Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wealthy MIL asked my husband to pay off their mortgage - even though we are not rich and have a child

45 replies

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 15:19

As some background, we are a couple in our 30s with one young daughter. We don’t have a great deal of financial stability at this point in our lives with how expensive everything is and the unpredictable profits of my husband’s business. I have a reasonable salary but it’s not that high. We don’t yet own a home. Now let’s move on to my MIL… she and her husband are very successful scientists who live in one of the nicest apartments in their town in france. She has very expensive tastes in terms of clothes and restaurants and I can tell she has spent a lot on plastic surgery. They both drive BMWs. No judgment there, they have the right to spend their money exactly as they want, it’s just relevant to what I am about to tell you. She has always pleaded poverty to my husband and talked about how little money they have and until I pointed out how much money they spend he sort of blindly believed it, and felt a duty to ultimately give them a lot of money. He now admits she had been conditioning him to believe this from a young age (he is an only child btw). A year ago, when we had a five month old baby, she took my husband aside while we were staying with them and asked him to contribute 70 thousand euros to their remaining unpaid mortgage, again pleading poverty. My husband wanted to do it. I almost had an emotional breakdown. I also was working in a job I hated at the time, so essentially I would have been funding this. But he didn’t see it this way - it was the first profitable year in his business’s history, and he considered it his right to give them the vast majority of the profit. Fast forward a year, he didn’t do it, he is now on the same page as me and he thinks it was very morally wrong of her to do this and also to condition him in this way, and he has promised me multiple times he would never go behind my back and give them money out of his business - this became my fear after this event. We are now going through a lull and struggling more financially so there is no risk of that now, but despite his reassurances part of me does still fear he might try and do it in the future should we come into more affluent times. I have to live with this trust issue and am trying to work through it, but I just can’t believe he wanted to put her ahead of his baby in this way. We were so far from wealthy when this happened. Is this normal for a mother to behave this way? What do you think about the whole situation? The other side of this which is less important is my relationship with my MIL. She’s been trying to be really nice since this happened and she was rebuffed, but I can’t help but think no matter how nice she is she is a snake who is quite happy to take away from her own grandchild just to have a more lavish lifestyle. I don’t think I'll ever be able to stand the sight of her again.

OP posts:
JustAMinutePleass · 18/10/2023 16:39

He’s the only child. My guess is she believes he’ll eventually get back any money he spends on her.

TravelInHope · 18/10/2023 16:48

Walnuthhwip · 18/10/2023 15:24

Your title should be
‘i can’t trust my husband with our money or to prioritise me and our baby’

this isn’t mils fault. She shouldnt have asked, but your husband could’ve just said ‘no’ or ‘of course not’ and the conversation would’ve been over.
Let’s not blame women for everything.
the issue is learning to trust your DHs judgement here, which clearly you can’t because it’s so poor.

Yes, definitely the man’s fault. Totally, 100%.

(Do I need to read the post, btw?)

pizzaHeart · 18/10/2023 16:52

I also suspect that there is cultural element in this, it usually is.

UnevenBalance · 18/10/2023 16:54

pizzaHeart · 18/10/2023 16:52

I also suspect that there is cultural element in this, it usually is.

I’m French.
There is ABSOLUTELY NO cultural element to it.

JadeSeahorse · 18/10/2023 16:59

Dweetfidilove · 18/10/2023 16:35

Oooops. I read they have an apartment in France, not that they are French.

My bad for wondering if they may be of a different culture/heritage, where this kind of thing is the ‘norm’ 🫢.

Dweetfidilove I must admit my thoughts were exactly the same as yours as I know this sort of expectation is very common with some South Asian families.

UnevenBalance · 18/10/2023 16:59

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 16:33

Hi all, they are both still working and get quite handsome salaries as heads of their department. She is always saying how it all gets taken away in taxes. She used to compare her own salary to mine to my husband, and even though she was earning over twice as much as me used to say i's the same because of taxes. I guess this was all her building up to asking for money

The ‘oh it all disappears in taxes’ is a very French thing to say.
Youll hear it again and again, prob more from people who are leaning to the right politically.

WhichEllie · 18/10/2023 17:00

UnevenBalance · 18/10/2023 16:54

I’m French.
There is ABSOLUTELY NO cultural element to it.

That’s not what people are asking. They are asking if the parents are from a culture where this may be considered the norm (such as SE Asian). The parents living in France doesn’t mean they are French, especially considering they are both academics.

applesandmares · 18/10/2023 17:01

I'm not really understanding the issue you have with your husband. He was asked to contribute, wanted to, but discussed with you and agreed not to. He's now on the same page as you.

As for your concern about him contributing should his business take off, what would be the issue with this? I think it's quite normal to want to treat your parents if you come into an awful lot of money! Not if it means your family struggles of course, but if you have a lot of extra money.

