DH moods

[Expectingplants]

Together 7 years, DD 9 months.

I'm just so fed up of his constant negativity. I think he was like this before DD but I think it's worse now, or maybe I've noticed it more because I don't like DD being around the negativity.

I don't know if he's depressed or just stressed due to a fairly recent job move (although this has meant less hours).

I do all wake ups with DD (4/5 times a night as she's EBF), I do all cooking and cleaning etc. Im on mat leave but will be a SAHM as was always the plan, so i think thats fair enough. He has 2 rooms in our house dedicated to his hobby (as in the rooms can't be used for anything else) and he can do what he likes with those rooms (they're very messy). I just ask him to keep main living areas tidy but his stuff just bleeds onto all avaliable surfaces. I feel like I try and make his life easier however I can but its not reciprocated.

I rarely get a break from DD (no family help) and I don't really mind this but today I wanted to take my dogs on a long walk (I usually take them with DD in a sling) so left DD with DH for about 90mins. I came back and asked how it was and he told me he (as in DH) cried for 45 mins, DD didn't eat breakfast and he's going back to bed.

Writing it out that sounds like depression but he's so reluctant to speak to GP (has been on antidepressants before).

What do I do? I feel so alone. Feel like he doesn't like his life with me and DD.

Would it be easier without him....

If it genuinely would then have a proper serious talk with him. If you want to try and mend it you both have to...you aren't responsible for his moods.

And, from experience, I said to DH that he had to go and get help otherwise I wouldn't stay with a depressed moody person who wasn't getting help.

He did, I stayed, we are in a much better place now.

Did you do all the cooking and cleaning before baby was born?

Hopefully not but it would be bad if so.

He has two whole rooms for a hobby? How old is he, 12? One of those rooms could be a wonderful relaxation room for YOU or a playroom for baby.

You say you don't mind not having a break - you're worth more than that. What about his side of the family - don't they want to be involved in your gorgeous baby's life?

@Jk987 yeah I did but I worked part time to his full time. Again I don't mind that it's just the not keeping things tidy. In an argument he told me I place too much importance on 'bullshit' i.e keeping things tidy. But that's all I ask him to do! I feel my concerns are always brushed off as he's a high earner so in some way I should be grateful.

I feel sometimes I've accepted things too much. I'm pretty easy going and don't need much to be happy. His family are great - but live abroad. The long term plan was to move to his home country for the family support. I would hope he'd maybe be happier there?

Don’t be financially dependent on this man. It sounds like your two single people with a child living under the same roof not a couple with joint goals.
I think you need to do some soul searching

He CRIED because he was left with the baby for 90 minutes? Puhlease.

Either he needs serious and immediate intervention to help with genuine mental health. OR he is a controlling manipulative ass.

Ok I’ll try and get past my massive irritation and merely ask, did he say why he was crying?

You should be running for the hills. None of this, his selfishness, his hoarding, his lack of respect for you, will ever get better.

You would be mad to move to his home country because the man you see now will be the exact same man there, and then you may very well be trapped.

You can't help him, don't delude yourself into thinking you can. Run, run, run.

He shrugged when I asked why he was crying. Which is annoying. I do feel for him because there is some background health issues (nothing serious) but...there's ALWAYS something wrong, it's like he has to have something to complain about.

These comments are validating actually.

I do worry about moving to his home country (its European so not too far flung), like you say it most likely it will be the same.

I just feel so sad. @Aquamarine1029 I always tell him its not about the tidying etc its about what that represents - a lack of care and selfishness.

Of course you're sad. It's always sad when you finally realise that your relationship isn't working and will never work. I think you let him get away with far too much for far too long, and it wasn't until you had a baby that you realised how toxic, selfish, and dysfunctional it all is.

This is not a healthy way to live. None of this is normal. Don't raise your child in this dynamic with a father who's always miserable and puts his wants over his family's needs. Get out.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do not get bogged down in sunk costs.

Plan your exit from this relationship by seeking legal advice re divorce . What is his hobby BTW that entails the use of two rooms?. Hoarding also is a serious mental health problem and is no healthy environment to raise a child in.

