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Original poster

I'm going to text him please stop me

44 replies

changewillcome · 14/10/2023 23:42

Context-

4 year relationship. I love him but I felt he didn't value me. We've been broken up nearly a month now.

There were lots of arguments but there was one thing that was the final nail in the coffin.

I struggle with my mental health at times. I'm medicated and in therapy so doing the best I can. Most of the time I'm ok, but just before I broke up with him I was in a very low place
I didn't talk to him. We weren't in a great of place.

I spoke to a mutual friend about how low I was- I mentioned suicide as a way out. I felt like that at the time. I don't now. I didn't even think at the time he would talk to my bf.

The mutual friend rang my bf the next day as he was worried

Bf mentioned it to me one week later.
I asked him why if his friend had spoken to him he didn't talk to me earlier?
He said it only just came to his mind.... a week later!

I broke up with him as I felt and feel he
Doesn't care.

He's not made any contact since. I'm gutted.

Would love any advice and hard truths are fine. I want to message him as I miss him so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
changewillcome · 15/10/2023 00:36

Yes. I've been though break ups before.
I just thought he was the one.
But he doesn't care and I really wish I could get that into my head and stop making excuses for him.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 15/10/2023 00:39

Don’t look for an external resolution to how you’re feeling, look for an internal one. Instead of hoping he can reassure, soothe and comfort you etc find a way to provide those things for yourself. I highly recommend journaling and it might be worth considering these questions. What unmet needs do you have at the moment? How might you meet them? How you can have an outlet for your feelings without contacting him? What would you say to a friend in the same situation?

GreenTuraco · 15/10/2023 00:41

The thing is, what we are missing, when a relationship breaks up, is not really the actual person, but the longing we have in our minds for the fantasy of the relationship that exists in our minds, the idealised relationship that we hanker for. The grief of not having this makes us cling to memories of good times with the ex and ignore all the shit that has gone down. This is probably what is happening for you OP. You are grieving for the loss of the relationship that you hoped for. The reality is that this man was not caring, he did not think about or care about your wellbeing and that is the man he is. Remember why it was that you broke up with him, you had your reasons. You are worth more than a shoddy uncaring relationship. Just let him go, you will not get the relationship you want with him. Let yourself move on.

Original poster
changewillcome · 15/10/2023 00:56

GreenTuraco · 15/10/2023 00:41

The thing is, what we are missing, when a relationship breaks up, is not really the actual person, but the longing we have in our minds for the fantasy of the relationship that exists in our minds, the idealised relationship that we hanker for. The grief of not having this makes us cling to memories of good times with the ex and ignore all the shit that has gone down. This is probably what is happening for you OP. You are grieving for the loss of the relationship that you hoped for. The reality is that this man was not caring, he did not think about or care about your wellbeing and that is the man he is. Remember why it was that you broke up with him, you had your reasons. You are worth more than a shoddy uncaring relationship. Just let him go, you will not get the relationship you want with him. Let yourself move on.

I miss the good times we had. Even recently.
I know I need to move on. I'm grieving him, us and my perceived future.
I've not had any closure.
Thank you all for replying though. I won't be messaging him now, especially not this time of night.
He must have found someone else- that's what's killing me- men don't just leave things without someone else waiting in the wings. It churns my stomach to think about it.
What if she is everything I wasn't

OP posts:
Whenwillitpass · 15/10/2023 00:59

You have to ask yourself what outcome you want from sending a message like that. Do you want him to feel bad? To try and get back with you? To learn something he can bring to his next relationship? Are any of those outcomes going to help you or make you feel better? If not then I wouldn’t do it.

Original poster
changewillcome · 15/10/2023 01:02

I want him to feel guilty. I want him to take responsibility for the ending of this,

OP posts:
ShellySarah · 15/10/2023 01:09

Your mental health sounds very poor. Whilst that is in no way your fault it can't have been easy to be in a relationship with you whilst you had frequent bouts of mental ill health.

You didn't tell him you felt suicidal, you didn't want to, you told a Friend. Perhaps he didn't contact you as you didn't tell him you were suicidal...you told a friend.

Then you dumped him for not caring about something you didn't tell him directly and when you no longer feel suicidal anyway?

He's let this go as its just too much drama perhaps?

You can text him but I'd just let him move on.