Your MIL sounds like a piece of work though in terms of pressuring him. Maybe he exaggerated how well the business was doing as he was excited at turning a profit for the first time?

rookiemere · 18/10/2023 17:02

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 16:33

Hi all, they are both still working and get quite handsome salaries as heads of their department. She is always saying how it all gets taken away in taxes. She used to compare her own salary to mine to my husband, and even though she was earning over twice as much as me used to say i's the same because of taxes. I guess this was all her building up to asking for money

You missed your chance there.
I'd not let that one past. I would do the Maths in front of her. "So MIL you earn £70k and pay 50% tax that means you must take home around £3k per month. I earn £36k and take home 2/3 so that means £2k a month. So you see your take home is a lot more than me despite the taxes. <Head tilt> does that make sense MIL ?

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 17:03

The cultural aspect is of interest, and she is actually Russian. My understanding from other Russians is that expecting this of your sons is not normal. Though if others have experienced differently please let me know

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 18/10/2023 17:03

UnevenBalance · 18/10/2023 16:54

I’m French.
There is ABSOLUTELY NO cultural element to it.

I don’t think OP said what country they are from, apologies if I missed it.

Thedm · 18/10/2023 17:04

So, she raised him to believe he’d be expected to give them money, she waited until a very emotional time for him with a new baby before she asked and he had a wobble about feeling he should do it, but ultimately he didn’t because he saw the right way to handle it and realised that his money (and your money) is for your family and his parents have plenty.

Why don’t you trust him? His parents raised him like that, he had a little struggle but he came through on your side. Can’t you reward that with your trust now?

Mortimermay · 18/10/2023 17:11

My MIL is exactly the same. Her sons have been brought up to believe that they should look after her entirely and cover absolutely anything she wants to spend money on. This includes payments for household bills, to flight tickets, to meals out. She is very clear that she believes it is her right as their mother that they should pay for everything. It's not expected of her daughter though - she should also have everything paid for her.
One of her sons does actually cover all of her household bills and a few extras. The irony is that she is pretty well off. Her house is paid off, her son covers all of her bills and subscriptions along with a few other things, she still works and she has money inherited when her husband passed away. She is in a far better financial situation than myself and my dh, who she constantly hints should be giving her money. Every telephone call revolves around her pleading poverty and reminding him that his brother is already paying for x,y,z for her. She actually hasn't spoken to him for several weeks after she caught him on a particularly bad day and he was very clear that she has more money than we do.
It sounds as though your husband has done well to refuse her. I would keep the discussions going with him and make sure you both remain on the same page.

pizzaHeart · 18/10/2023 17:16

Of course it’s wrong attitude. She probably doesn’t think that he is a separate household, after all he is the only child and after their deaths everything will belong to him. It’s their thinking. But your main problem is your DH.
By the way apart from being Russian other factors might be at a play e.g religion. It’s even a bigger one.

MeWave · 18/10/2023 17:58

I think it’s a basic kind of narcissism combined with “old style” attitude of family. Sounds like she’s exploiting both royally, even though the conditions are very changed in modern society.The sense of entitlement and power is an element for them too - even if the waif strategy is activated in some area to attain this in old age (even when they’re £££ loaded and you’re broke!)

As another poster said, keep on the same page as your husband. And keep your distance, as much as you can. Enforce big, firm boundaries. Finances it should go without saying - keep them completely separate.

Inkpotlover · 18/10/2023 18:10

I don't think the issue here is trusting your DH. You CAN trust him because he didn't give them the money after you asked him not to. What I think is really bothering you is the fact she had the bloody cheek to ask in the first place and the fact you know she'll do it again at some point and you quite rightly resent her for the tension she's caused in your marriage and in your life while she's still swanning around in her BMW. Frankly I would loathe her if I were you.

tara66 · 18/10/2023 18:16

You don't say where you are but your DH would have to watch possible tax on gifts that might need to be paid in some countries if he gave money away and also (in France anyway I believe) some care costs for elderly parents are born by their children if parents cannot afford them. So there is more than one reason why you mil needs to reduce spending. Perhaps they can sell property and downsize?

blacksax · 18/10/2023 18:24

There are only two words that I can think of that would be any use if I found myself in this situation. The second one being 'off'.

Dweetfidilove · 18/10/2023 19:29

JadeSeahorse · 18/10/2023 16:59

Dweetfidilove I must admit my thoughts were exactly the same as yours as I know this sort of expectation is very common with some South Asian families.

That’s what I was thinking. Sounds Asian or African.

Turns out she’s neither, just a chancer. Unless it’s also a Russian thing 😂😂.

mumofgirls35 · 19/10/2023 13:20

Last night DH was watching a youtube video about healthy marriages (which was nice to see) and I took that opportunity to sit with him and watch it too, and afterwards we agreed ours seemed pretty healthy, but I added that the only reason I could ever see us getting divorced is if he allows his mother to overstep the mark. He went kind of quiet after that. Hope that has further established in his mind the situation with regards to ever trying to go behind my back and give MIL money.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page