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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unsure about what to do, if anything

8 replies

NighttimeSnoreathon · 15/10/2023 07:19

I need to vent, possibly even get some advice.

I've been up since 2, having only fell asleep just after midnight. The reason, my DH's snoring. I was woken by a very loud noise, thought I was being attacked, but it was the sheer pitch of DH's snore that woke me. I had gone to bed at 10pm, and couldn't sleep until after midnight as that was when DH's snoring had thankfully stopped.

It isn't the first time. This has been ongoing now for over 10 years and I've just about had enough.

He has sleep apnea, and used to sleep with a CPAP machine, stopped using it after 6 months as he found it too hard to sleep with. He could go until 3/4am wearing it and then he'd remove it. I at least had a good block of sleep during that time. He lost some weight and this helped with his snoring, but now that he has a sedentary job, he's gained 10ish lbs and the snoring has worsened, yet he is refusing to use his machine. He gasps for air, occasionally stops breathing and the jolt of his body when he gasps is unsettling, the noise is horrific and very loud.

I have my own health issues, chronic pain condition and semi functioning kidneys which means I'm on a lot of medication and often feel rough at the end of a busy day and need my rest.

I just don't know what to do, and if I can continue like this for the rest of our marriage. I love him dearly, we've been married for 22 years. I am trying to be sympathetic towards him not wanting to mask, I've tried it and it's not nice, however, if there was something I was doing that was affecting him the same way he is affecting me, I'd try my hardest to change it. He's offered to sleep on the sofa, which is no good as it's directly under the bedroom and I can still hear him snore. Separate bedrooms are not an option, and I can't wear ear plugs, can't tolerate them, I've tried.

OP posts:
overand · 15/10/2023 07:21

White noise machine?

MintJulia · 15/10/2023 07:25

Move house. Or build an extra bedroom. Better than losing your marriage, and will make it clear to your Dh that drastic steps are needed now!

NighttimeSnoreathon · 15/10/2023 08:47

Moving or building another room are not possible, not for the next few years at least.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 15/10/2023 08:53

What do you want?

You are free to vent if that's what you want.

There are lots of things you could do.
-Leave him.
-Tell him you are thinking about leaving to explain to him how serious this is.
-Try all the new types of earplugs, most people can get used to them if necessary.
-Sleep in separate rooms - there is no way it is as loud in a separate room.
-Use white noise.
-Go to bed much earlier.

Zanatdy · 15/10/2023 08:59

Have you tried the sleep Bluetooth headphones, it’s like a flat fabric headband so you can listen to something when sleeping to hopefully drown out the noise

SheriffAmosTupper · 15/10/2023 09:03

My DH was reluctant to get seen but after a diagnosis of sleep apnoea, he only needed to spend one night or two with the c-pap machine and mask to realise that he loved it- wouldn’t have been without it. He slept better and was more well rested and it truly did save the day.
If he loves you, he will. Right now it’s not affecting him, only you. What does he suggest?

NighttimeSnoreathon · 15/10/2023 09:42

I'm not sure what I want, apart from a decent nights sleep. I'm seriously debating booking a cheap premier inn hotel nearby just so I can have some uninterrupted sleep.

When his snoring was at its worst, I threatened to leave him unless he saw a doctor, which he did and was subsequently diagnosed with sleep apnoea, used the machine for a while and then decided he didn't like it.

Im fed up I suppose, I don't feel like he is taking my need for sleep seriously as it's not affecting him. He has ADHD and can fail to see the bigger picture sometimes.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 15/10/2023 09:55

I think you need to communicate how desperate you feel about this and that unless he uses his CPAP machine you are considering leaving.You need your sleep too, especially if you have health issues and have to hold down a full time job. Let him know know it's a major issue, both for his health and your marriage. Paint the bigger picture for him!

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