Whenwillitpass · 15/10/2023 01:16

I don’t think he needs to take responsibility. You ended it, not him. It’s so awful when a relationship you value ends, you must both be hurting a lot. He is respecting your decision to finish with him. I would leave it as you’ll possibly just end up hurting yourself more if you don’t get the response you want.

ShellySarah · 15/10/2023 01:18

changewillcome · 15/10/2023 01:02

I want him to feel guilty. I want him to take responsibility for the ending of this,

So you dumped him and you wanted guilt and for him to ask you to come back?

It hasn't worked and he's accepted your decision to end it and he's respected it.

What's to gain by apportioning blame now it's over and you decided it was over, not him.

PeacefulPottering · 15/10/2023 01:19

With all the love I can say to you he's not interested, he doesn't care . Leave and don't look back. Honestly, leave.x

Catoo · 15/10/2023 01:21

changewillcome · 15/10/2023 01:02

I want him to feel guilty. I want him to take responsibility for the ending of this,

So sorry you are struggling OP.
You chose not to confide in him so maybe he didn’t know if he should mention it or not. Then you broke it off with him.

Don’t send him messages calling him a coward if you want any chance of seeing him again. He won’t feel guilty or say it’s all his fault. He’ll be relieved and think he’s had a lucky escape.

If what you really want to do is tell him you didn’t mean to break up, you were just hurt as you didn’t know if he cared, you appreciate the good times you had and and understand if you don’t hear back for a while etc. then that would I be a clearer and classier message to send. You still might not get a response that you like. You might wait weeks for a response if one ever comes. But you won’t have insulted him in the process.

I hope you have some good friends round you and you feel better soon.

Original poster
changewillcome · 15/10/2023 02:24

changewillcome
I want him to feel guilty. I want him to take responsibility for the ending of this,

So you dumped him and you wanted guilt and for him to ask you to come back?

It hasn't worked and he's accepted your decision to end it and he's respected it.

What's to gain by apportioning blame now it's over and you decided it was over, not him.

No. It was just cementing the fact I thought he didn't love me anyway.
Then he did something that showed me.
I still love him massively but he doesn't care and I'd like him to take responsibility in a way.
Nothings to gain, I'm leaving it.

OP posts:
Original poster
changewillcome · 15/10/2023 02:36

So I'm the one in the wrong.
Because I ended it.
Because I felt uncared for and unloved.
And then he didn't message (I wasn't thinking he should)
I just thought he might??

But i still feel upset and heartbroken about this.
My MH is and is usually stable. But it has been bad in the past (before him) and I had a definite low a few weeks ago.
I wish I didn't have bad mental health and I'm doing everything possible to help myself.
I feel his lack of anything is telling me everything I need to know.

OP posts:
ShellySarah · 15/10/2023 07:24

He didn't know how bad your mental state was. Perhaps he didn't reach out because he was very aware you chose not to tell him and heard it from a friend instead. Perhaps he thought you didn't want him to know.

Now you've dumped him for not caring about something you chose not to tell and you're annoyed he's accepted your decision.

Why should he grovel and apologise and accept blame? I wouldn't in these circumstances.

Burntouted · 15/10/2023 15:50

Perhaps he cares and decided to remove himself entirely from the equation because this relationship is unhealthy, toxic, and perhaps extremely volatile to his mental health and overall well-being.

Perhaps he is tired of being trauma dumped on, and tired of you expecting him to manage and be responsible for your mental health and well being. Perhaps the events were very triggering and he didn't know what to say, and it may have been mentally unraveling for him.

Perhaps he didn't take it seriously because perhaps you've threatened suicide previously...and perhaps you do this for attention from your boyfriend (you often feels like he doesn't care) ..perhaps sometimes you do this in hopes of keeping him (maybe you feel like he's drifting away and will leave you often)

Perhaps he doesn't care, and knows you need him..and is getting a kick out of knowing you're going to beg, plead, and chase him down. .yet again. Perhaps you do this often, and he's patiently waiting for your return..because you always come back. Also, maybe he likes knowing that he has that type of control and influence over you.

Your relationship isn't what you envision it to be.(perhaps you're in denial about how it truly is)This relationship doesn't seem healthy.

Please leave him alone and respect his wishes. Perhaps you should remain single for a while (1 year or more) while you work more on yourself perhaps in therapy.
You need to learn esteem and how to love and respect yourself. .

