I am really unhappy in my marriage and day-dream about leaving my husband but feel scared to do so as its so final, it means revealing to those around us how bad things are, and most importantly, we have small children who I would hate to not see every day. They are my world. But I don't know how much longer I can stick it out, and also, I worry our oldest child is starting to pick up on things. I find him so aggressive (verbally not physically), and controlling, and there's absolutely no emotional relationship left what so ever which I crave. I feel lonely most of the time. He barely talks to me except about practical things to do with the children, home etc. Communication is awful and whilst I've often tried to tell him how I feel, it often results in an argument. He will swear in conversation to me at times when frustrated, and sometimes in front of our children (I was brought up not to swear and it really offends me). I have asked him to not use that language in front of them but he won't stop. And he never touches me except for when he wants sex (although even that is rare recently). I feel I've lost all my confidence and am just drained and beaten down. I feel he just doesn't respect or love me at all. We don't ever have any dates or spend quality time just the two of us and on the one occasion that we did go out for dinner on my birthday, I felt he wasn't really present. He is much more particular around the house but I feel like I am constantly treading on egg shells. Recently he severely criticized my parenting as I had let the children get in the bath when the water was 1 degree higher than the recommended temperature. He tells me the fact our children aren't sleeping through the night is down to me as I have let them get into bad habits. I feel invisible and often watch him being loving to our children, only for it to hit home and sadden me how unlike that he is with me.
If I do go ahead and separate from him how does it work please? We would need to stay in the same home for the time being as neither of us have family nearby or any real savings to move elsewhere, just equity in our home. And do I tell him I'm making an appointment with a solicitor to initiate things, or do I just go ahead and do it? Can I be charged for the work done as we go along, or will a solicitor want a large initial fee from me from the beginning to proceed? In a perfect world this would scare him into making some positive changes so it didn't come to divorce but I don't think he is capable and as time goes on the love I had for him is just going. Sorry for all the questions but I feel so out of my depth and frightened but need to start thinking practically. Thank you.