Lack of sexual intimacy

[Mumwhoneedsadvice]

So I’m in my 30s and 3 years ago my husband got diagnosed with prostatitis I wouldn’t say we was at it like animals but once a week roughly.
Since his diagnoses he is often in pain and is on medication that is well known to decrease his libido. Due to ejaculation being extremely painful for him I think he avoids having sex.

I was 32 when my sex life stopped and I do feel for him I really do but his brain knows why he doesn’t want sex but mine doesn’t.

I’ve told him how I feel many many times and he can see it’s breaking my heart but he totally ignores any sexual intimacy. Yes he loves me and he’s caring and he cuddles me and kisses me. But that’s as far as intimacy goes.

it’s been 6 months and I’m really struggling, I try it on and get nothing back. I feel like we’re just a mum and dad now. He always complements me and I know he fancies me there’s no doubt in my mind. But I guess sex is danger zone to him so he is happy to avoid it. I’ve been really working on myself and I’m in the best shape of my life putting all the effort in at the gym but I feel I’m a little wasted.

I love him and don’t want anyone else or to cheat or anything I just want to vent and see if anyone feels the way I do.

Thanks for reading

What a terrible situation to be in at your age. You say he can see it's breaking your heart but is there no conversation about how it can be resolved? If you got your 'toys' out would he use them with you for your pleasure? Surely he doesn't expect you to live a celibate or unfulfilled life forever because it's painful for him to orgasm?

I do think a lot of men are selfish when it comes to sexual pleasure (but definitely not all before I get slated, just from my own experience a lot are).

Maybe try sex therapy.

thank you for responding I appreciate it.

I have toys and he tells me to use them but I don’t think that’s the answer for me I want to experience the pleasure with him.

I bring up weekly how frustrated I am and honestly he’s so blank, a little bit like well I’m the poorly one be grateful attitude.

I have said he don’t need to have intercourse but I need something and nothing is ever mentioned or nothing ever changes.

Surely he doesn't expect you to live a celibate or unfulfilled life forever because it's painful for him to orgasm?

there is a bit more to it than this, especially if his condition is chronic ( sounds like it is )

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/prostatitis/

@Mumwhoneedsadvice he certainly won’t want have PIV sex, any time soon.

Toys are going to be the only option, see if he will use something on you - try using one on yourself and encouraging him to take over,

Good luck

I think if you were a man telling his wife WEEKLY how frustrated you are because sex is painful for her bit she should be responsible for your organisms, you'd get a pounding on here.

You said he'll kiss and cuddle, so you're getting intimacy.

It sounds like you want him to just push through the pain and do it anyway.

Does it hurt only when he comes or with an erecting too?

This sorts horrendous for you but in your position, I wouldn’t be happy for my partner to give me any kind of pleasure if he couldn’t have any in return. It would just feel so wrong to me, like I was forcing them.

Not sure what the answer is; would you consider an open relationship if it came down to it? I can understand that you don’t want to be celibate.

Let’s stop you there I kind of knew posting to a group of strangers I would have it turned around like I’m the issue.

im not saying I need sexual intercourse to put him in pain and to push through it at all. There’s more to sex than penetration I just feel like he could still enjoy our time together even if it is with the use of toys.

Hes not in pain every day it comes and goes, he can go to the gym and go out drinking he isn’t always in pain but the fear is there that it will hurt I guess.

No I don’t want to be with anyone else it’s about having that connection with my husband. Sex would be pointless without a connection to me.

