Dads and the lack of them

[PeacefulPottering]

Still struggling with my shite Dad
53 years old and obviously know he's a rubbish Dad. He abondended my Mum when I was one year old.
Over the years he dipped into and out of my life. Not been there for the last ten years.
I lost my Mum ten years ago to cancer, very early she was only 52 .
He , my Dad , came back and said he wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. I asked him why, he said she stopped me from seeing him.
I only remember seeing him and he had a girlfriend in tow, I wasn't as a child the priority.
I don't have any communication with him now, he hasn't seen my youngest child who is 21 now.
I suppose I'm asking, how do you deal with a Dad who hasn't been a Dad .

Or how do you come to terms with you have an awful Dad, I hate it. Whenever Father's Day comes around I feel sick, awful, just bereft

read The serenity prayer I find it really helpful at times

Yes, I know that x

Still fucking hate it. Why didn't I get a good Dad?

My dad came back into my life after not bothering with me as a child. He is a good dad now. I wish he had been this way when I was younger but he’s a good dad now as I said so sometimes it works out. I did resent him not being around when I was younger and felt jealous of my friends with dads around which was pretty much all of them.

He , my Dad tool himself off. I have no idea where he is now. He's on his eighties. It's awful for me and my sister, we have one parent who is still alive but doesn't or hasn't seen fit to be in our lives. It's heartbreaking

I have looked at all the websites, the fatherlessdaughters, I've tried to contact him, nothing,

I’m sorry for the loss of your mother OP.

It sounds like your dad has been a disappointment, and that his inability to provide you with the love and support that other dads give their daughters is hurtful to you. Fwiw, I’m in the same boat.

I have found it helpful to think of it in this way. I cannot ask more of my dad than he is able to provide. To do so will only lead to disappointment. He’s an old man now, the dye is cast so to speak, and he’s unlikely to change, even assuming that’s something he’s capable of. Of course it’s horribly unfair that some dads are wonderful and others are inept, but it’s not something that you can control and it’s no reflection on you or your mother.

I have limited contact with my dad, not because of any conscious decision on my part, but because there’s a lot going on. Tbh he rarely enters my mind. I hope you find a balance that works for you in your relationship with him. You sound like a lovely, caring person and I hope you and your sister are able to talk about this if that’s what you want.

Thank you.
It's not always what I want to hear. I hate him. I do know I need to move on. My sister has, she can have no fucks. I suppose I'm still at that farherless daughter mindset. I will try to get past that x

And I have two children that have a great father in their life.
I feel jealous. I shouldn't I know but I do. Whenever I see my girls have a great relationship with their Dad I feel jealous, bereft, it's devastating to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love it, I'm thankful every day my girls have that brilliant relationship with their Dad, I love it. I'm so heartbroken I didn't have that with my Dad

Sorry to hear of your loss. I’m confused with your post though - was your mum 9 when she had you?

My df was a thoroughly unpleasant man. I'd worked that out by the age of about 4. We used to organise our days to avoid him as much as possible. Maybe it was the early acceptance that makes it easy to deal with. I went NC at 16 and never regretted it. He died when I was 30 and all I felt was relief that we were rid of him. The whole family relaxed. I don't think about him at all now.

DS and his dad have a good happy relationship, and I do everything I can to facilitate that.

My relationship with df has left me independent, self sufficient and well able to look out for myself, which are all positives to take away.

I was about to ask the same!