Friendship, drinking & possessiveness.

[cwirkee]

I wrote out a very long story and even the TLDR was a bloody paragraph.
I have a friend (40s), she’s always been a very heavy drinker and a bit of a negative thinker, there’s many nights out where she’s made a prat of herself etc. she’s unhappy, I know that. We’ve had lots of heart to hearts but no changes on her part.
Since covid, she’s hit a peak of destructive drinking…. cheated on her husband more than once, lying, vomiting, wet herself in public etc and I’m always the one that takes her home and makes sure she is ok.

I’ve been distancing myself, especially where drink is involved.
She texted me that she’s giving up drinking and I had hope but then days later is sending me links to some party that she wants me to go to with her. I politely refused, luckily I had a true excuse but she just got very passive aggressive and snide about it.
If she hears that I’ve seen other friends I get more snide remarks, she has become very possessive and I used to wilfully omit information when talking about other friends but now I’ve largely given up and that has made things worse, I don’t tell her stuff to knowingly upset her but I’m not lying anymore cos I’m just sick of being a mug.
Occasionally I’ve seen her when alcohol isn’t an option, breakfast etc, but she’s still so negative and catty that I’m just so over it now.

I’ve left out so much here but this is the general gist.
I know MN, you’re going to tell me to dump her. But she’s such a black/white kind of a person. You’re either friends with her or she hates you. There is no grey area so she’ll probably go full on Bitch Warfare and I just can’t deal, we live in a very small town.

Any suggestions? Instances where you’ve miraculously turned around a friend? She used to be great and it'd be such a shame to lose her.

It sounds like she’s going to go Bitch Warfare regardless of how you do it. It might be easier to bite the bullet and tell her straight. At least you’ll be in control of it.

What would a really great person do here? I reckon they would gently help her maybe, challenge her and explain how you feel, whether f2f ot some other means. At least they might try? Knowing yes your friendship might well end but you will have given her the chance. Set boundaries like you will leave the conversation if she gets aggressive or whatever?

She’s an ageing alcoholic.

Its a progressive disease which is continuing to takes its toll on her physical and mental health. It doesn’t stand still. Her life is deteriorating and she is taking more risks and being further chaotic.

She is intolerable when drunk and intolerable when sober / hung over.

You don’t need to be exposed to this.

Everyone in your town / social circle will be aware of this and if she try’s to smear you as revenge they will not listen.

The only thing I would do is sign post her to services.

Then walk away. This is her journey.