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Original poster

Do cheaters ever change?

26 replies

Foundcheat · 14/10/2023 21:04

My ex cheated on his ex wife
He played the victim and I fell for it
Claimed she was cheating on him and that’s why he did it back - but now I’m sure he cheated first then she left him for another man
Anyway we were in a relationship for a year before he started to pull back (despite being besotted and driving forward the relationship) and I caught him on dating apps. He claimed he never met anyone or did anything wrong. We split up. I won’t go back ever. Just wondering if these type of people ever change?

OP posts:
Kate9423 · 14/10/2023 21:05

In short, no they don't

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/10/2023 21:05

No. Not that kind of lying cheat who has affairs. I wouldn't write off everyone who has ever cheated (things like a slight cross over when you're young etc - mistakes) but someone who can have a full blown affair - they'll do it again.

SofiYol · 14/10/2023 21:27

No.

You’re either morally ok with cheating, or you’re not. We know which camp cheaters belong too. There are some exceptions, but the types of people who repeatedly cheat and lie are not likely to change. It’s who they are.

freetheunicorn1 · 14/10/2023 21:32

No I don't think so!

Reddog1 · 14/10/2023 21:45

I’m in my fifties and I know a few men and women my age who’ve remained faithful to their partners, having cheated on others when younger. I think that maturity can make a difference.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:11

'Despite being besotted and driving forward the relationship' I've experienced exactly this love bombing. Like they're obsessed with the honeymoon period only.

Mydogmybestfriend · 14/10/2023 22:27

No

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/10/2023 22:30

Friend of a friend's marriage has just broken down because he's shagging a woman 30 years younger, leaving his wife who's just had major surgery to spend time with younger woman.

He's almost 70 so I'd say no, they never go change.

Original poster
Foundcheat · 14/10/2023 23:18

He had sex with lots of random women during his marriage - it wasn’t an emotional affair or some love story

And I can only assume he was going to do the same with me when I caught him on the dating apps

He’s in his 40s - so hardly a spring chicken

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 14/10/2023 23:35

Not really, the ones that do reform are like unicorns, they are so rare it's a bit daft to consider the possibility.

PaintedEgg · 14/10/2023 23:37

no, why would they? they dont consider it wrong so they wont change

Whenwillitpass · 15/10/2023 00:13

If it’s a pattern of cheating in several relationships then I’d say no they won’t change unless they really address it head on with significant therapy and desire to change. Even then it takes significant’work’ to change very ingrained patterns of behaviour.

freetheunicorn1 · 15/10/2023 00:52

I said before no but I actually have more to add to that. I think it depends on whether of not they accept fault in it.

My best mate cheated on her long term partner about 18 years ago and has never done it again and although her OH doesn't know she still feels guilt over it. I don't think she would ever cheat again.

If they still make excuses then I fear they will always be a cheater!

PeacefulPottering · 15/10/2023 01:31

My partner cheated. In that he went with the other woman and cheated my family. Our family . I forgave in so much I didn't care about the sex. I cared much more he ruined our family.

Anotherparkingthread · 15/10/2023 03:51

I cheated on a long past partner when we were teenagers (and drinking too much). I haven't cheated on anybody since so I suppose it's completely possible. I didn't feel terrible afterwards because I wasn't actually all that into the guy so it's not as though I learned a lesson from it. I suppose I have valued subsiquent partners more highly.

Salvagehunter · 17/10/2023 20:52

I cheated and I never will again😞

Marineboy67 · 17/10/2023 21:07

I was in a relationship for 3 years with a woman that had cheated in every relationship she'd had previously. We were in in our mid 40's at the time and I naively thought that things would be different and she would want something wholesome and long lasting but sadly no. I think it's the thrill and excitement and the attention of the new person that they become addicted to. That addiction is probably to some extent where the once a cheat always a cheat derives from.

Jillyparsnip · 18/10/2023 06:55

I know cheaters can change, because I have. I've cheated in previous relationships and have since matured and grown up A LOT and feel strongly that I never would now.
I've also seen men who were absolute dogs completely change their ways when they've found the right woman, and have settled to become really good husbands / fathers and partners.
Life isn't black and white and nor are people. Everyone has the capacity to change. It's science, and anyone with a fundamental understanding of psychology and neuroscience knows that people can change.
It's not easy to change though - it's damned hard and takes determination and commitment.

longwayoff · 18/10/2023 07:14

No they dont change. Why would they? There own needs and wants are their prime concern. Waste of time.

Leanne1191 · 18/10/2023 07:18

Foundcheat · 14/10/2023 21:04

My ex cheated on his ex wife
He played the victim and I fell for it
Claimed she was cheating on him and that’s why he did it back - but now I’m sure he cheated first then she left him for another man
Anyway we were in a relationship for a year before he started to pull back (despite being besotted and driving forward the relationship) and I caught him on dating apps. He claimed he never met anyone or did anything wrong. We split up. I won’t go back ever. Just wondering if these type of people ever change?

Unfortunately they do not change. The saying is true once a cheat always a cheat!

Original poster
Foundcheat · 18/10/2023 10:03

I've also seen men who were absolute dogs completely change their ways when they've found the right woman, and have settled to become really good husbands / fathers and partners.

with the right woman rolls eyes

OP posts:
freetheunicorn1 · 18/10/2023 10:14

Foundcheat · 18/10/2023 10:03

I've also seen men who were absolute dogs completely change their ways when they've found the right woman, and have settled to become really good husbands / fathers and partners.

with the right woman rolls eyes

I know right!

OrlandointheWilderness · 18/10/2023 10:16

No.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 18/10/2023 11:46

They just get better at hiding it.

They don’t understand the reason they are unfulfilled in every relationship they end up in is because of themselves. Because they haven’t done the work.

Unless they get to the root cause of this they will always have that feeling of emptiness. But they won’t do the work; as far as they’re concerned it’s everyone else who is at fault.

They’re shallow takers and interested only in what others can do for them.

PaintedEgg · 18/10/2023 13:40

I absolutely do not believe the "turning the corner with the right woman" - they may be more bothered to hide it better, but thats all

they will cheat the second they have a major problems within the relationship