, a year ago, he had grabbed and pushed you out of your 3 year old son’s room, called you a fucking bitch and fucking twat, slammed the door on you, and held it to keep you out. Your poor child was screaming, “Let Mummy in!” but the barbarian told him, “No, Mummy is horrible and rude to Daddy.” You were worried that your 12 year old son (from a previous relationship) in the next room had heard the frightening scene. Later, you were actually terrified that the pig would leave you.

The next day your little boy was sad and tearful, and kept asking for his daddy, which is a common behavior of children from emotionally and physically violent homes — they are drawn to seek reassurance from the abuser. You mentioned that he had started shouting whenever his dad shouts at you. He’s already a tormented child. And your ‘Partner’ greatly frustrates your older son by talking over him and by asking him questions but then refusing to let him answer. Both children witness him emotionally hammering and belittling you, which constitutes child abuse.

You finally seemed determined to formulate an exit plan, and thanked posters for giving you a reality check re your children. You work for the NHS and commented that if someone disclosed the above abuse, you’d have to report to safeguarding…

A year later and you’re still clinging to the twisted narcissist who takes great joy in belittling, threatening, controlling, and terrorizing you, and in turn your children. You’ve often said, “My poor children,” but then continue to sacrifice their well-being, ensuring them a troubled, damaged future.

As for your constant lament of ‘Why am I not enough,’ it’s been repeated many times: He would emotionally brutalize any and every woman. This raging misogynist despises all women. It is he who is not enough!

@hidinginplainsight1, you’ve had years of excellent advice here, have read the key books, spoken with WA, and done the Freedom Programme. I hope some day you’ll put your children first and leave this house of horrors.
.

If he knows then he will read this. - OP’s ‘partner’ you are an abuser. An atrocious cunt the world will be happy to see the back of. I hope you keel over so your young children will endure no further harm from being in your presence, your older children can breathe a sigh of relief and every woman you’ve been with celebrate.

I know you’ll pull the man hating witches card on OP, but not all men are like you are. Men hate people like you too.

Every time you look in the mirror, even the man you see there knows you’re a Cunt.

Fuck this. I had a partner who was not quite as unpleasant as this but was older and forever calling me mad and I was ground down into silence. Not a good way to live. Leave.

I hope ypu can make plans to leave so you and your DCs can stop being abused in this way. Do you have any family you could go and live with? Please get away from this monstrous man.

Absolutely. Her children don't seem to figure in her thoughts at all, it's all about how she can get him to "love" her, marry her, even throwing herself at him to try and get his commitment through sex. It's pathetic.

She will disappear now from the thread then pop up again with a new name change in a few weeks when she needs attention again.

This toxic shitshow needs a safeguarding intervention, she isn't protecting her children at all.

My heart is breaking for those poor little children.
For goodness sake - get out!

he started shouting ‘I don’t fucking like you’ over and over
Believe him OP. From what you have posted I believe him too.

Get out. Now. Contact Women's Aid for help in leaving. Contact you GP for help in leaving. It is time

Jesus, if this is true I just hope someone, somewhere intervenes and removes those poor kids.

Refusing to leave an abusive partner is your perogative, but to force your kids to put up with his behaviour is downright cruel and I have zero sympathy for you

well, he sounds like a charming prince of a man. Wowee.

No response as usual @hidinginplainsight1?? Why bother posting? Honestly why? You never listen, and it just wastes the time of people trying to help you with good
Intentions, as they think you are posting for the first time. What do you actually want from this??

He is rotten to the core and takes great joy in humiliating her, but she is compelled to self-harm by clinging to him. She willingly sacrifices her children as collateral damage in this absolute train wreck.