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Original poster

Would a MiL cover for her son?

46 replies

Fenetre · 18/10/2023 13:20

How likely is it that a mother would cover for her married son seeing another woman? I couldn't ever imagine doing it but I'm wondering now if my own MiL has been doing that. Her and I used to get on fine and I've been married to her son for years so I can't imagine her doing it to me. I know her allegiance would be towards her son before me though.
To cut a very long story short, I find out three years ago he had been seeing someone. I never found out who it was. It wasn't anyone I would know or so I was told. It was all very cagey and closed-off and was complicated by me finding out during lockdown so I think it gave him the chance to say it had already ended. But I don't think it had ended. Lockdown had happened is all.
DH was all over the place for a while after I confronted him but he put the work in to fix our marriage. When the dust settled things seemed fine with MiL for a while. For the past few months MiL has started being off with me, having digs at me for absolutely no reason. Passive aggressive stuff. Nothing had changed as far as I knew. DH visits her every day. I've been wondering if someone else visits at the same time. Is that crazy?

OP posts:

Motnight · 18/10/2023 16:57

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2023 16:02

He visits dear old mum everyday, does he?

What an amazing son he is!

Original poster

Fenetre · 18/10/2023 16:58

Sorry to those who have been treated so badly by their in-laws.

No, I never thought of her as a bitch for many years although she did somewhat ignore me on our wedding day but I put that down to her being out of her comfort zone. She was never bitchy to my face anyway. I heard her bitch about other women though.

I suppose it's possible he did lie to her about me being horrible at the time he was cheating. When it came out, his sister immediately gave me advise about how we could re-mortgage the house to split. I thought that was premature like she had already considered it.

OP posts:

Frasers · 18/10/2023 17:01

Yes sometimes they will cover, but she’d likely be nicer to you out of guilt. You’re asking the wrong question . The question is what’s he telling her about your marriage that’s making her treat you like that,

the second question is why if you think your husband is having a long term affair are you not addressing it and instead focusing on if your mil is covering.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 18/10/2023 17:04

My mil did in fact he was cheating with her best friend!
Hope you enjoy your 20 year older than me miserable old girlfriend 🤣.
Honestly I got loads of abuse from mil saying my children were being unreasonable not wanting anything to do with their new stepmom 🤔.
They are of age where they make their own choices and they said they already have a loving grandmother and an horrible grandmother why would they want another 🤣.

Princessbananahamock · 18/10/2023 17:17

Yes totally and I may add so would his entire family.

HelpMeGetThrough · 18/10/2023 17:31

I did ask him many questions and it was often 'I don't know' or 'I can't remember'.

The answer to that should have been "well start remembering rapidly, or you can consider the marriage immediately over."

Stealthtax · 18/10/2023 17:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

InchResting · 18/10/2023 17:36

No way would I cover for my son. I'd be reading him the Riot Act.

sockarefootwear · 18/10/2023 17:59

Ahwhatthehell · 18/10/2023 14:13

To be honest, it sounds like IF he is visiting just his mum everyday and the affair with the OW is finished now, that he’s putting you down/bitching about you to his mum who now sees you as the source of your marital problems.

That is IF the affair is over. Either way, as they say, you have a major DH problem.

I agree with this. My brother cheated on his wife on more than one occasion and every time he was found out he promised his wife it would never happen again/told her he was sorry etc. But he gave our parents (who definitely didn't approve) a sob story about how unhappy he was and that he had been driven to cheat because his wife was so terrible. His act was that he was trying to be a good father/husband and make things work but his wife was unreasonable so he 'had his head turned' by women who treated him better. For a while they believed it because it was easier to deal with than the idea of their wonderful son just being a cheating arsehole liar.

Mourningbecomeselectra · 18/10/2023 18:08

RomilyH · 18/10/2023 15:52

@Fenetre

Really sorry to read this, but, YES some MIL’s will cover for their son(s)….mine did for a long time. My ex would take OW to MIL house all the time. The absolute worst thing she did was to go on holiday to the Caribbean with him AND OW.

I found out months later when he left all 3 boarding passes in a wallet with money he asked me to exchange at the bureau where I worked. I can’t repeat on here what I said to her, suffice to say I have never spoken another word to her. He was thrown out immediately. I then dug and found out his friends knew and some of our mutual friends knew….they had to go as well.

