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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do women need warned about him

10 replies

AInightingale · 18/10/2023 09:43

Ex partner was a selfish man who only really cared about his own pleasure. Serious weed habit too. Carped on continually to me, verbally abusive, endless put-downs and criticism that undermined me. We have been separated for several years. Have children together, he's a lousy, disengaged dad and puts them last. I would really like a clean break from him. I left him, he took the family home and I have had no legal resolution yet.

He has been dating other women the last few years, I don't know where he meets them - internet, probably. The last one suffered from poor mental health and had anxiety and an eating disorder. I met her a couple of times, she was lovely and the kids liked her, but my gut reaction was 'you seem quite fragile and vulnerable.' He is the last man who should be involved with a woman like that. Since they split she has been in a bad place and even hospitalised with her conditions, I think.

He is now seeing a woman 20 years younger. The children have met her, and from what I can gather, she has learning difficulties and speech problems and would also be classed as vulnerable. The thought of this pig just using her for the obvious makes my blood boil, but really it's none of my business. She lives with her parents and I get the sense that she may be on the verge of moving into the shit tip that he has turned our old home into. WWYD? Contact her family and have a chat with them? Would you be happy if your sister or daughter got involved with a man like this? He is not violent, but there is a pattern of him being bad for women, if you know what I mean. On the surface a 'nice' bloke but not, at all.

OP posts:
porridgecake · 18/10/2023 09:48

IMO it is a safeguarding issue and you could contact social services safeguarding team and ask their advice. At least you will have tried.

Onekidnoclue · 18/10/2023 09:48

I’m sorry. This is totally shit but I think you need to keep your head down. This woman/girl has a support network, she has a family who clearly must know what’s going on in her life as she lives with them. I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids. While wanting to “save” others is admirable it’s not your responsibility. Your mental health and your kids are. Please look after them. X

Didsomeonesaydogs · 18/10/2023 09:58

She won’t take heed of any warnings from you. It’s likely he has already primed her with the “crazy ex” narrative anyway.

Focus on yourself and living your best life, not what he’s doing and with who.

AInightingale · 18/10/2023 10:01

'Crazy ex narrative', yes I expect he has. He told me I was 'possessed' and wait for it, 'demonic', so god knows what these women have been told.

OP posts:
FeelSoDown · 18/10/2023 10:35

No get on with your own life

fairlyfair · 18/10/2023 10:49

I'd focus on protecting the children and the legality of the housing/asset division. Those are adult women, let them fend for themselves.
There are women who want this messed up dynamics and they won't break free until they realise it for themselves.

cushioncovers · 18/10/2023 16:35

Stay out of it op. I know it's frustrating to see it all unfold from the sidelines but you won't change anything by telling them he's an arse.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 16:49

You can't screen or interfere with his private life. As frustrating as it is, it's not your place and it'll enhance his story of you being mad. These women are just going to have to learn the way you did. If they ask, you can tell them. If not, he isn't in your life any more except as a co parent and this simply isn't your problem.

Haffiana · 18/10/2023 22:57

You haven't properly left him, in your head. If you had you would have little interest in his love life and you certainly wouldn't be trying to control who he sees.

Why can't you have some of that care you profess for yourself? You also dated him, lived with him and even had children with him. You were also gullible and vulnerable. What are you doing to protect yourself from STILL thinking about him? You worry about these other women but you haven't got away from him properly yourself.

I get that you have to have a certain contact because of the kids, but you can still be quite free of him in your head and heart.

Women date bad men for all sorts of reasons. Mostly it is because they were neglected as children and crave validation, attention and contact at the same time as feeling secretly unworthy and valueless. And yeah, bad men will find vulnerable women because they are the ones who will enter into that abusive cyclic dynamic with them that bad men need because they also felt neglected and powerless as children, and as adults they are full of fear and rage and they need to put someone down and hurt them in order feel better about themselves.

Startyabastard · 18/10/2023 23:08

No words, but you're lovely caring like that about someone you don't even know.

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