Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At breaking point and I don't know what to do

15 replies

Sadsalad · 15/10/2023 16:03

I have a genetic issue so dh and I began genetic counselling last year. We have had a lot of stress since this inc. bereavement and our dc being very unwell.
Dh has become very cold toward me, he seems to have completely lost all empathy and has been particularly nasty when we are at events and in front of other people (who never say anything but look embarrassed). He even did this at my Mum's funeral.
I found out he was secretely gambling hundreds of pounds a month and he has also gained a huge amount of weight and now snores so loudly it's impossible to get sleep and I imagine he's barely getting any decent sleep either (GP shrugged it off with 'lose weight' and made a referal for social prescribing for a "life coach" for the gambling but dh has ignored their calls).
I'm pretty sure this all a trauma response to the 3 months of hell we went through when dc was very ill and then my Mum's death but I don't know what to do anymore.
I tried to broach the fertility issue yesterday as it's been put off but he got instantly defensive and nasty he said "your delusional if you think I'd want children with you" amongst other similar things. Then today he's acted like it never happened, couldn't understand why I was hurt and said "do you really think I don't want more children ofc I do".
Honestly I don't know what to do as I think these things are all a trauma reaction rather than him being a bad person but I can't cope with it and it's destroying me.
Obviously there's no way we'd be having a baby in this situation - the first step was to get all our samples and to find out if pre implampt genetic testing was even possible. I don't know whether to carry on at this point to find this out (they have to apply for a licence first then do the testing so it's possible things will never get past this) or just to give up now.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 15/10/2023 16:06

leave

Specso · 15/10/2023 16:12

I seriously wouldn’t even consider having more children with this man.

OhComeOnFFS · 15/10/2023 16:14

I'm sure you're more affected by what's happened than he is, given it's your mum who died, but you're not horrible to him, are you? He just sounds really nasty and I don't think you should even consider having more children with him.

Original poster
Sadsalad · 15/10/2023 20:21

No I'm not nasty but I get upset. Would people really leave this early? I honestly think it's ptsd or similar. I don't want to go into all the details about what happened with dc but it was traumatic and he was hospitalised and very poorly for a long time. I don't know what's best honestly :( I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadsalad · 15/10/2023 20:24

Baby wise - I agree. I wouldn't chose to bring a baby into this environment. Purely selfishly I don't know whether to continue so they get the licence and find out if it's even possible to do pre implampt genetic testing. I feel conflicted on just about every possible thing atm.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/10/2023 21:24

He’s given up on your relationship. How long are you going to tolerate his shit behaviour?

Original poster
Sadsalad · 20/10/2023 23:03

@Cherrysoup I don't know :( I'm proving to be more spineless than I rhought I was

OP posts:
Fionaoffeltrinelli · 21/10/2023 04:43

You’re not spineless, you just don’t want to accept what I think
you know deep down to be true. You are making excuses for this man. No amount of trauma is an acceptable reason to treat you this way. Please don’t have any more children with him. He’s showing you who he really is and you can look forward to more of this if you stay with him. Trust me, you deserve so much better.

NotNowGertrude · 21/10/2023 09:09

I was married to a man who treated me like that, if won't get my better

It sounds like he doesn't love or respect you & a relationship can't survive without respect

If it is ptsd he needs to recognise that & get help himself. Treating you badly isn't the answer & you need to stand up for yourself & not allow him to do that

Original poster
Sadsalad · 22/10/2023 13:02

You're all right. I think hiding it from myself a bit. He got annoyed at me this morning and gave me a look I can't really describe but it made me go cold . We were out and I stupidly found myself having a panic attack in the toilets after. He didn't do anything but idk i dont think anyone's ever looked at me like that before and it was scary. I know that sounds so stupid but i cant explain it properly .

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 22/10/2023 13:34

This all sounds difficult OP, but much more so for you than for him. You were bereaved and needed support and instead your husband decided to treat you coldly and make nasty comments about you in private and public. There is no excuse for this behaviour and it sounds like there's no love care or respect towards you.
I think you need to be very clear with him and stress that you won't tolerate any more of his moods and nasty comments, and that if he doesn't address his issues and get counselling then it's over.

pizzaHeart · 22/10/2023 14:38

So you yourself have a genetic issue which became apparent when your DC became unwell. So does your DC has a genetic issue as well and does it mean consequences not like higher probability of something somewhere in a future but a real health issue?
Have I understood correctly?

Original poster
Sadsalad · 22/10/2023 17:20

@pizzaHeart my son has an unbalanced chromosone translocation (syndrome without name). We've both been tested and I have a balanced translocation so it came from me. Also explained previous miscarriages. Just before my Mum passed we had genetic counselling and have started the process to find out if pre implementation screening is possible. First step was various fertility tests, then they have to apply for a licence for the particular genetic varient and then they test to see if it's possible to do a genetic test for the varient in an embryo (this i wasn't 100% clear how they test this but it wouldn't be testing with our embryos). Assuming everything there comes back ok then the next step would be to harvest eggs to make an embryo and then pre-implementation testing. So it's a long process with lots of points it could go fail.

Selfishly I wasn't sure whether to carry on do my bloods to find out my fertility/if they can get a licence etc. But my heads a bit all over the place right now.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 22/10/2023 17:34

I googled it but to be honest it’s a bit unclear. I’m not after details, my point is different. There is a problem with your child ( and you?) and potentially a serious one and instead of getting his s*t together and supporting you in this and in your bereavement your DH behaves like a twat and even started gambling - when it’s obvious that a new problem means extra expenses. How dare he?
PTSD???? He needs a kick in his arse and preferably a strong one.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/10/2023 17:35

Sadsalad · 22/10/2023 17:20

@pizzaHeart my son has an unbalanced chromosone translocation (syndrome without name). We've both been tested and I have a balanced translocation so it came from me. Also explained previous miscarriages. Just before my Mum passed we had genetic counselling and have started the process to find out if pre implementation screening is possible. First step was various fertility tests, then they have to apply for a licence for the particular genetic varient and then they test to see if it's possible to do a genetic test for the varient in an embryo (this i wasn't 100% clear how they test this but it wouldn't be testing with our embryos). Assuming everything there comes back ok then the next step would be to harvest eggs to make an embryo and then pre-implementation testing. So it's a long process with lots of points it could go fail.

Selfishly I wasn't sure whether to carry on do my bloods to find out my fertility/if they can get a licence etc. But my heads a bit all over the place right now.

Gosh that sounds really tough for all of you, but there's no reason for him to be taking it out on you. Now is the time you should be pulling together as a team, but he's turned on you instead.

Do you think there's something in him that's blaming you?

I really don't like your description of how he looked at you and you felt so panicked that you had to hide in the toilets. I don't want to be alarmist, but fear is a warning signal from our senses, one that lets us know that we are in danger, where our conscious thought processes try to overrule that.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page