Fenetre just go with your gut feeling. When people show you who they really are - believe them the first time. Take care

So this woman a) had an affair with your DH b) agreed to go on holiday with her affair partner AND HIS MOTHER??

That’s mindblowing. Who would do that (and what sort of man takes his mum when he’s away to shag his mistress?)

So sorry you went through that.

anonimoxyz · 18/10/2023 18:22

My ex MIL would have done/ said anything for her son. He no longer speaks to her and she expects me to facilitate her relationship with the kids. Just a cautionary tale for anyone who's thinking they'd cover for their son no matter what

flotsomandjetsome · 18/10/2023 18:48

BIL had an affair for years. I don't know if you'd call it 'covering' for him, but MIL had known all along. Wider family including DH had no idea until SIL finally left him and told us.

MIL is literally carrying on as if nothing has happened, and BIL is still golden child.

RomilyH · 18/10/2023 18:48

@Mourningbecomeselectra

Thanks @Mourningbecomeselectra

He went away once a year with my ex-MIL as they had properties & land in the Caribbean to take care of……..so the ‘fairy story’ this year was….he and MIL were at the airport and the mistress ‘just turned up’. He went on that yes he had told her when he was going but she was never part of his travel plans…..OH and although they travelled together the mistress stayed with her family.

After I turned detective came to find out she has no family whatsoever on that island SURPRISE SURPRISE

I ‘grieved’ for a very long time as we were together for over 25 years, 4 beautiful sons, but I’m whole again and will never shed another tear over the situation.

neilyoungismyhero · 18/10/2023 18:56

My xMIL did it for her son. I was going round with the children after he left us for a 17 year old. Little did I know she was actually living at PIL's with him and getting on brilliantly with the old witch.

caringcarer · 18/10/2023 18:56

I'd never cover for my DS's and they would never ask me too. They know how I feel about cheating.

shittyshittysangbang · 18/10/2023 19:07

Sorry OP, I’d want to know he was going there every day. Not sure I’d be delighted with him showing such maternal devotion to someone being off with me. I’d want to know where his loyalty lay? I would also demand to know who she was- any chance it was MIL’s neighbour.

DianaBarry5 · 18/10/2023 20:22

My ex MIL certainly did... she was very close to the OW and encouraged her son to divorce me even though we had 2 young daughters. Their relationship didn't last and the divorce cost him a lot of money resulting in him still 15 years later being very bitter and her having no relationship with my daughters as she blames them for not keeping in touch when it was up to him!

namechangedforthisnone · 18/10/2023 20:28

My ex mil did when all 4 of her sons cheated on their partners

TheFairyCaravan · 18/10/2023 20:29

My sons wouldn’t dare ask me to cover for them. They know I wouldn’t, I’d be utterly furious with them, throughly disappointed and would tell them that either they told DDILs or I would. I just couldn’t put them through that.

My MIL wouldn’t do it to me either and I don’t think my SILs would. My MIL would probably disown DH and take me under her wing. She can’t stand infidelity.

strawberry2017 · 18/10/2023 20:52

I don't think my mil but that's only coz she knows her son is a dickhead and they don't have much of a relationship.

MsDogLady · 19/10/2023 00:27

@Fenetre, I would look to your H if MIL is contemptuously negging you. He must have poisoned the well. Perhaps she’s lording over being ‘in the know’ about his past and any current transgressions. I’m wondering how he responds when you mention her rudeness. Are you sure that it is she he is visiting daily?

…he put the work in to fix our marriage. Not if he withheld the whole truth from you. That shows a self-serving agenda and a theft of your agency.

You did a great disservice to yourself by taking back H without requiring total truth and transparency about his infidelity. “I don’t know … I can’t remember” are blatant lies, and his being ‘distraught’ does not excuse his manipulative stonewalling. Any reputable counselor would advise that recovery and healing cannot begin until H provides the full story, and examines his character flaws that enabled it. Anything less denotes a false reconciliation and corrosive dynamic. As it is, you don’t know exactly what you are forgiving or even who the OW is. H is still protecting her and their secrets.

@Fenetre, it’s not too late to demand from H the answers you deserve.

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