Yeah he is under a consultant I’ve done so much research and I also know people still can have sex with this condition. Maybe I’m just being selfish and need to just get over the fact my sex life is over and there’s more to life. Thanks for the post

Oh op you sound so upset in your post.
There's nothing wrong with craving intimacy. It doesn't have to go all the way to penetrative sex.
I think perhaps he's avoiding it all together as he will no doubt get aroused during intimacy.
I think sex therapy may be the way to go, no less just to discuss how you both may be feeling x

I have even tried couple counselling as few years ago he had a breakdown at work and left me and the kids for 3 months. That’s when all the stress resulted in him having the prostate issue. Honestly I’ve been open with him I’ve given him space and I come up with new ideas but everything sexually is shut down. I honestly do believe he can’t help himself if he starts something so instead he avoids it all.

i just wish my libido would die I want to hurry up and get over it

So how much of this is in his head? If acute, it should be sorted after 2 weeks of antibiotics ( and is ofter caused by an STI, so maybe he has some guilt about something?) Even chronic is intermittent and there is no mention of it being life long, so your sex life should not be 'over'.
If I was you I'd both get checked for STI's just to be sure you've not been passing something between each other.

Ah, so, the 'stress' caused the prostate issue, nothing to do with him being on his own to see whoever? Sometimes you might reap what you sow - and stress doesn't cause bacterial infections. Do you actually know what he was up to and what caused the 'breakdown' ? Could it have been affair stress? Fits in with him leaving when you think about it.

Sounds pike he's had an affair and caught a dose sorry OP

I have a physical injury and any physical arousal is incredibly painful. It's heart breaking. I would love to be in an intimate physical relationship, but it's just not possible, I just can't imagine trying to pleasure a partner, without any personal stirrings. No solutions here. But totally appreciate that people have wants and needs, and if my personal relationship and my brain could handle it, I'd suggest going elsewhere for sex.

It’s chronic…

not caused by infection or treated by antibiotics he’s under a consultant doing investigation and had testing for everything. He’s definitely not cheating.

vultures and their kind comments.

@nameForThis21 back off .... did you even read my post or just pick the bit out you wanted to? Have you read OP's posts? I am aware of the problem without the link and yet again would ask the same question.

OP I think you're right that the fear of starting something with you, with or without toys, is stopping him as he'll likely end up in pain either through erection/orgasm. That must be really difficult but I'm sure he really would love to be getting jiggy with you otherwise.

If he's still under the consultant, do you go to the appointments with him and has the subject of sex come up with any advice from them? Is there any treatment he's got coming up that may help?

Ignore the unkind comments.

@Meadowflower2023
yes I did read your post and the OPs & I feel quite comfortable calling you out as well.
if the genders were reversed and it was the OP in pain and not interested in sex I imagine you calling her husband every name under the sun if was he asking for weekly sex.

I think you are one making the unkind comments here TBH ,

This has to be a joke. I would feel empathy for anyone in the OP's situation, male or female, hence my posts.

You can imagine me calling her DH all the names under the Sun all you like but you'd be wrong.

I think if you read and take the comments on board properly, mine and a handful of others are the only sympathetic ones for the OP - you seem a strange individual if you perceive them otherwise.

Did you have couple counselling? What happened in those sessions?

I don't know what the answer is here, as it's easy to see why he might try to avoid being sexual due to it causing pain, and it's natural for you to still have a libido, so there is an impasse.

Couple counselling or sex therapy might help you both better understand how each of you are feeling and the impact that it is having on you both. Even if there is no easy resolution, it may help for both of you to know exactly how the other is feeling about it, otherwise you are left guessing what might be going on for the other person and that just increases the frustration.

I didn’t want people to argue on here or make me feel bad for building up the courage to speak out in the hope someone was feeling how I was feeling.

when I say I discuss with him weekly I don’t demand for sex I try to initiate that I still fancy him and I try to talk him round to different ideas but I hit a brick wall.

But when cheating comes up that really bothers me that you would say something so unkind.
I get a lot of attention (without sound big head) from men but I always brush them off as I love my husband but it also helps me realise that it’s not the fact he doesn’t fancy me and is cheating it’s because he’s in pain. So trust me when I say he didn’t catch prostate from STD my husband is totally into me just not sexually.

I guess I was wrong thinking strangers would give me advice without making me feel like rubbish.

thanks to everyone who was kind though, you are the angels

Although a brother's similar problem found no infection -antibiotics for two weeks did fix the problem. Query whether that could be a solution worth trying.
Also your husband should go back to their urologist and be open to new treatments. You should also go and ask questions. It affects you both.