Tell him that if your dd ends up eating or chewing or breaking some of his hobby stuff that's migrated to your living room then he can't moan as you need a degree of tidiness to stop little hands grabbing stuff

I think for all of your sakes and mental healths is best you go back to work, even if it's very part time.

As for your DH, yes, it sounds like depression. Crying like that isn't typical. I also cry a lot more when I'm in the dark cloud of depression. Unfortunately, one of the things depression does is make it hard to seek help, it's far more comforting to wollow and succumb to the depression.

I think maybe a proper sit down talk may be good. Put the baby down for a sleep and sit down together with a cup of tea and be honest. Let him know that you've noticed he seems very low and you'd like to know how you can help and whether he identifies with feeling low. If so, does he have any ideas on what he can do to feel a bit better.

Don't give up on him - but don't give up on yourself either. Being a SAHM is stressful, lonely and boring. That was my experience anyway. It also means you spend a lot of time with your partner which may not be a great idea given your circumstances. Keep your freedom and individuality, it'll do you and your relationship the world of good.

Writing it out that sounds like depression.

Really! I diagnose twatery.

Running around and making life ‘easier’ for him has enabled his twatery and sense of entitlement.

The version of him that isn’t an entitled twat isn’t waiting around the corner and you really do need to wake up and smell the coffee. Moving abroad with this man would be a monumental mistake.

Also, unless it's abusive, never end a relationship within a year of having a baby. The first year is usually tough on any relationship. You're tired, you're around each other more than normal, anxious over wanting to give your baby the best life, seeing that you're not parenting the same etc.

It doesn't sound like your relationship is broken. Gosh, it's normal for it to be unhappy at times of stress, no long term relationship is happy 24/7. You've had a baby, your husband is feeling low, it is normal you're not feeling great. But things change.

Encourage him to seek help and in the meantime, get out of the house more.

Families are precious, think carefully before going down the thought process of ending things. That seems rash to me.

What this man is asking of you is that you set yourself on fire to keep him warm. When he’s used you all up and you are practically dead, he will move on to the next kind hearted but gullible woman. Tell him to pick a team and crack on; he either tackles his depression or he’s on his own.

I feel my concerns are always brushed off as he's a high earner so in some way I should be grateful.

This is significant. What you've written here is key. You feel you should be grateful, meanwhile he cries for 45 minutes when left with the baby and is unable to feed them breakfast, and calls your reasonable request for the basic courtesy of keeping his hobby items to the two allocated rooms in the house, "bullshit". The fact that he earns more doesn't make him right, it just makes him a higher earning unreasonable man.

The long term plan was to move to his home country for the family support. I would hope he'd maybe be happier there?

He might be happier there, he might not, but whatever you do don't move to another country with a man who's happiness is the gateway to your own. I wouldn't be stepping foot out of the country with him with the relationship the way it is now. He will have even more "weight" when surrounded by his family, while you will have less.

Time to set yourself up with a bit more independence OP, practically and emotionally.

It's so nice to see people supporting what I'm saying- makes me feel lighter so thank you.

I think I need to try one more time to have a proper conversation with him about it. I can't keep doing this honestly.

I'm also at fault as I take his moods personally, my mom was really difficult in childhood with taking her mood on on me and I had no idea what I'd done wrong. Some things were OK one day and not the next.

I feel confident though now that I'm not complaining over 'bullshit'!

My DH had phases of pnd which was at its worst when DD1 turned 6months until DD2 turned 2. 3 long years of moods, anxiety, tension. He just couldn't seem to adapt to being a dad. I also realised that he was always 9 months behind me and playing catch-up.
Could you suggest that DH picks something fun to do with DD once a week? Maybe a playdate with another dad. Can you together decide his baby responsibilities at home - maybe bedtime on certain days of the week?
Also, for the man-crap around the house. Just get a big laundry basket, spend a few mins chucking it all in and put it into his room. Job done. Good luck - this can get better.

@Bluebelle82 thank you, this gives me hope @EmmaDilemma5 same to you, I agree the first year is hard for all involved!