STI tests

[Babewhat]

These are standard and normal, yes? If you’ve been seeing someone for a while and the relationship is moving to ‘meeting kids‘ territory, then it’s not unreasonable to expect this, right?. His kids, not mine; he wants me to hang out with his kids but ‘has too much going on’ when I ask him if he’s done the STI test yet.

He is 44 and and I am 35; we’ve been dating for 2 years, but apparently it’s totally unheard of in his group of friends. in my group of friends it’s the absolute norm
when choosing to start having kids/stop using condoms.

I can’t believe that men in their 40s have never had to face up to doing an STI check.

Do you still use condoms?
Yes it's completely normal (or it should be) but I've come across quite a few men who don't do it ever. They don't take responsibility for themselves, it's sad

Yes @GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath im safe. It’s semi long distance so there have alway been condoms, I have endo so am very particular about my sexual health.

I think it’s more he’s pushing for a serious relationship, but I’ve been super clear that if it gets serious and we stop using condoms then I need an STI check. Tbh I haven’t ever experienced this before, it’s either not gone beyond condoms, or it’s been a proper relationship and we’ve both just had a check as a matter of course. Im starting to feel im being ridiculous for asking him to do it? But it’s literally 5 mins out his life isn’t it.

Of course you aren't being ridiculous! He can do it by post, it couldn't be simpler

He needs to do it and not just ignore your request.

How old are his kids?

Actions speak louder than words. He’s either incredibly lazy or doesn’t give a shit, whichever it is, you could do better.

Move on already!!!

Both partners need to do and swap results before dropping the condoms

You might point out to your DP that this would be common sense regardless; I have been tested for HIV twice (some time ago when anxiety was much higher) purely because a dental nurse who had been assisting with my treatment had turned out to be HIV positive, and the Local Health Authority were being super-cautious,
Nobody is casting aspersions on his fidelity.
I suspect laziness and/or reluctance to have anything to do with medical matters.

Thanks all. I’ve had multiple done in conjunction with other medical appts in the last few years, but as you say it’s just been my belief it’s standard for both parties. Children are 7 and 9; I agree it probably is pure laziness but even that in itself is just not a quality I want; worst case he just doesn’t care about me and my sexual health enough.

I work in sexual health. Yes, it’s a perfectly sensible and reasonable thing to take STI tests together when your relationship gets serious enough that you are doing away with the condoms. Do I think your partner is probably right that most people don’t do it (even if they say they do)? Yes, probably. The vast majority of people aren’t testing between partners (hence why STI rates are so high). Even working in sexual health, I would guess that most of my friends have never been tested. So it very likely could be he doesn’t know anyone who does.

BUT that doesn’t really matter if that’s the boundary you’ve set. It’s a wise and sensible thing to do. And you can order a self-sampling kit to do at home from your local clinic. It takes no time and doesn’t require going in for an appointment. You do it at home and send off in the post and they text you your results (or sometimes ring if positive and you need antibiotics). It’s very discreet and there should be no excuses for not doing it if a partner has said it matters to them.

@mindutopia thank you for a really considered and informed reply. I think perhaps I’ve just come to expect it from partners (and myself, just as a standard part of relationships) so I was starting to wonder if it was actually true that it was as unusual and insulting to ask someone to do it. But as you say home testing kits are easy AF; I work in health policy (although not sexual health) so I wonder if there is some behavioural thing going on with that generation that he finds it so insulting and/or impossible.
But equally as you say, it’s non negotiable to me, and so if he continues to refuse, that’s my answer really isn’t it.

I have always asked for mutual sti tests when considering moving from condoms to none.

It's only really been two people that I've done that with. The others, wr just used condoms throughout the relationship.

(One guy did rub against me before putting a condom on once, and passed on an std - either it was that incident or I got it from him even while using condoms; which is possible with that std. He was, I discovered, extremely promiscuous, so unfortunately it was not entirely unexpected).

On the subject of the std tests - both partners were reluctant. Both had not been asked to do it before.

The first claimed his ex (and only partner without condoms) was scrupulous about her sexual health and got tested regularly. I insisted on the tests; he went reluctantly (there was much moaning about dreading swabs inside his urethra etc. If that's what's it called on men too). He was given a booklet on clamydia and a course of antibiotics as a result of the tests.

(I ended up taking antibiotics as a precaution too).

The second guy, as above, claimed he'd never been asked even once to do tests, and said he'd had sex without condoms with all previous partners. (About 4/5, since he had been widowed young).
He reluctantly did them, and apparently there was nothing found; but I never saw his results, and discovered during the course of the relationship that he was a fairly glib, repetitive liar. So it's not impossible he didn't tell me if anything was found. I trusted him at the time but in retrospect, don't.

Anyway ... I'm waffling to try to say that I ask for them, but my experience of two men (one about 28 when I asked, the other about 45) was that they didn't do them, hadn't been asked previously and thought it was unnecessary and almost outlandish.

If I'd not persisted with the first guy, I could have had a case of clamydia without clear symptoms affecting my sexual health and fertility.

On the subject of your relationship in general.... Sorry this is going to sound rather blunt and harsh but;

He's 9 years older than you.
He's got two kids already.
He's done with whole marriage/partnership and kids thing before.
He can't even be arsed doing a respectful, responsible thing for you.

You're selling yourself short there.

He's nearly a decade older.

He's got two kids so you'd be in a step parent and blended family situation, which is complicated and very rarely a "better" setup than just having kids with a partner where neither of you have kids from previous relationships.

His resources (which is a significant issue, unless someone is quite rich) are already required to (at least in part) two human beings ... His income, any inheritance; again, you don't get that issue when having kids with a partner who hasn't already got kids.
His time, attention, focus, resources (and yours for that matter) are for your kids.
It's not as easy to comfortably supply kids with everything they need financially etc. (it used to be said it took about 200k to raise a kid, I don't know if that even includes uni etc fees or house deposits etc) when there are potentially 4 or more of them in two different households. You are selling yourself short and you are selling your potential kids short.

You don't have kids already (?); he's not having to deal with your and his resources being split among your kids from a previous relationship, or having to get on with kids who aren't his and make an effort for them; he gets the good end of the stick on that front. You're compromising, he's not .... Which echoes this STD testing issue, I suppose.

Having dated a widower with kids, and later had a child with a man with no kids from a previous relationship; I'm afraid my advice to childless women hoping to have kids would always be to try to find a man who hasn't had kids yet either. You get all the firsts together, you have all your combined resources for just your kids together. You have a relatively simple household/family setup.

You're also not investing in someone who already has a track record of failing in a serious partnership with kids involved.