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Original poster

DH works late - feeling lonely

13 replies

Namechangingagain87 · 17/10/2023 23:06

We have 2 dc, aged 6 and 3. 1 is special needs which has it's own challenges

We both work but due to childcare we have the opposite days off. I have always been used to him working late and it has worked out for us. However recently I have started to feel really lonely in the evenings. The kids go to bed around 7.30pm and then I find myself just sitting here doing nothing

All the chores are done i.e. laundry is up to date, cleaning/cooking etc is all done because I keep myself as occupied as I can on my days off. I do read but there's only so much I can read in an evening. I can't go out anywhere as I don't have friends, and we have no family help so no one to watch kids even if I wanted to pop out. During the day i'm fine but it's more during the evenings I get down about it

I think I have felt it more recently as I have lots of annual leave to take so have been taking an extra day off each week (which I regret now as i'd rather be at work) - now I find myself completely alone the majority of the time. I feel terrible even writing this as of course if it wasn't for dh working we wouldn't be able to stay afloat but I can't help feeling so alone

Have you experienced this? If so how did you find the balance? My mind is starting to go numb from sitting and scrolling out of boredom or just sitting in silence flicking through the tv channels because I don't know what else to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangingagain87 · 17/10/2023 23:20

Or how can I just become less bothered that he's hardly here?

OP posts:
AnnaBegins · 18/10/2023 00:09

Oh I know this feeling! DH works every evening. I suggest a hobby! I usually have sewing projects, books, crafts etc on the go. Is there anything you like to do or would like to learn?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 18/10/2023 15:28

Yep I think you need to find a hobby that gets you out I've evening a week. Find a babysitter and join something. It can be anything that gives you the chance to chat with adults, and an hour or two each week will make a huge difference to your well-being. A community choir would be amazing if you like to sing.

category12 · 18/10/2023 15:37

You need to get some friends and build a social circle.

Are there people you've lost touch with that might be open to renewing a friendship?

What are your interests? I'd look for online groups to join so at least you can chat and share ideas if you can't get out of the house much.

When you're having days off, is it for childcare, or can you get out on your own then?

longpathtohappiness · 18/10/2023 16:04

I have posted lots about my DH- he is out at work for 12 /13 hours a day and when he does come home he falls asleep in the evening, i have been feeling very lonely and posted on MN. Suggestions are to listen to an audio book, podcast, radio during the day. I have joined a few clubs to fill my evenings and also on the lookout for more. Weekends when he isnt working, he falls asleep in the afternoon, so i swim and usually meet someone in the pool i know. any gaps left are filled by baking, reading, cleaning, craft etc. Dreading when DC leave home as they keep me company so trying to plan ahead

Original poster
Namechangingagain87 · 20/10/2023 13:50

Thank you all for your suggestions! I do love to read and got myself a kindle recently so will have a browse around for new books. I also follow a few podcast channels on youtube so I find listening to those keeps me distracted. Hobbywise - I would love to be creative but I am really rubbish at it. The only thing I can manage is cross-stitching. I have a kit and a book I got last year so may pull that out and do that in the evenings 😀

On my days off I am pretty much child-free until 3pm. I think I will manage my time better and get myself out rather than stay in and do chores because once the kids are home then I have no choice but to stay in

OP posts:
Crikeyisthatthetime · 20/10/2023 18:03

I think that's the right idea. Only you can change your life, there's no point waiting for something more interesting to pop up. You have to go and find something. Could you look locally for somewhere you could volunteer for a few hours while you are child free? A morning in a charity shop would help them, and give you a focus. ( or it could be gardening, upcycling, helping out in a school..)
To begin with it doesn't have to be something that you love, just something that gets you out and talking to another adult. That will help you to feel more normal. You can take your time to find something that suits you more, but I really feel you need to find something, anything, for right now.

villagelife1992 · 20/10/2023 18:40

Could you volunteer for a few hours somewhere you have an interest or join a gym

Emmylou22 · 20/10/2023 19:18

I feel similar. I work full time, as does my partner. And he has loads of hobbies that take him out of the house most evenings. I can't really have a social life as I have a daughter and need to be in every evening. It is very lonely. I tend to get through it by chatting with friends on WhatsApp or the phone. Then falling asleep early!

Crikeyisthatthetime · 20/10/2023 21:39

@Emmylou22 you need to negotiate one evening a week for yourself when your partner stays in so you can go out. Find two things you'd like to do on two different evenings, let him choose which evening he'll stay in and sign yourself up for that one.
Giving you one evening is non negotiable. But maybe he can choose which evening.

Wittyname10 · 20/10/2023 21:44

If you’ve got the space a home gym/workout space could be a great way to pass the evenings.

Even somewhere to put a bike or a treadmill could be useful.

Good for the mind, body and soul.

Or get yourself in to gaming! It’s great fun and you whittle hours away getting really good at a completely useless “skill”!

Wittyname10 · 20/10/2023 21:45

Emmylou22 · 20/10/2023 19:18

I feel similar. I work full time, as does my partner. And he has loads of hobbies that take him out of the house most evenings. I can't really have a social life as I have a daughter and need to be in every evening. It is very lonely. I tend to get through it by chatting with friends on WhatsApp or the phone. Then falling asleep early!

How many evenings a week do you get to go out and pursue your hobbies?

Mel2023 · 09/01/2024 22:18

I feel you. My DH has recently started working late shift (2-10). It means that I’ve started work by the time he’s got back from taking DS to nursery and he’s left by the time I finish. He gets home at 11:30pm due to his commute so I’m already in bed. Basically we don’t see each other during the week at all apart from a passing conversation. My evenings are focussed on picking DS up, doing tea and bed time. Once he’s gone to bed I feel like a spare part. It’s lonely.

Could you take up a hobby? Sounds odd but I’ve challenged myself to learn to knit. I’m terrible but it means I spend a good amount of time on an evening buried in YouTube tutorials trying to fix what’s gone wrong with my “scarf”! Or maybe join a book club that meets when you’re available so you have a new book to read and focus on each week? DH and I also have an agreed time each evening when he’s on his break when we FaceTime, which is nice as we can catch up about our day. I’d recommend if that’s an option - doesn’t have to be DH, a friend or relative even. Just so it’s someone to talk to.

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