Work - attracted to your manager

westnorth · 2023-10-17T02:46:00+00:00

Wondering if anyone has been in this situation, either as the manager with a direct report taking a “special” interest in you, or as an employee who fancies their manager. How did it play out? How did you maintain professional boundaries? How did you prevent the situation from turning sour? Imo there’s no way a relationship with this power dynamic would work…but it doesn’t stop feelings from developing. I am a woman and a manager and a man I manage seems to take me being nice in a managerial way as something “more” and tends to overshare about his personal life - which is something I need to monitor. For me, it’s hard to relate because my manager himself is really nice to me and is attractive in his own way, but I have the common sense to know he’s only being nice to me because he’s my manager and there’s nothing more “there” to act on. I don’t understand why my direct report doesn’t think the same, but it’s likely because of my gender.

GreyCarpet · 17/10/2023 05:11

What sort of thing is he saying? Is he actually being inappropriate? Or is it 'just' the oversharing?

Not that I'm saying it's OK, I just wonder if that my change hiw you deal with it?

Original poster

westnorth · 17/10/2023 05:23

I’ve worked with him for 3 months so it’s early days. It’s a build up of smaller things eg he offers for us to see each other outside of work (we work in different offices across country though which may be relevant). He is overly complimentary of me, he “hearts” all my messages, says how lucky he is to have met me. He’s asked me if I’m seeing anyone and asked to add me on social media, and has told me unprompted about his relationship breakdown and the things that come with it eg selling house, moving in with parents which may be relevant in a managerial context. But he’s not phrasing it as eg “I need time off to sort house sale”, it’s more that he’s confiding in a mate. It’s just personal vs professional

Others have mentioned that he always speaks about me too

OP posts:

Threadreplier · 17/10/2023 05:47

This sort of thing happens at work sometimes in my opinion. Just keep things extremely professional, if he goes into private life, take it to "how the company can help", rather than you personally. Don't add the social media unless this is something you've done for others (you could speak to them and tell them you're removing all work people). Sounds like others are trying to warn you. So find out details and escalate if shutting down doesn't work.

The "hearting" of messages e.g. on Teams, can be totally innocent in my opinion. Sometimes the thumbs up can look passive-aggressive and it can be habitual to "heart" instead. Only you know context here.

If asking to meet up, be careful. Would you do this for others? Can you make it clear you're not going to see them? "I've got a meeting in that office with (other person), if you're available I might also be able to see you briefly if it works in my calendar that day." If you're uncomfortable, meet in public area e.g. staff cafe and escalate. Make sure you respond professionally even if you are flattered by the attention.

It could be because you're a woman. My husband is an attractive manager and I've seen women behave like this towards him. It's easier that way round because I truly believe women are less likely to try anything on. I swear he has no idea and is completely professional and high enough in the company to have an air of untouchability. Eventually it just stops. I've had the odd comment over the years about how I'm lucky to have such a lovely husband and how some women call him James Bond. So it does happen the other way round too.

Felixmyicecreamillbashim · 17/10/2023 05:53

Keep it professional. You can be supportive whilst making it clear what your boundaries are. Nip this in the bud and focus on keeping things appropriate.

Saggypants · 17/10/2023 06:01

You need to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.

Next time the opportunity presents itself, e.g. him talking about seeing you outside work or social media, respond with a firm 'oh, I never mix my professional and personal lives'. That's just one example, the important thing is that you're putting up very clear boundaries. You could also use the phrase 'I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea' when you actually mean you don't want HIM getting the wrong idea!

Original poster

westnorth · 17/10/2023 06:16

I have actually said “I wouldn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea” before…to other male colleagues! I have been asked on a date before at work unfortunately, he was horrible to me after I said no, so I’m super conscious of never outright rejecting men now. Especially someone I manage.

I don’t add anyone work on social media and I don’t even talk about my fiancé with certain men. I try be as boring as possible

OP posts:

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 06:21

@westnorth do you like him? Are you attracted to him at all? are you both single? I am getting a vibe from you that you are not actuaöly annpyed by him but you are rather confused.
Life is short. If you like him go for it. You/him can find another job but finding someone you like is not that easy.
To answer your question. Yes it has happened to me to like, not my direct manager but a very senior manager at work. Nothing ever happened, we don’t even get to work together. But I wouldn’t give up on such intense attraction or the chance to find the love of my life for a job. Sorry, life is short.

Okaygoahead · 17/10/2023 06:27

I think for some people, given their own personal psychological makeup, the falling for the manager can be a thing. Doesn’t matter gender, or age, if it’s the combination it’s the thing. The manager comes to represent (however weirdly) the ‘one who cares’. The manager is only thinking ‘I care that this person is doing the job and is happy doing so’, the employee thinks, ‘they really care about meee’! The manager may represent an idealized figure for the employee (older silver fox, younger no-nonsense boss lady, same-age fellow idealist, etc etc honestly, the tropes are endless and it’s not your job to police the fetish of the current employee).

As the manager it’s your job to enforce ALL the boundaries. I would not go as far as a previous US Vice President and say that you can never be alone with them, but in general, keep it public, and never touch them except to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre.

The whole ‘he’s so lucky to have met you’ routine - just fucking ewww. It’s not really that we have to teach you how to be a manager, it’s that he needs to learn how to be an employee. Note: I’m not saying that ‘employees must know their place, tug their forelock, whatever’. I AM saying that male employees should not tug their foreskins at their female supervisors.

Okaygoahead · 17/10/2023 06:31

Fucking hell @Rania78 , you’ve managed to give all managers, male and female, a bad name, and also all employees. Note to @westnorth , please do not follow her terrible advice!

