Why am I upset when I don't care?

[BirthdayRainbow]

H and I have separated. My decision after he hurt me. He's not being nice to me at all. I've posted on parenting how he's been with the kids. I'm upset that he's treating me so badly but I am 100% happy not to be with him now and should have left sooner. How do I not become bitter at his attitude after I've stayed before when he broke our vows and did a lot for him. I don't care about him so why am I upset at how Beadle he is treating me?

Live well. Do things you enjoy. Be around people you enjoy. Love your freedom. Protect your mental health and make good mental health your goal. Imagine him floating away on a cloud. When he shouts at you imagine you are swimming in a beautiful pool of water with sunlight shining down on you. Text only and only about the kids. Throw darts a mt a picture of him.

Thank you. I'm quite a visual person so your suggestions are good for me. I especially like the chuck darts at his photo suggestion! I've taken them all down so none around thankfully.

I think its hard to realise that a person is just seeing far from who you once thought they were.

You need to think of it as that you've closed that chapter in your book. He's not relevant anymore. Other than at pick ups amd drop offs. Amd thats 5 minutes in which you use the 'grey rock' technique.

Google it.
It's basically just not giving them anything to work with. Short sentences in a boring tone. Making yourself boring too them by sharing nothing about your life and barely reacting to anything they say.

'I hate you!'
'Well that's unfortunate. So here's mindys bag and I'll see you on Tuesday. Bye!'

If they ask questions like
'How has your week been?'
'Fine, thanks. See you on Tuesday!'.

If they text anything not related to the children, don't bother to reply.

He's not relevant anymore. Remember that. Every time he says something nasty just think 'I don't care because I don't care about your opinions' to yourself and go 'ok/righto/whatever' in a couldn't care less sort of way.

Feel free to also calmly say 'do not speak to me like that' and walk away/hang up. No reaction and firm boundaries are key.

*so far from

Thank you. Luckily our children are all 18 and over so there's no childcare issues. He's just being horrible and so disrespectful. Like the past 25+ years meant nothing. Grrrr.

I suppose that on the bright side it just further proves to you you were right to leave him :)

You have a safe home, in your own company and no nasty manchild around.

Just block all contact and tell your kids you don't want to hear about him (and to learn from your mistake regarding staying with shit partners).

Heartbreakingly he's been terrible with the kids so if there's anything to say about him from them it's nothing I can't handle. I'm biting my tongue about complaining to them about his treatment of me and giving my opinion on his attitude to them as I don't think it is fair. It just hurts after everything that he can be like this.

Be honest did you expect anything else? Were you hoping to be wrong? The only thing you have done "wrong" is expect him to be a better version of himself he isn't he won't be you have dumped him physically now dump him emotionally

Unkind to say I made a mistake staying with him after he did me wrong before. It was for the right reasons.

and yes, it is a surprise how he's been with the kids as well as me tbh.

In some ways it might actually be validation for them to hear from you that his behaviour was not and is not ok.

I mean, they presumably saw him treat you crap over the years and to hear you say 'I was wrong to stay so long' might help them recognise that they don't have to tolerate him either. And that relationships shouldn't look like their parents relationship did.

It can create real cognitive dissonance to recognise behaviour is not ok yet, see their mother/sister ect... tolerate it. It can make them feel they are wrong to have a problem with nasty bullying behaviour and should also tolerate it.

I say just be honest with them. They are adults now. I'm sure they'd appreciate it. I'm guessing they're probably glad you're out too.

I'm not blaming you for staying by the way. Hell we all make mistakes! I'm just saying maybe your kids can learn from yours so they don't repeat them.with him or future partners of their own.

It has come as a huge shock as the dc knew nothing about the bad stuff in our marriage. Due to my childhood I didn't listen to the signs and he was awful to me personally, never in front of the children. I was very good at showing nothing as wanted the children to have a lovely childhood and I was so down on myself I couldn't see how I could leave. The children know that he has done something bad years ago and that he has hurt me now but I can't tell them what. It's too private. I expect some posters will think the kids secretly know but I know them and they would say.

He is linking the kids to you being on your side as it were making himself a huge victim the next step will probably be choosing one of the children and being nice to them to turn them onto "his side" it's unlikely he will accept there are no sides people like your ex like to cause damage on the way out more than when they are in

I'm guessing, especially if he's treating them badly now that they have a sense he wasn't Mr nice guy and you're right to leave.

Couldn't harm to say 'I left because he wasn't nice' without going into detail I suppose. Like I wouldn't be pretending or letting him pretend I left for my own 'issues'. Sod letting him get away with that bs.

I'd imagine I'd be bloody mad too knowing how shaudily he treated me and him having the audacity to make out I was wrong to leave. If that's what's going on?

No need to tell the kids everything but id make it clear I left with bloody good reason tbh. Sod letting him Swan about pretending to be Mr innocent wronged party.

They know he did something bad years ago (only told them very recently) but I've left this time for something different. I'm having therapy and she said not to tell the dc what he did either time. TBH if I told them they'd never speak to him again and I don't want to be responsible for them not having a dad.

The way he is acting is a real shock tbh. I always thought he was a good dad but I'm questioning everything now.

I wish I could stop feeling hurt at how he's treating me but I'll never forgive him for his he's treated the kids. He is texting one of them daily but that child isn't interested. H isn't clever enough to try and get a child with him. He's emotionally unintelligent. Feels like he thinks he's doing enough to make himself feel like he's doing well. But he's a shit and I wish I could be divorced right now.

Thanks all.