WhatsApp and dating anxiety

[ahjeez]

I'm in a very unusual situation with a guy just now. We have been in contact every day, but we are taking things slow owing to mental health issues his end (and mine tbh). We haven't seen each other in quite a while, but message over WhatsApp every day, as I said.
Recently, he'd been very quiet and taking hours to respond to me, which isn't too unusual but this went on for almost a week and I ended up asking him if everything was OK, which he said it was and I said that I was glad, as I had been worried by how quiet he had been. He said sorry and explained why (had been unwell and then visiting family).
So, long story is tonight I've realised he's switched off last seen and I'm worried it's because of my anxiety and it has frightened him off. I have quite bad anxiety from past relationships and bloody hate whatsapp for the last seen anxiety.
Basically, am I being stupid or have I been weird and over the top? I'm so nervous I've ruined things. Sorry, just so unsure why it's happened and now feel embarrassed and sad.

Bless you. This isnt the right relationship for you my lovely.
Not that 2 people with mental health difficulties cant be together but its not even started yet has it and theres all this anxiety. Its a non starter. Even with mental illness most know that if they want someone they will show it or not be in that relationship until they can offer their best.
I think , despite his MH, hes breadcrumbing you OP. Love sent and and i hope you make the right decision and leave the relationship.
Do you have counselling? Xx

How long is quite a while?

If he is still interested then let him come to you, don't always be the first to message and definitely don't keep asking if everything is ok, tbh if the momentum of planning dates is gone then it doesn't sound good, I'm in the mindset of if they don't seem as interested as me then I'm not wasting time on them.

If it really helps you being reassured and having someone patient then it isn't a mistake either way. Dating, even lively bits, can sonetimes get a tad stressful and anxious.

Lovely bits*

Communicating via texting ect alone and never meeting is a recipie for misunderstandings and anxiety. Let alone if you suffer from anxiety.

I'm not sure why you've got yourself tied up in something where you never even meet him. It sounds more like a pen pal situation. And one that, isn't making you happy.

Relationships should be easy. Whether they are friendships or partnerships or whatever else.

This one, whatever it is, sounds like it causes you unnecessary stress. I don't think you've scared him off. Because it sounds more like he never wanted anything more than chatting tbh.

You don't owe him any kind of relationship if its not the kind you want. And clearly, this whole only talking by WhatsApp thing isn't healthy for you.

If he can't give you more that's fine. But end it and date emotionally healthy people. Ideally once you also ate feeling more emotionally healthy too.

I don't have counselling, no. I used to but missed an appointment and had it taken away. That was several months ago!

It's been a few weeks since I last saw him. I guess a bit of me wants to treat him as I would want to be treated, so respect his wishes to take things slowly. It's the first time I've messaged him directly/bluntly asking if everything is OK, as I try and give him space to reply in his own time.

I just don't know. I've been in several bad relationships, and I truly feel a deeper connection to him than I have with any other man. It's so hard, I know everything points to this not working out, but I just don't know why when there's such a strong connection we'd let it go.

Sorry, I just don't know what to do.

It's easy to feel anxious with WhatsApp bc people are suppoded to reply straight away. I would get anxious myself messaging people who I weren't even interested in bc of how that app works

@Pinkbonbon I agree with you that messages with the right kind of people should feel easy

You're getting addicted to a fantasy in your head - you don't really know this person. I suspect you like the chatting and the good mornings and good nights? I think he is looking for a pen pal and not a real relationship. You shouldn't need to change your behaviour for someone - if he doesn't like you the way you are then it's his loss.

Also it sounds like you might have a touch of limmerance.You may feel a strong connection but it unfortunately may not be reciprocated.

You mention having had past bad relationships. It might be worth considering if contributing factors to these could include an idea on your side of 'the one' or 'love conquering all' meaning that you overlooked incompatibilities and bad behaviour from them? That you tolerated more than you should have.

Limmetence can lead us to see things we want to see in people too. Rather than the truth.

Sorry for the harsh home truth but- You don't have a good connection with him. If you did, he wouldn't leave you stressing out like this.

You didn't say how long you'd been dating...?

I suspect you are a really warm, caring person who maybe doesn't think too highly of herself. Buy you do deserve healthy relationships. This can't happen if you keep picking unhealthy people and fooling yourself that they are Mr Right. Even when they are actually 'bad' or, just aren't ready to date atm due to illness.

How many times have you actually met him in person?

Given your feelings around relationships and your anxieties I don't think this relationship is for you. You need someone you can see more regularly and is happy to be in a loved up bubble with you.
Hes heightening your issues, that's a massive no no.
You deserve better. Don't let anyone do this to you.
Push for counselling again and focus on you. And please, wait for a guy who will want to be in your life more than anything in the world.

I’d suggest you go back to some counselling - you will need it for yourself. I’d leave the other guy and treat him how he treats you going forward. He’s not able to give you what you want which is ok - it’s just doesn’t match with your needs. I have paid therapy every other week as I can’t afford weekly if finances are an issue. Good luck.

He has seen your message. He will reply when he wants to. You have to manage your anxiety and not chastise him for taking longer to reply, it will put him off/on defense, as evidenced by him switching off 'last seen'.

OP, when men are really interested in someone, they don't behave like this. I know books like this may be out of fashion, but read some like The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You. Set higher standards for yourself. Try not to get emotionally attached too early - these books will help you do that. Forget this guy and move on.