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 06:35

@Okaygoahead haha. Life is short. If she wants to do it just do it. Love is more important than a job 😆

RaceToTheMiddle · 17/10/2023 06:38

She’s got a Fiancé- did you miss that part!

Okaygoahead · 17/10/2023 06:39

“Oh life is short “., one says, blowing the cool sixties girl life from one’s fingernails. Pfwah! That’s the sound of me blowing crap from my thoroughly old 60s but also French (mais où est mon passeport 🧐 ah oui, dans le placard

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 06:42

Okaygoahead · 17/10/2023 06:27

I think for some people, given their own personal psychological makeup, the falling for the manager can be a thing. Doesn’t matter gender, or age, if it’s the combination it’s the thing. The manager comes to represent (however weirdly) the ‘one who cares’. The manager is only thinking ‘I care that this person is doing the job and is happy doing so’, the employee thinks, ‘they really care about meee’! The manager may represent an idealized figure for the employee (older silver fox, younger no-nonsense boss lady, same-age fellow idealist, etc etc honestly, the tropes are endless and it’s not your job to police the fetish of the current employee).

As the manager it’s your job to enforce ALL the boundaries. I would not go as far as a previous US Vice President and say that you can never be alone with them, but in general, keep it public, and never touch them except to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre.

The whole ‘he’s so lucky to have met you’ routine - just fucking ewww. It’s not really that we have to teach you how to be a manager, it’s that he needs to learn how to be an employee. Note: I’m not saying that ‘employees must know their place, tug their forelock, whatever’. I AM saying that male employees should not tug their foreskins at their female supervisors.

rbh for me none of these psycological things happened. I just found him ridiculously cute. Whether he was a senior manager, junior, lost his job etc was irrelevant. Of course I am saying all that but didn’t proceed to anything and kept my distance to avoid. So easier said than done right? But u der other circumstances I would have dated him. He is not only a manager but an attractive man as well.

Original poster

westnorth · 17/10/2023 06:47

I’m not attracted to my direct report. I don’t think he’s intensely attracted to me either but I think something is brewing there on his end.

My own moral code wouldn’t allow me to date someone in my chain of command regardless. Having said that, I met my fiancé at a previous job but we were level colleagues that didn’t directly work together. I can’t imagine how messy it would be if one of us was the other’s manager. It was a retail job in our 20s and both of us are in different careers now, so there wasn’t much professional impact

OP posts:

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 06:47

RaceToTheMiddle · 17/10/2023 06:38

She’s got a Fiancé- did you miss that part!

Ok. Then wear your big fat ring and always refer to him. In my experience men respect boundaries. I never got hit on when in a relationship bcs I made it really clear I am taken.

Daffodil18 · 17/10/2023 06:50

Is he younger or older than you?

Princesspollyyy · 17/10/2023 06:59

westnorth · 17/10/2023 05:23

I’ve worked with him for 3 months so it’s early days. It’s a build up of smaller things eg he offers for us to see each other outside of work (we work in different offices across country though which may be relevant). He is overly complimentary of me, he “hearts” all my messages, says how lucky he is to have met me. He’s asked me if I’m seeing anyone and asked to add me on social media, and has told me unprompted about his relationship breakdown and the things that come with it eg selling house, moving in with parents which may be relevant in a managerial context. But he’s not phrasing it as eg “I need time off to sort house sale”, it’s more that he’s confiding in a mate. It’s just personal vs professional

Others have mentioned that he always speaks about me too

God. Just say you're happily married. Leave it at that.

FlagFatigue · 17/10/2023 07:36

Imo there’s no way a relationship with this power dynamic would work…but it doesn’t stop feelings from developing.

You've got a fiancé. Why are you thinking about whether the relationship would work?

To be honest, it sounds like you're enjoying the attention and potential drama. People are talking about it. If you want to fuck up your career and relationship, keep doing what you're doing. You need to be cool with him, any mentioning of seeing you outside of work need shutting down immediately. Be professional.

GreyCarpet · 17/10/2023 07:41

Well what did you say when he asked if you were single? Presumably you told him you have a fiance? That would be the usual thing to do.

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 07:53

@FlagFatigue spot on. I think she probably likes this and hasn’t made clear she is engaged. Men do respect boundaries If you make it clear to them. Most do in my experience at least.

rocknrollaa · 17/10/2023 08:08

I know someone who had a relationship with someone lower down at work (managed their manager so it was one step removed).

It didn't work out, but it wasn't really because of the work situation, it was other incompatabilities.

They weren't together long though, under a year, and it never came out at work. Not sure how things would have gone if it became a longer term thing.

rocknrollaa · 17/10/2023 08:11

FlagFatigue · 17/10/2023 07:36

Imo there’s no way a relationship with this power dynamic would work…but it doesn’t stop feelings from developing.

You've got a fiancé. Why are you thinking about whether the relationship would work?

To be honest, it sounds like you're enjoying the attention and potential drama. People are talking about it. If you want to fuck up your career and relationship, keep doing what you're doing. You need to be cool with him, any mentioning of seeing you outside of work need shutting down immediately. Be professional.

Also this 😅It's really all irrelevant isn't it, as you just need to cool off and tell him you are taken.

uhOhOP · 17/10/2023 09:30

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 07:53

@FlagFatigue spot on. I think she probably likes this and hasn’t made clear she is engaged. Men do respect boundaries If you make it clear to them. Most do in my experience at least.

I don't blame OP for keeping her personal life private. She doesn't need to make her personal life known to her subordinates to give them a reason to stop flirting with her. Instead, they should just not flirt, ideally, anyway. And I understand what OP means about wanting to come across as "boring" as possible at work.