Please in the future, do not trauma dump on anyone. If you are in control and realize you need help...ring emergency and/or a professional therapist...

If you're able to. Your loved ones are not therapists. You must try to be considerate of their mental and overall health and well being, and how exposing your traumas could have a negative effect on them. Everyone has problems and is struggling with things you may not be aware of. To expect them to assume responsibility of your well being and be your "saviors " is too much to expect from them...and will ultimately hinder your relationships with them.

Just leave him alone. There is no need to contact him. Do waste your life constantly intentionally getting sucked back into an unhealthy relationship that will remain stagnant.

Just leave him alone. Please contact a therapist and work towards acceptance and moving on.

Burntouted · 15/10/2023 16:20

Everyone has their breaking point.

You can't expect him nor anyone to continuously accept nor tolerate anything from you.

Maybe you often play games and perhaps he felt you were making up things about your mental health to get perhaps even more attention from him or a failed attempt to keep him and the relationship..maybe he thought you and your friend were in cahoots and were trying to trick him.

You can't keep accusing a person who potentially cares about you of not caring and being loved by them.

You can't keep calling the relationship off and on at your own discretion and expect an potential emotionally invested person to put up with this.

You can't keep disclosing information that perhaps should ultimately include your partner only to confide in someone else, excluding your partner.....in turn that person who you confided in told your partner...something that should have come from you

and expect your partner to remain.

For whatever reason your boyfriend whether he cares or not doesn't want you back nor want to remain in communications with you. That is his right..and you need to respect and accept it.

If you really feel unloved for and not cared about from him, and you know that your relationship isn't healthy....

It's best to work towards moving on.

Rockgod · 15/10/2023 16:34

You’re getting some good advice on here.

Talk to a therapist not to him.

Original poster
changewillcome · 15/10/2023 22:05

Burntouted · 15/10/2023 15:50

Perhaps he cares and decided to remove himself entirely from the equation because this relationship is unhealthy, toxic, and perhaps extremely volatile to his mental health and overall well-being.

Perhaps he is tired of being trauma dumped on, and tired of you expecting him to manage and be responsible for your mental health and well being. Perhaps the events were very triggering and he didn't know what to say, and it may have been mentally unraveling for him.

Perhaps he didn't take it seriously because perhaps you've threatened suicide previously...and perhaps you do this for attention from your boyfriend (you often feels like he doesn't care) ..perhaps sometimes you do this in hopes of keeping him (maybe you feel like he's drifting away and will leave you often)

Perhaps he doesn't care, and knows you need him..and is getting a kick out of knowing you're going to beg, plead, and chase him down. .yet again. Perhaps you do this often, and he's patiently waiting for your return..because you always come back. Also, maybe he likes knowing that he has that type of control and influence over you.

Your relationship isn't what you envision it to be.(perhaps you're in denial about how it truly is)This relationship doesn't seem healthy.

Please leave him alone and respect his wishes. Perhaps you should remain single for a while (1 year or more) while you work more on yourself perhaps in therapy.
You need to learn esteem and how to love and respect yourself. .

Please in the future, do not trauma dump on anyone. If you are in control and realize you need help...ring emergency and/or a professional therapist...

If you're able to. Your loved ones are not therapists. You must try to be considerate of their mental and overall health and well being, and how exposing your traumas could have a negative effect on them. Everyone has problems and is struggling with things you may not be aware of. To expect them to assume responsibility of your well being and be your "saviors " is too much to expect from them...and will ultimately hinder your relationships with them.

Just leave him alone. There is no need to contact him. Do waste your life constantly intentionally getting sucked back into an unhealthy relationship that will remain stagnant.

Just leave him alone. Please contact a therapist and work towards acceptance and moving on.

There's no perhaps.
There wasn't times where I've "threatened" this before.
I wouldn't use my mental health as a weapon.
Yes I should've spoke to him not a mutual friend.
He had already pulled away and stopped caring before this. This as I said felt like the final nail in the coffin.
I do appreciate the responses as it's made me think.
I've not ended things before.
I'm not messaging him. I'm choosing to move on because he made me unhappy.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/10/2023 22:09

I’m so sorry your mental health is so bad right now

I would gently suggest that an off and off and not feeling great relationship is the last thing you need right now
literally not

I’d also say that dating someone with mental health issues is no walk in the park either

you can of course text him
but I doubt it will bring peace

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