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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling unwanted in relationship

16 replies

Sara182 · 15/10/2023 18:01

Good evening all,

I have been in a relationship, newly 2 years in April. During the two years, I was under a lot of stress (child arrangement order and divorce) and he has been some what supportive.
I have expressed to my partner that I feel used in the relationship and do not feel appreciated.

I have a job and earn good money. I have been paying for everything (food, dates, their tv etc) as they do not have a job. This wasn’t an issue but it has started to get to me as I feel the relationship is one sided. They did have a job but quit after 2 weeks.

Now that my stresses are now over, I am wondering are they using me? They have never taken me out for a date. Is this asking a lot for when someone does not have a job? They do claim UC but the money left over is not a lot.

One thing I find odd is that I have met their close family. One thing I do not like, is that they have not told their ex partner (who they have a child with and have been split for over 5 years) about me.

my head is a lot clearer now and wondering is this relationship worth it?

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 15/10/2023 18:08

No?! How is this relationship going anywhere?? Why isn’t he working? Do you want another 8 years like this where you do all the graft and Kay for his lifestyle?

have you met his child yet?

Otter1971 · 15/10/2023 18:10

Why doesn't he work?
What is up with his close family?
As far as exp goes depends on their own agreement and age of child...

Bunnyhair · 15/10/2023 18:11

No, this relationship is not worth it. I’m glad the major stresses have lifted a bit and you’re getting more clarity. Move on and find someone who is capable of reciprocity.

anotheropinion · 15/10/2023 18:12

Your partner has had one job in two years, and quit it after two weeks? And they don't make you feel appreciated?

Original poster
Sara182 · 15/10/2023 18:12

This is what I am thinking. I am of the mindset that I would do whatever job to get money. I competed uni, and yes I am very lucky to land a job straight away but I enjoy working and still do.

One thing my dad said is that I need to focus on new job and child. I did wonder if my dad saw something he didn’t like re my partner.

Their child- sort of met them. I invited them to my child’s birthday party but I was not introduced as their partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sara182 · 15/10/2023 18:13

Too picky with jobs.

nothing wrong with family but most relationship advice talk about meeting friends and family and if you haven’t met them, walk away as the relationship is not serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sara182 · 15/10/2023 18:14

Yes

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 18:15

Be kind to yourself. It sounds like the relationship, such as it was, suited you during a stressful time when you perhaps didn’t have the bandwidth or the self esteem for a more together person. Now, a few years on, you are able to see the ways this person isn’t good enough for you. Its not the job per se, or the treats, but the lack of self respect, self care, and love he is showing you. Don’t get caught up in what ifs or second guessing the last few years. Just politely bin him and move on.

category12 · 15/10/2023 18:24

I agree with your dad that you should focusing on work and your child.

This person sounds like a drain and a bit of a loser - jobless and you're paying his way? Wouldn't that money be better spent on your kid and yourself?

Not on a full-grown adult who should just get a job. He ought to be embarrassed to take money off you.

Laurdo · 15/10/2023 18:31

Cut him loose! A partner should enhance your life in one way or another. In what ways is he enhancing yours?

MissConductUS · 15/10/2023 18:36

He's a work-shy parasite. Is that what you want in a partner?

Original poster
Sara182 · 15/10/2023 18:36

This is where I do not know. He has been so supportive in a way that most relationships should be based on this. E.g listening to me, being there, supportive. That’s why I feel a bit shit. Should I expect more?

I am not used to it and now and again I do want to feel like a Queen! But is it too much to ask?

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2023 18:41

I think it's a base expectation that a partner listens to you and is generally supportive. That should be a given.

Maybe you've had shit partners before - but I don't think it's too much to ask that a partner is both nice to you and has a job.

Laurdo · 15/10/2023 18:42

Sara182 · 15/10/2023 18:36

This is where I do not know. He has been so supportive in a way that most relationships should be based on this. E.g listening to me, being there, supportive. That’s why I feel a bit shit. Should I expect more?

I am not used to it and now and again I do want to feel like a Queen! But is it too much to ask?

I'm sorry but simply existing and having working ears does not make him a good partner. That should be a given. Your bar is too low. You deserve better.

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 18:55

Of course its not too much to ask! Of course your partner should make you feel “like a queen”—Queen of their heart, anyway. But if you mean this incompetent waster should earn enough to pay for treats, or security, or a day out you are being unrealistic. He doesn’t mind you treating him, but he will never put himself out to support his children or you. He’s not ambitious and he is selfish.

MissConductUS · 15/10/2023 18:57

Sara182 · 15/10/2023 18:36

This is where I do not know. He has been so supportive in a way that most relationships should be based on this. E.g listening to me, being there, supportive. That’s why I feel a bit shit. Should I expect more?

I am not used to it and now and again I do want to feel like a Queen! But is it too much to ask?

Of course he acts like that. Keeping you sweet and in a fog is how he makes his living now. You're his sugar mama.

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