Christmas and MIL

[Daisyflower02]

First time poster here, need a rant🤗
I (24) have been with my partner (28) for 5 years. We were living with his mum for the last 2 years but have recently moved out into our own house.

We have never spent the whole of Christmas Day together has a couple. Partners mum is on her own so he feels he can’t leave her on Christmas Day, so I usually do the run around to my family by myself and then go back in the evening. Partners brother and wife spend every other Christmas with each family (this year they are expecting a November baby but it’s their turn to go to her family for Christmas who live about 4 hours away).
The discussion of Christmas this year has popped up and me and partner have both said we want to just spend Christmas Day on our own but depends on his brother - if brother stays home because of new baby, he will try and arrange his mum going there, or if they do go away he is thinking of suggesting she go with them (although I know this won’t be an option). If partners is on her own Christmas Day (although she has 3 sisters) then I suggested to have both sides of our family to us on Christmas Day for dinner so we can be together and nobody is left out.

However, 2 years ago this same scenario come up and my parents asked me, my partner and his mum to go to theirs for Christmas dinner and his mum said no, so I said I would stay with my partner and his mum Christmas Day instead as I just wanted us to spend the day together, she turned round and again said no, she wanted to spend it with just my partner meaning my partner stayed with her all day whilst I went to my parents, and I’m worried the same thing will happen again this year. I understand he doesn’t want to leave her, especially on Christmas Day but it is always left to us to make plans around everyone else. I did say to my partner why don’t we just tell everyone now we’re spending it on our own but he doesn’t want to put anyone out and so will wait to see what everyone else is doing first.

I haven’t said too much at the moment as I don’t want any disagreements over something that might not even happen but it’s so frustrating knowing that once again we could be spending Christmas apart because his mum wants him to herself.

am I being selfish, I’m starting to think I am :(

a lot of rambling I know so I do apologise but very annoyed over this.

This is a tough situation, and it sounds from this like your MIL is the least flexible person in the arrangement (although she might look at things differently).

If there is a difficult situation with her then it's your DP's problem to solve, not yours.

My advice would be that instead of being last with your announcement, you actually need to be first. So I would go with the flow this year, but announce (in a breezy and positive way) "We have had such a wonderful time this year at Christmas, and wanted to make sure we saw you all, because next year we will be celebrating it just the two of us". With a year to plan around you, it's harder for other people to claim to be left out / left in the lurch.

Invite her to yours with your family and she can take it or leave it. Your partner needs to step up here. She's not being "left on her own" if she's refusing an invitation, she's demanding to have things her own way and he's allowing it.

I agree 100% with @NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers and @shropshire11.

Your partner should be stepping up here to sort this out because the problem is his mother.

No family member or friend should be left alone at Christmas but as long as she is being invited to whatever is going on, you and your partner shouldn't be changing your plans to suit her. Invite her wherever, and if she chooses to decline to attend, that's on her.

You need to explain to your partner that this is actually a problem in your relationship (yours and his), not in your own relationship with his mother. He needs to step up.

Yes this. Invite her and it’s up to her what she does then. Try not to deliberately leave her on her own for Christmas by not inviting her.

Yes I would never not invite her if she was on her own, I think I am just cautious about how it's going to go after previous years. I am hoping my partner will put his foot down a bit and say he's not going to be spending it with her just them two!

I can't believe your partner didn't say something about spending the day with his mum and not you! She had an invite, so didn't need to be alone, and you could have been there. Very strange behaviour, don't pander to it.

She’s being very selfish, your partner needs to stop this behaviour now. What happens if you have dc? Is she going to demand that he brings the kids but not you?

I applaud your patience in this op. You sound nice. But seriously the mil needs to understand that her son and you are going to spend Christmas together and she's welcome to join you. Her way is not the preferred way any more.
Your dp needs to grow a pair and stand up her her bullying tactics.
If she refuses then be it on her lonely head