Relationships

[pushmina]

My husband told me today that the unconditional love he had for me is finished and that he resents me now after years of problems that have not been resolved and he says the whole marriage ending up like this is all my fault.

errr does he know what unconditional means

Unconditional love? No.

No romantic love is unconditional.
Cheat? It's over. Use violence? It's over.

If you've been having issues for years, then yes, the feelings of love can stop.

I wonder, has he always been a dick?

And as pp said, romantic love isn't unconditional.
Maybe love for a child is...at least, unless they maybe turn out to be serial killer or something. But romantic love is formed not innate. So its not unconditional.

Maybe if he's a narcissist living in looney land he put you on a pedestal. Falling in love with an idea of who you were but not actually you. And no one can stay on that pedestal forever because, we're real people. With flaws.

Who knows. All you have to ask uourself now is if he's leaving or, you are.

Well I don’t know he says he’s not going to divorce so what does he want he told me you can leave of you want I can’t sleep or eat because of the stress I’m just being patient for the time being and waiting too see what happens for now.

Id assume affair. He wants you to leave. He doesnt want to be blamed.

I don’t know I will eventually find out he can’t just stay separate like this in the house forever either he’ll leave or he will sort things out I’m being patient at moment.

It clearly has escaped his notice that relationships are a two way thing and it is never vanishingly rare for all three blame to be able to be laid at one person's door (unless one is an abuser)... Sooooo hard to imagine how this can be repaired since he's clinging to a Damascus that leaves him clear of all responsibility...
You need to work out how you can extract yourself from the situation with minimal damage (financial or emotional), but sounds like he's going to make it very hard for you, do you have some real life support?

Typos! 🙄

What so you mean it'll sort itself out?

Do you mean, you'll bury the fact that he's said these horrible things under the carpet and remain with him, always knowing he said these things to you?

I'm sorry op but it's time to realise your worth!

He doesn't get to be so cruel and then just, stay.

Its utterly disgusting of him!
It's abuse, quite frankly.

Either, as pp said, he is having an affair and is hoping you will leave because he's too much of a coward to be honest and doesn't want other people to say he's the bad guy.

Or he has said these things solely in order to hurt you. Which makes him a total nut job.

Find YOUR self love and respect.
Tell him to bugger off and that your lawyer will be in touch regarding the divorce.

Don't be patient. You don't owe a cruel bully patience. There's no way you can sort things out with someone so disgusting. And he won't get the gears in motion to leave it seems so you're going to have to find your voice and start taking steps to either get him out or go yourself.

Or you'll be sat there a year from now waiting on him to make a decision. He's already made it. You need to be proactive. Don't leave the ball in his court waiting about.

He's not nice. Life's too short!
You're worth more than this. It's not a woman's job to forgive the bullshit and carry on living with bad men. You'd die inside.

Could he be cheating?

His comments make me think he is test driving his new victim. He won’t leave as it makes him the bad guy in his story. So he is blaming you. Hoping you go and he is free. In his story how can he be bad when someone is feeding him ego kibbles? It’s got to be your fault as he couldn’t possibly be the bad guy, you have driven him to this and made him treat you this way. It’s tedious but sadly the script.

Google the hard 180 and don’t play pick me. You don’t want to win a competition if you don’t really know what the prize is.

@Pinkbonbon 👌

Also as he is currently sat with a fence post up his arse you need to push him off the fence. He may find the grass is covered in dog shit when he lands on the other side.

Hard 180. Secret legal advice. Copies of all documents. Start living for you. See a counsellor to work on you. Read self help books. Exercise. Be proud of you and treat yourself kindly. Ge us not your friend - do not trust him.

Well if course he doesn't want a divorce because it may cost him badly in £.
My ex H said this word for word and added that he didn't want to divorce, just separate.He even had the cheek to suggest we bought another house together for him to live in!!!
I gave him a divorce. An expensive one.
FWIW, as you can see from my previous posts I am.a strong advocate for sticking it out, communicating and working through things. Divorce is one of the worst things I have been through and it feels like a failure.
But you can only do this if both partners want to work it out.

Have you asked him if he wants to fix things? The 'it's all your fault' doesn't sound like he's going to do any work or make changes himself though op. I've been engaged to a man like this. I think you need a lawyer and a therapist x

Are we finished as a family? This has been going on for some years They have been helpful in the past but the reality is they do not communicate with me I am always the one who phones etc They never enquire how I am ( i am older)
They took a dog from neighbours but I had to help when they (family) became ill
No problem except for 2 things 1. I was asked if I did not feel sorry for the neighbours (whom I had never even met) and who were rude to me Why? My family took sides with them.The neighbours are unfriendly to me .
I am expected to mind read I can never do anything right and am treated I think like a social worker who should call in and then depart when it is inconvenient for them .
I am expected to return home alone in the dark and whilst I can do this
occasionally it is hard and not safe

I'm curious to know if you've been happy yourself for all that time he's talking about? Fulfilled? Respected? Nurtured? Understood?

Why are you waiting for him to call the shots? What do you want to happen next?

I need some advice on how to move on from 2 incidents where my father in law was extremely inappropriate with me..the first time he done it he had me against a kitchen cabinet at a gathering and put his hand up my dress grabbed my private area.. a friend of my husbands seen it and was horrified. I told my husband immediately and my mother in law started shouting at me in that moment saying I was telling everyone at the party he assaulted me (I hadn’t) . My father in law became extremely angry and began threatening the hosts of the gathering. The next day my mother in law came over to gather the facts but there was never any real resolution or apology.. in fact my husbands father said that if my husband never spoke to him again because of it he would kill himself. I let it go because it’s not something I wanted to create a fight over. The following year he done something again… outside a bar when I was saying goodbye to family visiting. My father in law gave me a hug and started to lick and kiss my neck. I pushed him away and shouted at him. I told my husband immediately who wanted to follow him to confront him but after the issues it caused before I said I wanted to let it go.. we did not tell my husbands mother under my request. Several months ago I had quite a horrible dream about him doing something worse and I cannot shake it off. My husband and I told my mother in law what had happened the second time and tried to discuss it all together but basically my father in law says he cannot remember anything and he is sorry that he done it but he was having mental issues due to his mother passing away. I do not know if it is because we have had a child since and my perspective has changed but I cannot get it out of my head and feel sick at the thought of seeing both of my in laws. I just feel that it was handled in such a poor way and just cannot fathom him doing that not just to me but my husband and now just have such rage against them. I have since found out from my sister in law that my father in law had told her what he had “supposedly done” and told her that I had my period … I feel so violated and sickened that this level of detail was disclosed. I’m struggling to move on and really need some help to deal with it or advice to let it go?