Husband accused me of flirting etc work

[Pavolvaa]

I am so fed up.

I am friends with a married man at work who (due to nature of the job) I have messaged (along with others) in evenings and sometimes daily (again as I do others - very large department in public sector) about work issues but then we also get along so can include other non work chit chat. Have been at 2 work dinners in a year together. A few more happened where only one of us attended. One time there was a group pic where people had arm round shoulders. He put arm round mine I think in a photo.

I have now been told to block this person or be faced with divorce, I have been accused of flirting and also massive kick off as my phone was monitored and I sent a photo of me with the kids in the spirit of friendship to this person. Apparently this is unacceptable as is photo with arm around (with others present). I am told I speak to him “all
the time” “in my underwear” - yes if in bed like all my text threads…?!

This person has now left my workplace and has contacted me about work bits about 4 x since they left 1st sept but all I hear is that I “speak to him all day” “obviously not working” etc etc. he also “is a priority over the marriage as still in touch.

The one thing I did which is wrong which I fully admit is lie about him saying happy birthday to me. I also deleted an innocent text convo about me having a parking ticket after I found out my phone was monitored as I couldn’t deal with more accusations. Again I know this is wrong but I hope you can see why I lied.

I am worried I will regret ending the marriage but I’m not sure how I can come back from the way I have been treated over this. Even if my husband wasn’t happy with the male friendship I would expect a different approach to the issue which is the key for me. I’ve had non stop comments and aggression about it. I have thought about it and if I had concerns about a female colleague of his I would sit down and say I don’t like xyz it makes me feel uncomfortable please can you modify comms, not talk late or something. I’m really pissed that he’s gone through my phone. The colleague in question is actually a really nice person too who spent 60% of the time speaking about his wife and family to me.

Would you just end it/leave or do I admit I have done things wrong by lying and messaging regularly sometimes late (not flirting or anything near an affair just to be clear) cut the friendship off and work on marriage ?

Your DH "monitors" your phone - why do you allow this to happen?
You're not a child and he's not you parent.

if there's no trust there is no relationship.

Look tbf I probably wouldn't want my partner texting a male colleague every day either. BUT provided its not flirty I think he's massively overreacting.

I'd bet that HE is cheating on you.
It's practically textbook that cheats make out you are the one who is up to something. Then conveniently, not long after þhe split, there's a new girlfriend on the scene.

Alternatively, he's just a controlling dick. Has he prior form for this in other ways?

He could have just a conversation with you about maybe feeling your texting every day was innspropriate and I'm sure you would have underatood his view right? Instead it's all drama and threats.

Tbh I think you should call time on the marriage. If for no other reason than there is no trust and he apparently can't communicate his feelings without acting like a 5 year old and throwing his toys out of the pram.

Also, if you drop this friend then in a few months it'll just be someone else he is complaining about or something else to threaten the marriage with.

If he jumps straight to threats, he's not a keeper. Dude has massive issues with bells on. Life's too short for a controlling relationship.

Just a side note though op, you probably should not be texting men at night in bed. Unless it's a group chat or some urgent work matter. I wouldn't expect to HAVE to pull my partner up on that.

Even though he has overreacted big time.

He is controlling and aggro.

Thanks yeah I get it. I tend to collapse in bed and reply to all my messages from the early evening it’s not sexual but I can understand that it might come across badly.

For me it’s the approach and lack of depth to understand this from my husband. It’s just all guns blazing and he’s treated me really badly over this I’m really pissed off. Even if I had flirted / stepped out of line I would have expected a better treatment!