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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Custody help…

14 replies

Marble20 · 14/10/2023 21:39

Hello

My husband and I have separated around a month ago. Ultimately my decision due to his behaviour, I’m not qualified to diagnose him but I’m convinced he’s a narcissist. Aside from how he’s treated me, he’s shown little to no interest in our child since they were born (now 16 months old) never done a night feed/bed time routine/got up with them in the night/morning. It got to the point they’d glance up in his direction if he walked in the room as there was little to no bond being formed. He’s never washed a bottle, has no idea what size nappy they wear, what size clothes they’re in, how to prepare food safely etc.

Anyway, since I told him it’s over he’s magically turned into ‘dad of the year’ & is demanding 50/50 custody. I spoke to a solicitor who advised in the eyes of a court, there is no reason why he wouldn’t be awarded 50/50.

I work 3 days per week, he works 5. He wants our child essentially all day Saturday & Sunday plus 2 weekday overnights. His argument is I get our child 2 full days on my non-working days so he should get every weekend so he has 2 full days to make it fair. He’s said a court would view week days and weekends no differently, but to me it would mean our child misses out on family time and weekend activities with me every week.

I need to speak to a solicitor again I know, but wondering if anyone had any experience or insight into this? I’m trying to be as fair as I can and keep my personal feelings out of it and focus on what’s best for my child but it’s crippling me to ‘hand’ over 50% when he’s had no interest since they were born!

Thank you for reading & for any advice!

OP posts:
Alphyn · 14/10/2023 22:02

There’s no way he would be awarded every weekend just because you work 3 days and he works 5 days. For starters, you might need to work 5 days post-divorce. Or he could work 3-4 days if he wanted to spend more time with your child. Ultimately his reasoning is stupid since your child will eventually have to go to school 5 days a week. It’s quite possible he will get 50% custody but definitely not what he’s proposing. Unfortunately he sounds like the kind of man who sees his children as property/chattel, hence fighting for custody when he previously didn’t give a damn.

Original poster
Marble20 · 14/10/2023 22:09

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.

That last part about the baby being property is 100% accurate.

He’s got such a way of talking that it mashes my brain & I always feel like I can’t keep up. He wants me to agree to things on the spot & makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable if I don’t.

I’d made a proposed 50/50 timetable which saw him having the baby most of the weekend, but he’s pushed for more which has made me look back over it & think I’ve actually been too favourable to him where weekends are concerned.

OP posts:
ZeroFucksGivenToday · 14/10/2023 22:11

Scrap your plan thats in his favour. It will never be enough anyway.
go for alternate weekends, set your stall out now. If he pushes you for an answer, grey rock him with "I just need to run that by my solicitor and I'll get back to you".

Gentlyconfused · 14/10/2023 22:14

Hey,

a couple of things:

  1. mashing of brain: really common to see a crazy mix of words and arguments to get what they want because you can’t see through the cloud. Don’t discuss without a neutral person present or unless in writing.
  2. a court may work up to 50/50. If it hadn’t been to date then at that age I would personally be surprised if it was 50/50 any time soon. Every other weekend (1 then 2 then 3 nights) and a a weeknight each week is probably an outcome to go for in my opinion. I think ends up being 60/40?
Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 22:19

Is her trying to minimise child maintenance payments to you? Get some proper advice OP.

Starlightstarbright2 · 14/10/2023 22:22

how old is your oldest ?

school will be a factor .. soon enough .. if he gets every week end you will then get no quality time with kids ..

I would also talk about building up time .

Original poster
Marble20 · 14/10/2023 22:23

He’s out of work at the moment & hasn’t a penny to his name. I’m not interested in maintenance, if it is something he ends up paying it’ll go straight into a savings pot for the baby. I don’t think this is about money, I think it’s all about control

OP posts:
Original poster
Marble20 · 14/10/2023 22:24

Excellent response, thank you. I’ve been saying ‘I don’t want to talk about this right now’ but that never stops him pushing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marble20 · 14/10/2023 22:25

16 months, we have grandparents helping with childcare on my working days at the moment

OP posts:
Igmum · 14/10/2023 22:30

He's doing it to control/intimidate you. If he did get 50/50 he would be unlikely to stick to it because that would involve actual childcare. Definitely seek legal advice and don't let him pressure you into anything.

SD1978 · 14/10/2023 22:33

He won't get every weekend, children have a right to family life with both parents. He probably at that age if you've been the main career won't get 50/50- and then there is 5e final point- if he's that disinterested, he's not going to cope with 50/50. So work out a schedule, where you both get weekend time, go to mediation, and go to court if necessary. Dragging this out is in no one best interest.

AutumnColours9 · 14/10/2023 22:34

Offer every other weekend and a day in the week.

jsku · 15/10/2023 01:41

In the meanwhile - just yo cover your bases in case you fail to reach an agreement and end up in court:
Start keeping a diary:
it doesn’t have to be detailed. But - record what you do for child. Time/care, etc. Walks, playgroups, doctors appointments. Record what he does on his own with child.

For eg - in my case my Ex also originally demanded 50/50. My solicitor advised me to document his current level of involvement (vs his stated desire)

So - every day i wrote a few lines in Notes on my phone.
X left before bfast. I took kids to park. Ex was not at dinner. Ex spent 15 min reading book to child.

Etc

You may not need it - but on the small chance you do - it’ll be some evidence to considerz

Original poster
Marble20 · 15/10/2023 07:57

Thank you all for your replies. I find myself wondering if I’m being unreasonable with what I’m proposing so it’s good to sense check with others. Seems I’ve been actually more than fair & he’s shot himself in the foot by pushing for even more.

I’m going to scrap the schedule I’d done, he’s not going to be happy but tough, it’s not about him it’s about what’s best for baby.

I’ve been meaning to start a log too, we’re both still in the house (mainly because he has nowhere else to go & also because I refused to leave for the 3/4 days he wanted me to on ‘his’ days (my work days). Baby hasn’t been away from me for longer than 2 days in one go (& that was just once for a wedding) they’ve only had one sleepover at a grandparents house, every other bedtime has been me.

When he does have baby, they’re either in the house all day or he goes to his mums who will no doubt take over all aspects of care. My schedule had two week day overnights but my concern is that he’d leave baby with his mum overnight as she’d be doing the day time care with him being at work. I said I wouldn’t be happy to agree to that & he couldn’t understand why it would be a problem.

I’m going to confirm with my solicitor that week days and week ends are treated differently so I know I’m right with that.

Thank you all again for taking the time to send a reply, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
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