Should kids know about DV

[FeelSoDown]

If you was in a dv relationship did you/ would you tell your children about it if so when? My kids don’t see their father but are getting older now (preteens) I recently told them a little bit more about their father as I don’t want them thinking they are the reason he doesn’t see them so I went into more detail but not about the DV but my son asked me last night if his father ever hurt me, I changed the subject as felt maybe he was too young to know that and didn’t want to burden him. Is this the right thing? What age would be appropriate?

Mine are nearly 7 and 9 and over the years have asked about their dad every now and then. I didnt know what to tell them either.

School advised that I tell them in a child friendly manner. So they know that the police told him hes not allowed to live with us or see any of us because he hurt me and other people

He was found guilty in court and court ordered he not contact or communicate with me or the children

When their older if they ask I will probably tell them a little more but not while their young

Thanks mine are a bit older 12, 11 and 9. Been told on another group that they shouldn’t know under any circumstances

Age appropriate truths. If you want to tell them as adults that their father was abusive then yes, you can. Children don't need to know the ins and outs, you can be more vague. What is really important is that they know it was not their fault. Children often blame themselves for these things.

Of course you should be honest.. Do you want them seeking him out behind your back? Abusers left on a pedestal in a dc's mind is setting them up for a hell of a fall in the future. Someone will tell them the truth if you don't... My exh bluffed past his abuse to dc.. He died and 2 now sport huge DAD tattoos. When the day comes and they remember.. Can't imagine how they might feel.

I’ve been told on another group that I’m wrong for even considering it and that they should never know and I shouldn’t break their hearts that what went on in the past is nothing to do with them so it’s hard to know what is best.

Unlikely anyone will tell them I don’t speak to my family

Of course it is to.do with them
If they ask.say yes
That is one reason why we left
But that you are fine now
And you know they will grow up to be great boys who respect other people

Ask.advice from a famiy therapist

They have a father
They will want and need to understand

Talking from seeing it as a child myself & my child witnesing DV (until 5y) from her father, it has everything to do with them. They also lived through it - either witnessing/hearing incidents & behaviours and seeing how you lived through it. We model our future relationships on how we see our parents' relationships. A girl watches how her father (figure) treats her mother & will subconsciously recreate that for her future. A boy watches how his father(figure) treats his mother & will subconsciously treat women later in his life the same. My DD is 9, and she knows about self-respect
, boundaries & the less obvious forms of DV so that she can navigate away from the walking red flags. There's always an age appropriate way to explain anything, but if they dont know the danger, how can they avoid it?

I don't think the other group is right.

If they ask directly then yes I would say yes, he hurt me, that's one of the reasons why we split up. You don't need to go into detail and if they press for details you can just say something like I'll explain more when you're older, you don't need to know the details. But yes I would answer the question just with simple facts; yes he hurt me, that is not okay in a relationship, it's part of why we split up. If they don't see him, then you could also say something like that is why we don't see him, to keep you safe.

I think you need support from professionals to support you and them through this very difficult moment. I don't know who could help though. Maybe a DV charity. The children do need to know though, whether now or later, about how brave their mother was to protect them from a man who harmed her and would have harmed them. I can't imagine what it was or is like but them knowing enough of the truth when old enough feels right to me, especially if they're already asking questions.

It’s weird as on the Facebook group I’m getting the exact opposite advice. Apparently someone said they will never tell their kids because they don’t want them to wonder if they have the violence in them too? I am wary of contacting anyone about it as I never reported most of it and don’t want to and don’t want to flag us up to social services?

OP, based on your last update of different people saying different things, this is why I think you need professional support. People saying things on FB and MN meaning well but not being trauma experts. And not being child psychologists, can only offer opinions that are not backed by deeper knowledge of a complex subject. You're obviously a great mum and I admire your ability to deal with this. I am sure it is hard on you reliving it all. It must be dredging some difficult emotions for you. Take care!

Not in my opinion. When my child asks what happened, I say daddy wasnt ready to be part of a family and every family household looks different. If they didnt witness it, they shouldnt be told about it until they're old enough to process it. My mum did the same and i found it to be a very graceful way to handle it, i admired her for never scarring my childhood with a story that i could run away with in my head, or horrible stories. Its traumatising and those are no ages to hear anything but love and niceness.

all this. plus importantly make sure they know it is also not your fault either the only person to blame is the abuser.

Thanks it helps to hear different opinions.

I couldn’t afford a physiologist for the children unfortunately ex left me in debt and doesn’t pay maintenance.

I think a ' ah mum, you should have told us' when they're older is better than a 'i wish that never happened to my mum' at a delicate age.

I agree that it's damaging to tell children that their dad is a violent person/bad person/go on about how awful they are or all the terrible things he has done - because that WILL feed into their self image. They are curious about who their parents are - all children are, whether they have a close relationship with you or not - they love to hear about your childhood and the things you did before you had them. It's the same for absent parents with perhaps more curiosity. For this reason I think it's so important not to slag off your ex around children, even if they are so little that you'd assume they won't understand. Only discuss them when they aren't present.

I didn't frame it like that, and I think it's possible not to. You can always frame it like "Everyone does good and bad things. Your dad made some bad decisions, but he's not a bad person." Even if you privately do think he's a bad person, it's helpful to remain neutral about this kind of judgement. You can also balance this by telling them some neutral or positive things about him, like he likes football, he is good at telling jokes, he has lots of friends.

There is time when they are adults for them to put the pieces together and work out their own perception of whether or not their dad is a good person, at their ages I think being factual but keeping detail and opinion and judgement out is the best approach.

You could enquire with your GP whether they could access any counselling on the NHS if you feel that it would be beneficial for them. Or ask at their their schools if there is a school counsellor if they ever want to talk?

Mine remembered it and talked about it ... however social services didn't believe me and told me that it was abusive to tell the children things like that about their father.

I can't because my children have to still see their father. If I tell them then I will be blamed of parental alienation.

Thanks all for commenting and sharing your experience I've thought about it some more and I've decided not to tell them. I wont lie and say no I will just avoid the question/ change the subject if it comes up again.